According to one source, an original meme “based on a frame/image from the classic 1960s Spider-Man cartoon episode titled ‘Double Identity’ [featured] Peter Parker (the real identity of the superhero) [meeting] a Spider-Man copycat,” used for comedic effect.
Although interpreted meaning of the meme takes many forms, it’s sometimes used online to illustrate members of an in-group blaming one another for an undesirable outcome. Featured in Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021), actors of the film recreated the popular meme, as follows:
Photo credit, photographer: Matt Kennedy, property of Sony/Marvel, fair use
Relevant to the current blogpost, literature pertaining to Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) discourages use of blame. In particular, one REBT source states of this psychotherapeutic modality:
It encourages you to take full responsibility for your “upsetness” and for reducing it rather than copping out by blaming your parents or social conditions for your going along with their silly teachings.
In my approach to REBT, I invite people to take personal responsibility and accountability (collectively “ownership”) for the manner in which they respond to undesirable events. For instance, in a blogpost entitled Blame, I stated:
[W]henever practicing REBT I invite people to consider that this modality doesn’t promote the use of blame. The late psychologist who developed REBT, Albert Ellis, once stated in the interest of personal ownership:
The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny.
This is an empowering approach to problem-solving.
Personally, empowerment through taking personal ownership for my reaction to undesirable events is more useful than irrationally blaming other people, places, things, or otherwise for the occurrence of these dis-pleasurable circumstances. Of course, some people disagree.
I’ve spoken with individuals in a personal and professional capacity that illogically and unreasonably maintain the notion that other people somehow should, must, or ought to be blamed for one’s own reaction to distressing events. Perhaps these individuals misunderstand REBT.
Regarding my approach to this psychotherapeutic modality, I don’t maintain that people aren’t to blame for specific events. As an example, if your mom, dad, or other caregiver abused you as a child that individual is to blame for having perpetrated abuse.
To my fellow REBT practitioners, I’m merely defining blame as the act of holding (a) person(s) responsible. Responsibility is the quality or state of being the cause or explanation for an activating event.
On the other hand, accountability is merely the quality or state of being answerable. Thus, in the abuse example, an authority figure from childhood may be held morally, ethically, or legally responsible for the perpetration of abuse while also remaining accountable for the action.
Nevertheless, that same person in a position of authority who abused you isn’t to be blamed for your reaction to the abuse. In the dialectic tradition, two opposing things can be true at once.
A person can be to blame for abuse of an individual while the abused individual can take personal ownership for one’s own reaction to the abusive treatment. Of course, my fellow REBT practitioners may disagree with my framing of this matter. All the same, what I’m advocating herein isn’t incongruous with what one REBT source states:
Let’s get the bad news out of the way . . . We have to face it: it feels really good to blame other people for our problems, to say, “My boss/spouse/child/customer service representative made me so angry!” That’s because it feels good not to take responsibility for our emotional reactions.
However, if we subscribe to the theory espoused by Al[bert Ellis] (who credits it to the Greek philosopher Epictetus), we can’t blame others for our reactions. Ultimately, we are responsible for how we react emotionally and behaviorally. Well, that’s no fun.
As such, one’s boss/spouse/child/customer service representative very well may’ve wronged you—being responsible or blameworthy for an event. However, it’s you and only you who is personally responsible and accountable for your reaction to the event.
Further contemplating this matter, I’m reminded of rapper Lil Uzi Vert’s song “Moon Relate.” The artist states on the chorus, “Pain, I done got numb from the pain (Yeah). All of these girls is the same. Who is the one to blame? Nowadays, it’s not the same.”
Introspectively, Lil Uzi Vert presumably asks of himself who’s to blame for the numbness he apparently experiences, where once there was pain. This altered emotion or bodily sensation experience is noted as being “not the same” as it previously was.
The ABC model of REBT offers a comprehensible explanation for the rapper’s expressed experience. When an undesirable Action occurs and a person uses an irrational Belief about the event, it’s one’s assumption and not the occurrence itself that causes an unpleasant Consequence (i.e., pain or numbness).
This is where personal ownership for one’s own mental, emotional, and behavioral health comes in handy. Once a person understands that each individual is personally responsible and accountable for one’s own reaction to events, then the topic of who is the one to blame becomes irrelevant.
This is an especially important psychoeducational lesson regarding recent Los Angeles, California fires. Reflecting upon the Spider-Man meme, there’s a lot of finger-pointing currently taking place among Republicans and Democrats. People are looking at who is the one to blame.
In what may be clinically described as an actual traumatic event, as opposed to the imagined so-called “trauma” of one’s preferred coffee distributor running out of a particular product on any given day, I think a glaringly obvious point of focus is lost while others currently assess blame.
California residents, regardless of whether or not they voted for Democrat politicians, are presumed to be citizens of the United States (U.S.). As such, they’re members of the same team as Red- and Blue-identifying politicians. These people are in-group U.S. citizens.
Is now the moment to stand around pointing at one another while asking who is the one to blame? What utility is there is doing so while people currently need help? With little doubt, moral, ethical, legal, and even political responsibility and accountability may be relevant at some future date.
However, is the time to hash out these issues while the flames are literally still blazing? I argue that it isn’t. Moreover, even when blame is assigned on such grounds, personal ownership for one’s own reaction to this dis-pleasurable and truly unfortunate event is what REBT advocates.
While this matter is understandably difficult for some people to unconditionally accept, because of unfavorable beliefs about tolerance and acceptance, it isn’t an impossible standard of rational living to attain. If you’d like to know more about REBT and how to stop unhelpfully blaming others for your reactions, then I look forward to hearing from you.
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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