Typically, I don’t post the faces of people with whom I’ve maintained contact. This is due to a number of reasons. However, one exception to this rule is for those individuals who are now deceased. (If contacted by their family members, I’d of course redact faces accordingly.)
The current post represents one of these exceptions. Featured in the photo above is my friend Wendy. She, her then-boyfriend, and I went out for sushi on one of my return visits to San Diego, California in 2007, after having lived in the city from 2001 to 2004.
Initially, I was introduced to Wendy by her boyfriend. He and I worked in loss prevention when I was on voluntary appellate leave with the United States Marine Corps, as we were very close for a period of time. (We literally bled for one another during apprehensions of shoplifters.)
Not long after Wendy and my former coworker broke up, she told me some disappointing news that resulted in him having become her ex-boyfriend as well as an ex-friend of mine. Such is life.
Nevertheless, Wendy and I remained in contact for about five years after the above photo was taken. The last telephone conversation I had with her was as she gathered strength to transition from the hospital bed in which she was mostly bound to a window overlooking a parking lot.
Wendy had leukemia and was dying. As she spoke with me, Wendy lost her breath. Accidentally, Wendy saw her ex-boyfriend who reportedly left her for another woman. She began crying when lamenting the loss of a life Wendy thought was expected.
By that point in her fading life, Wendy was in an intimate partner relationship with another man whom she loved. Still, her unaccommodating beliefs about what could’ve been caused the outcome of sorrow. As she remained in a hospital dying, my friend was unnecessarily disturbed.
Self-disturbance is the process whereby an undesirable Activating event occurs and people upset themselves when using irrational Beliefs which result in unpleasant Consequences. This phenomenon is addressed by the ABC model of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT).
Regrettably, Wendy’s disturbed condition didn’t stop there. Hearing how self-distraught my friend was and realizing that her time left in life was exceedingly limited I offered to visit California for one last opportunity to hug my friend before she passed on.
“No, thank you,” Wendy replied, “I don’t want you to see me like this.” Apparently, my friend’s illness had taken a toll on her appearance. More than this, Wendy self-disturbed with unfavorable beliefs about how she looked and the outcome of her inflexible assumptions was insecurity.
Not long thereafter, I called Wendy and her boyfriend answered. He informed me that Wendy succumbed to her illness. The last time I spoke with her, my friend was self-distressed by her beliefs and she was miserable. We never had an opportunity for that one last hug.
Still, I’m grateful for having had the opportunity to remain in touch with one of the most down-to-earth people I met when in Southern California. Likewise, I’m thankful for being able to tell Wendy how much I valued her before she died. She was truly valuable to me and many others.
Now, I post this blog entry as a cautionary tale to whomever it is that reads my posts. Our time in life is limited. Even near our deathbeds, we may disturb ourselves with beliefs about matters which in and of themselves have little relevance in the totality of our lives.
Friends and lovers will come and go. Our appearances will fluctuate. Some of us will even develop illness which could result in a relatively slow dying process that kills us before a time that coincides with our perceived point of life expectancy. None of us is guaranteed tomorrow.
We can die with a smile on our faces from what we tell ourselves. We can also fade away with anguished tears in association to what we believe. If you endure an event like that of Wendy, whereby you have time to contemplate your life before dying, what might you choose to do?
Will you choose to smile, cry, or perhaps do something else? Personally, reflection about a time when eating sushi with a warm-natured friend is preferable to the disappointing memory about the person Wendy and I shared in common. Thus, I choose to smile when reflecting. And you?
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
Hollings, D. (2024, November 15). Assumptions. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/assumptions
Hollings, D. (2024, March 19). Consequences. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/consequences
Hollings, D. (2024, October 27). Correlation does not imply causation. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/correlation-does-not-imply-causation
Hollings, D. (2022, March 15). Disclaimer. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/disclaimer
Hollings, D. (2024, April 2). Four major irrational beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/four-major-irrational-beliefs
Hollings, D. (2023, October 12). Get better. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/get-better
Hollings, D. (n.d.). Hollings Therapy, LLC [Official website]. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/
Hollings, D. (2023, September 19). Life coaching. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/life-coaching
Hollings, D. (2023, March 21). Matching bracelets. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/matching-bracelets
Hollings, D. (2023, September 3). On feelings. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/on-feelings
Hollings, D. (2024, May 5). Psychotherapist. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychotherapist
Hollings, D. (2022, March 24). Rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT). Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-emotive-behavior-therapy-rebt
Hollings, D. (2022, November 1). Self-disturbance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-disturbance
Hollings, D. (2022, November 2). The critical A. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-critical-a
Hollings, D. (2025, January 9). Traditional ABC model. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/traditional-abc-model
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