Recently, when practicing rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT) with a client, I was asked, “How do you practice unconditional acceptance [UA]?” Alas, it isn’t uncommon for my clients to inquire about my pragmatic approach to REBT techniques in my personal life.
Essentially, this person was inviting me to utilize professional use of self which is the psychotherapeutic practice of combining personal characteristics or anecdotes with professional knowledge and skills to enhance the well-being of clients. When asked to disclose, I usually do.
Noteworthy, I may share personal anecdotes if it’s in the interest of a client, what I share may benefit those with whom I work, and I don’t foresee any harmful effects of sharing information. Before proceeding any further with this blogpost, it may be helpful to disclose REBT techniques.
REBT uses the tool of UA to relieve suffering. This occurs through use of unconditional self-acceptance, unconditional other-acceptance, and unconditional life-acceptance. Although these concepts are relatively simple to understand, practice involves an active approach and not a passive one.
Earlier, I told a client about an example of my lived experience in regard to racism. Being that my dad is black and my late mom was white, growing up in Texas involved instances of some people sharing their beliefs regarding a supposed inherent superiority of their race to mine.
When describing the ABC model, I invited the client to understand that when I formerly experienced racist views (Action) and irrationally Believed, “This is awful,” it was my unhelpful attitude and not the racism itself that caused unpleasant Consequences such as anger and disgust.
In my youth, I knew nothing about REBT. Therefore, I disturbed myself with a belief-consequence connection quite a bit. As an adult, in graduate school for counseling, I learned of REBT and how to Dispute unproductive assumptions and achieve an Effective new belief.
One of the quicker methods to alleviating needless suffering is to practice UA. Regarding those people who expressed racist views, I later learned to tolerate and accept – without unproductive conditional beliefs – that disparate opinions and beliefs were simply the way of the world.
The client expressed understanding of UA and after the session I contemplated this matter even further. It was then that I was reminded of a song from one of my favorite hip hop duos, Mash Out Posse (M.O.P.) which is comprised of Billy Danze and Lil Fame.
On the Japanese edition of their 1998 album First Family 4 Life – one of my lifetime most adored rap albums – the duo released the track “Way of the World.” The chorus bluntly declares:
M.O.P.: It’s the way of the world, right? (Aaaah)
Billy Danze: Can’t nobody change the way them thug niggas do they thing
M.O.P.: It’s the way of the world, right? (Huhhh)
Billy Danze: Can’t nobody change the way them real niggas play the game
The expression “it’s the way of the world” represents acknowledgement of the late Scottish philosopher David Hume’s proposed is-ought problem. He proposed that you can’t derive an ought from an is.
In REBT, one of the major self-disturbing beliefs is known as demandingness. This unrealistic philosophy of life occurs when you unfavorably demand what should, must, or ought to be the case. This ideal-world vs. real-world form of demandingness causes self-disturbance.
To illustrate Hume’s proposition while incorporating the M.O.P. track, imagine person X stating to Billy Danze, “You and Lil Fame ought not to promote violence in your songs.” This is a demanding expression when believed as an absolutistic versus recommendatory philosophy.
Using an absolutistic demand, person X essentially expresses, “Under no circumstances whatsoever ought you and Lil Fame to promote violence in your songs.” This is a rigid attitude that doesn’t allow for other balanced options and leads to self-disturbance when disobeyed.
On the other hand, a recommendatory belief occurs if person X merely states, “I recommend that you and Lil Fame ought not to promote violence in your songs.” Still, the balanced inference is that if M.O.P. decides to ignore the recommendation, person X may merely shrug off the matter.
Given this distinction, imagine that Billy Danze replies to person X, “It’s the way of the world, right? Can’t nobody change the way them thug niggas do they thing! Can’t nobody change the way them real niggas play the game!”
Clearly, he’s opposed to the absolutistic or recommendatory demand or suggestion of person X. Now, without being able to control or influence the lyricist – a matter that represents what merely is – which ought-type belief do you think will better serve person X’s interests and goals?
Perhaps person X has an interest (desire) to contribute to the reduction of violence across the globe. With this desire in mind, person X formulates a goal (objective) to try to influence people to communicate more peacefully.
However, Billy Danze may have competing interests and goals. When these desires and objectives inevitably clash, whose interests and goals will prevail? Unless person X behaves in a tyrannical way, which may be antithetical to the promotion of peace, each party retains their own desires and objectives.
Therefore, what is will not be impacted by what person X believes ought to occur. As such, personal versus collective interests and goals may be a more realistic approach to rational living.
What I’m advocating here is that an individual has control over only oneself, and to a limited degree (i.e., you can’t necessarily stop all of your thoughts from entering and exiting your conscious awareness). You don’t have to like or love this truth, though this simply is the case.
Presuming you haven’t deluded yourself into believing otherwise I invite you to consider that although you may try to influence other people as a means of satisfying your interests and goals, they don’t have to appease your desires and objectives. You may want them to acquiesce, though demanding won’t help much.
This matter addresses personal interests and goals. Now in the interest of collective desires and objectives, these are clearly defined, voluntary, and agreed-upon elements with which people strive to accomplish various tasks (e.g., a volunteer community clean-up effort at a local park).
With this faming in mind, I now conclude this post with my professional use of self example. Even if I hypothetically had an interest and goal to rid the world of racism, not everyone would share my desire and objective. As expressed by Billy Danze, “It’s the way of the world, right?”
Therefore, I practice UA when unconditionally accepting myself as a fallible human being with exceedingly limited control and influence. As well, I unconditionally accept others as imperfect, self-determined, and autonomous beings that are free to believe, feel, and behave as they do.
Additionally, I unconditionally accept that life is a flawed experience in which exists prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism against people on the basis of their membership in a particular racial or ethnic group. I don’t have to like that this is the case, though I won’t unhelpfully demand that it oughtn’t to be that way.
After all, that is the way of the world and it isn’t in my interests and goals to self-disturb with unproductive beliefs regarding this matter. Ergo, unconditional acceptance is the active approach I use to keep myself from tyrannically demanding that other people ought to do as I believe.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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