Among her many other adages, proverbs, aphorisms, dictums, and axioms, my late stepmom used to say, “You won’t catch me on that porch again.” The gist of her expression relates to learning from one’s mistakes.
Every human being is fallible. No matter how enduring our attempts to achieve perfection may be, imperfect people cannot be made perfect or produce perfect results. Therefore, acknowledgement of mistakes as an inevitable experience in life is a helpful practice.
My stepmom understood this lesson while adding elements of knowledge (awareness gained through experience), wisdom (accumulated learning), and understanding (comprehension through applied concepts) to her message. Here’s how her dictum was taught to me.
Imagine that when visiting someone you step onto the individual’s porch—a covered area adjoining an entrance to a building and usually having a separate roof. This person could be a stranger or someone you know well. The association isn’t meaningful in this scenario.
Suppose that when knocking on the door or ringing a doorbell to announce your presence, the individual answers with anger, rage, hostility, aggression, or violence. This certain someone doesn’t need to open the door in order for the unexpected response to occur.
Visualize the person yelling from behind a closed door, “How dare you show up unannounced! You’re unwelcome!” Setting aside your own irrational beliefs which influence how you feel (emotions and bodily sensations) or behave, what helpful lesson could you learn from the event?
Instead of unproductively believing, “People shouldn’t mistreat me,” “This is an awful situation,” “I can’t stand being yelled at,” or, “This person is an idiot,” what constructive attitude might you use? You may say to yourself, “I’ve made a mistake.”
There’s no shame in admitting an error of this sort. After all, you’re a fallible human being. You’ve made many mistakes in the past, will make many more in the future, and the current error is merely a drop in an ocean of your unconditionally-accepted mistakes.
Given that many people mentally envision addressing other individuals, you may further think, “You won’t catch me on that porch again,” as you’re walking away from the person’s home and imagining what you’d say to a receptive ear. Thus, you admit that you’ve learned from the event.
You made a mistake, you recognize the issue, and you’ve realized that committing the same error may not be well-aligned with your interests and goals. Therefore, you’ve issued to yourself a productive declaration in the inferred form of a preferential should statement.
In rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT), preferential should beliefs function as non-self-disturbing forms of expressed preference. Notably, this descriptive versus prescriptive component makes a difference.
For instance, rather than prescriptively demanding, “I absolutely shouldn’t be caught on that porch again,” you instead descriptively express to yourself, “Preferably, I shouldn’t be caught on that porch again.” Can you identify the subtle difference in these two narratives?
The former is inflexible while the latter is flexible. With a preferential should statement, you learn that prior to visiting the individual in the current example, you may want to announce yourself beforehand or wait for an invitation before going to the person’s home.
Because you can’t control the individual, how the person reacts, or the fact that in life some people don’t appreciate unannounced visitors, you instead change the elements of this example over which you have control – your beliefs, emotions, and behavior. How empowering!
Among many other invaluable lessons imparted to me by my late stepmom, I appreciate the lesson in not being caught on a porch again. To this day, when inevitably erring in one manner or another, I try to learn from mistakes and adjust my beliefs, emotions, and behavior accordingly.
Perhaps you, too, could use this helpful tool in your life. Next time you commit a mistake, I invite you to take control of your reaction to the event, learn from your error, and refrain from needlessly upsetting yourself. And yes, that sometimes means not visiting certain homes again.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
Freepik. (n.d.). House entrance Japanese building and plants [Image]. Retrieved from https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/house-entrance-japanese-building-plants_23676481.htm#fromView=search&page=3&position=3&uuid=f3940d86-b85b-4ad5-bc74-aba9299ed02f
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