The primary psychotherapeutic modality I practice is rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT), a form of cognitive behavior therapy developed by the late psychologist Albert Ellis. Using this method to rational living, people are taught the technique of the ABC model for addressing self-disturbance.
According to REBT theory, people upset themselves about Activating events when using irrational Beliefs which cause unpleasant Consequences. Therefore, the ABC model employs use of Disputation of unhelpful attitudes so that people can instead utilize Effective new beliefs.
While the ABC model is relatively uncomplicated to learn, it takes frequent practice in order to master and use effectively. Another REBT tool which is taught to people through psychoeducational means relates to unconditional acceptance (UA).
In particular, REBT focuses on unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA). In a blogpost entitled Unconditional Acceptance, I used personal anecdotes to illustrate each of these concepts.
Herein, I’ll use anonymized anecdotes from past clients in order to demonstrate this helpful practice. Before doing so, it’s worth considering what Ellis and a coauthor stated about acceptance in a book entitled Clinical Applications of Rational-Emotive Therapy (page 8):
Healthy men and women tend to acknowledge and accept the idea that we seem to live in a world of probability and chance, where absolute certainties do not, and probably never will, exist. They realize that it is often fascinating and exciting, and definitely not horrible, to live in this kind of probabilistic and uncertain world. They enjoy a good degree of order but do not demand to know exactly what the future will bring or what will happen to them.
Without use of self-disturbing beliefs attributed to demandingness, awfulizing, low frustration tolerance, or global evaluations, people who practice UA are willing to tolerate and accept life as it is. Noteworthy, this form of acceptance isn’t plagued by conditional beliefs to the contrary.
For instance, I don’t illogically and unreasonably (collectively “irrationally”) believe, “I’ll be happy only if I excel in life, only if people treat me well, and only if my existence isn’t inconvenienced in any way.” Here, the unhelpful condition “only if” will inevitably be violated at some point.
Therefore, my level of happiness would be irrationally predicated on rigid conditions. Practice of UA acknowledges the fallibility and uncertainty of life while intentionally foregoing use of unproductive conditions which prescribe how life ought to be in order to accept existence.
With this understanding, I present three historical client cases worth contemplating. Client X sought mental, emotional, and behavioral health services in relation to a motor vehicle accident which claimed the life of this individual’s younger sibling, wherein client X was the driver.
Client X was ashamed and distraught from use of unfavorable beliefs about the fact that this person was the driver held responsible for the safety of a sibling who died in the accident. Thus, client X lacked USA.
Avoidance of driving activities, attendance at family functions, and discussion of client X’s sibling was the consequence of this individual’s unproductive beliefs about the accident. Given this perspective, shame was caused by self-disturbing beliefs.
Regarding this matter, in a book entitled How to Stop Destroying Your Relationships: A guide to enjoyable dating, mating, and relating, Ellis and his coauthor state about perceivably shameful matters (page 45):
“I will most likely suffer very little reprisals for doing this ‘shameful’ act and can gain greatly by giving myself unconditional self-acceptance (USA).”
Preferably, do a number of ‘shameful’ acts until you consistently begin to feel—before, during, and after doing them—sorry, regretful, and disappointed about the censure you may get, but not ashamed, humiliated, embarrassed, or depressed.
You can feel good about actually doing these exercises and conquering your own self-downing while doing them because you’re doing them to help yourself. But, at worst, make yourself feel displeased with some of the criticism you get, but not disappointed or displeased with you.
Shame-attacking exercises could’ve proven useful for client X. This would’ve entailed intentionally partaking in driving activities, attending family functions, and discussing client X’s sibling as a means of targeting unfavorable beliefs about client X’s unacceptance.
Shifting the focus to client Y, this individual self-disturbed to the point of murderous behavior. Having repeatedly informed a roommate of how obnoxious sounds of snoring apparently were, client Y eventually committed criminal homicide by stabbing to death a roommate as the roommate slept.
When sitting with client Y in a local jail while this individual was awaiting trial, client Y frankly explained to me that the roommate was repeatedly warned about the snoring activity. Thus, client Y determined that the roommate was a bad individual for continuing to snore.
Use of a global evaluation and conditional demand in regard to snoring was the catalyst for consequential action for client Y. It represented a lack of UOA which forever altered the paths of client Y and the homicide victim.
Regarding this matter, in a book entitled Rational Emotive Behavioral Approaches to Childhood Disorders: Theory, practice and research, Ellis and a coauthor state (page 36):
Teach the following ideas to help engender both self-acceptance and other-acceptance: (1) Every person is complex, not simple, (2) I am complex, not simple, (3) Every person is made up of many positive and negative qualities, (4) I am made up of many positive and negative qualities, (5) A person is not all good or all bad because of some of his or her characteristics, (6) I am not all good or all bad, (7) When I only focus on the negative characteristics of a person, I feel worse about the person, (8) When I only focus on my negative qualities, I feel worse about myself, (9) Focusing only on the negative qualities of someone else and thinking he is totally bad is irrational. People who do the wrong thing also have other positive qualities. (10) Only focusing on my negative qualities and concluding ‘I am hopeless’ is irrational. Even when I do the wrong thing, I still retain my positive qualities.”
The USA and UOA concepts outlined by Ellis and a coauthor could’ve saved the lives of two individuals in regard to client Y and the decedent. When affirming the importance of UA, I’m not merely speaking in hyperbole. This healthy practice can literally save lives.
Finally, I invite you to consider the case of client Z who I saw for prolonged grief disorder after this individual’s spouse died over a year before I met this person. Aside from grief and associated depressive symptoms, client Z experienced visual and auditory hallucinations.
Although I’m mindful of metaphysical, cultural, spiritual, and religious beliefs which may elude to plausible explanations for client Z’s experience, I approach hallucinatory phenomena as a psychotherapist trained to clinically assess the impact of an individual’s symptoms.
Therefore, the notion that client Z claimed to frequently engage in conversations with a deceased spouse on what was historically a marital bed shared by the dyad wasn’t the sole focus of my assessment. Rather, client Z expressed that such hallucinations were an issue for other family members.
In particular, client Z’s adult-aged children ostensibly coaxed this individual into seeking behavioral health services through use of an alleged ultimatum: either seek counseling treatment or management of symptoms, or experience compulsory separation from grandchildren.
Essentially, client Z’s family members were said to have used a conditional either-or demand. In any case, it became clear to me that client Z lacked use of ULA. This person gripped tightly to sentiment of the intimate partner bond and self-disturbingly refused to enjoy life without the deceased spouse.
Addressing this matter in a book entitled The Myth of Self-Esteem: How rational emotive behavior therapy can change your life forever, Ellis states (pages 70 & 71):
Unconditional life-acceptance. Life, as the Buddhists said twenty-four hundred years ago, isn’t[,] but includes suffering. See it as it is, accept the good with the bad, and thereby enjoy much of it. Deifying it may well lead to disillusionment; damning it will magnify its hassles.
Accept it and enjoy its virtues. You can choose to only see its blessings or to only magnify its indubitable pains. You can make it “awful” instead of an intermittent pain in the ass.
Client Z experienced self-induced disturbance by not valuing ULA. Likewise, this individual’s family members apparently self-disturbed by lacking practice of UOA in regard to the client.
Thus, unconditional acceptance of joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain, and all manner of ups and downs which accompany the process of living could be practiced without unproductive conditions. This is especially important to understand in regard to life and death, because each of us inescapably dies.
Similar to the relative ease of comprehension regarding the ABC model, UA is fairly straightforward though requires frequent practice in order to master and use effectively. If you’d like to know more about UA, I look forward to hearing from you. Also, by clicking the following image link, you’re welcome to a free UA handout:
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
AEI. (n.d.). About Albert Ellis, Ph.D. Albert Ellis Institute. Retrieved from https://albertellis.org/about-albert-ellis-phd/
American Psychiatric Association. (n.d.). Prolonged grief disorder. Retrieved from https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/prolonged-grief-disorder
Ellis, A. (2005). The myth of self-esteem: How rational emotive behavior therapy can change your life forever. Prometheus. Retrieved from https://www.pdfdrive.com/the-myth-of-self-esteem-how-rational-emotive-behavior-therapy-can-change-your-life-forever-d195237477.html
Ellis, A. and Bernard, M. E. (1985). Clinical applications of rational-emotive therapy. Plenum Press. Retrieved from https://www.pdfdrive.com/clinical-applications-of-rational-emotive-therapy-d176935977.html
Ellis, A. and Bernard, M. E. (2006). Rational emotive behavioral approaches to childhood disorders: Theory, practice and research. Springer. Retrieved from https://www.pdfdrive.com/rational-emotive-behavioral-approaches-to-childhood-disorders-theory-practice-and-research-d165463558.html
Ellis, A. and Harper, R. A. (2016). How to stop destroying your relationships: A guide to enjoyable dating, mating, and relating. Kensington Publishing Corp. Retrieved from https://www.pdfdrive.com/how-to-stop-destroying-your-relationships-d195171488.html
Freepik. (n.d.). Portrait of person practicing yoga outdoors in nature [Image]. Retrieved from https://www.freepik.com/free-ai-image/portrait-person-practicing-yoga-outdoors-nature_94483993.htm#fromView=search&page=1&position=6&uuid=4fc02b96-9754-4076-a014-a44623ef6351
Hollings, D. (2024, October 18). ABC model. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/abc-model
Hollings, D. (2023, September 13). Acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/acceptance
Hollings, D. (2024, August 7). Awfulizing. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/awfulizing
Hollings, D. (2024, May 30). Behavioral health care. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/behavioral-health-care
Hollings, D. (2024, May 19). Cognitive behavior therapy (CBT). Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/cognitive-behavior-therapy-cbt
Hollings, D. (2024, July 9). Conditional should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/conditional-should-beliefs
Hollings, D. (2024, March 19). Consequences. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/consequences
Hollings, D. (2022, October 31). Demandingness. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/demandingness
Hollings, D. (2022, October 5). Description vs. prescription. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/description-vs-prescription
Hollings, D. (2022, March 15). Disclaimer. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/disclaimer
Hollings, D. (2023, September 8). Fair use. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/fair-use
Hollings, D. (2024, May 11). Fallible human being. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/fallible-human-being
Hollings, D. (2023, October 12). Get better. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/get-better
Hollings, D. (2023, September 13). Global evaluations. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/global-evaluations
Hollings, D. (2022, November 22). Good man. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/good-man
Hollings, D. (2024, August 27). Guilt and shame are choices. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/guilt-and-shame-are-choices
Hollings, D. (2023, December 26). Happiness is a trap. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/happiness-is-a-trap
Hollings, D. (2024, September 24). Happy place. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/happy-place
Hollings, D. (n.d.). Hollings Therapy, LLC [Official website]. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/
Hollings, D. (2023, May 18). Irrational beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/irrational-beliefs
Hollings, D. (2023, September 19). Life coaching. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/life-coaching
Hollings, D. (2023, January 8). Logic and reason. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/logic-and-reason
Hollings, D. (2022, December 2). Low frustration tolerance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/low-frustration-tolerance
Hollings, D. (2024, March 4). Mental, emotional, and behavioral health. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/mental-emotional-and-behavioral-health
Hollings, D. (2024, September 27). My attitude. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/my-attitude
Hollings, D. (2024, April 22). On disputing. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/on-disputing
Hollings, D. (2023, September 3). On feelings. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/on-feelings
Hollings, D. (2023, March 20). Practice. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/practice
Hollings, D. (2024, January 1). Psychoeducation. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychoeducation
Hollings, D. (2023, September 15). Psychotherapeutic modalities. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychotherapeutic-modalities
Hollings, D. (2024, May 5). Psychotherapist. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychotherapist
Hollings, D. (2022, March 24). Rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT). Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-emotive-behavior-therapy-rebt
Hollings, D. (2024, May 15). Rational living. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-living
Hollings, D. (2024, January 4). Rigid vs. rigorous. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rigid-vs-rigorous
Hollings, D. (2022, November 1). Self-disturbance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-disturbance
Hollings, D. (2024, June 5). Self-help. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-help
Hollings, D. (2022, September 8). Shame attacking. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/shame-attacking
Hollings, D. (2022, October 7). Should, must, and ought. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/should-must-and-ought
Hollings, D. (2024, February 27). Suffering, struggling, and battling vs. experiencing. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/suffering-struggling-and-battling-vs-experiencing
Hollings, D. (2022, November 2). The critical A. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-critical-a
Hollings, D. (2024, September 17). The E-C connection. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-e-c-connection
Hollings, D. (2022, December 14). The is-ought problem. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-is-ought-problem
Hollings, D. (2023, February 16). Tna. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/tna
Hollings, D. (2024, June 19). Treatment vs. management. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/treatment-vs-management
Hollings, D. (2022, July 11). Unconditional acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-acceptance
Hollings, D. (2023, September 19). Unconditional acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-acceptance-1
Hollings, D. (2023, March 11). Unconditional life-acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-life-acceptance
Hollings, D. (2023, February 25). Unconditional other-acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-other-acceptance
Hollings, D. (2023, March 1). Unconditional self-acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-self-acceptance
Hollings, D. (2024, April 10). Welcome to complex systems. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/welcome-to-complex-systems
Hollings, D. (2023, September 22). You’re gonna die someday. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/you-re-gonna-die-someday
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