The authors of Creative Marriage, a book that addresses challenges to marital accord through the lens of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), outline a blunt description for how self-disturbance and blaming can impact an intimate partner relationship by stating (page 19):
Most people in our culture, then, enter engagement and marriage with their full share of irrational ideas and neurotic behavior. They are relatively blind to both their own and their mate’s disturbances. When they finally see these neurotic manifestations, they stubbornly refuse to accept them.
Instead, they blame the other for being trouble and pity themselves for having to live with such a troubled person. They thus help intensify both their own and their partner’s original neuroses; and the net result is a marriage that is a veritable hotbed of emotional upsets. Talk of the halt trying to lead the blind! Or the blaming trying to lead the blamed.
Who among us doesn’t retain some degree of irrational beliefs— states or habits of mind in which trust or confidence is placed in some person or thing, and which doesn’t comport with logic and reason? One could argue that irrationality is a default setting for fallible human beings.
Therefore, when persons X and Y meet – both of them being subject to irrational ideas – it stands to reason that these imperfect complex systems will inevitably experience the effects of one another’s neuroses—psychological disturbances impacting perception of reality.
The authors of Creative Marriage argue that persons X and Y remain blinded to the experience of each romantic partner’s disturbances. However, when these individuals become aware of one another’s fallible characteristics, it’s the act of refusing to tolerate and accept one another that creates problems.
After all, why should, must, or ought to person X endure the imperfect nature of person Y, and vice versa? Isn’t marriage about maximizing pleasure, receiving whatever one demands from an intimate partner, and experiencing a reduction in stress associated with the human condition?
Of course not! Such is the reasoning of a child. It’s difficult enough navigating the complexity of one’s own experience with a flawed existence, so adding another person to the equation only complicates matters.
Thus, marriage requires a considerable amount of effort in order to achieve success. Rigidly demanding otherwise is little more than a method of self-disturbance.
According to one source, “Woe is me is an over-dramatic, often comical way to express sadness or disappointment at an unfair situation. The phrase carries such connotations because of its archaic-sounding grammatical structure.”
The perception of a situation relating to unfairness, and not the actual occurrence, is how REBT approaches an unproductive woe is me attitude. Likewise, globally evaluating another person with a woe is thee outlook in regard to an undesired situation may result in self-disturbance.
The authors of Creative Marriage address this matter by invoking “blame” and “pity.” Person X blames person Y for the unpleasant consequence of person X’s beliefs pertaining to an occurrence. Additionally, person X pities oneself for having to put up with person Y.
This unhelpful behavior intensifies both romantic partners’ neuroses and the union becomes “a veritable hotbed of emotional upsets,” per the authors. When blaming attempts to lead the blamed, how else will anything other than blame result from this irrational experience?
Rather than endorsing victimhood beliefs by valuing woe is thee and woe is me narratives, REBT offers people the opportunity to stop disturbing themselves. Besides, marriage is difficult enough as is. Why further complicate its already complex nature with irrational beliefs?
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References:
Dictionary.com. (n.d.). Woe is me. Retrieved from https://www.dictionary.com/e/slang/woe-is-me/
Ellis, A. and Harper, R. A. (1961). Creative Marriage. The Institute For Rational Living, Inc. Retrieved from https://www.pdfdrive.com/creative-marriage-e184052310.html
Hollings, D. (2024, February 6). Appeal to pity. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/appeal-to-pity
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Hollings, D. (2022, October 31). Demandingness. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/demandingness
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Hollings, D. (2022, July 11). Unconditional acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-acceptance
Hollings, D. (2022, November 25). Victimhood. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/victimhood
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Wayhomestudio. (n.d.). Sulking crying woman has depressed bad mood wipes tears complains about difficult life whins with upset expression wears stylish clothes isolated over yellow wall. Negative emotions concept [Image]. Freepik. Retrieved from https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/sulking-crying-woman-has-depressed-bad-mood-wipes-tears-complains-about-difficult-life-whins-with-upset-expression-wears-stylish-clothes-isolated-yellow-wall-negative-emotions-concept_15137640.htm#fromView=search&page=1&position=25&uuid=8cef91ac-765b-4615-85d8-7e120c894290
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