In the above photo, I sat in a children’s home surrounded by friends, family members, and other children’s home residents. They all celebrated my graduation from Amarillo High School (AHS) in 1995, as I discussed the challenges which I previously faced in a blogpost entitled Sondra:
During my senior year, when I was eventually kicked out of the home of the family who took me in, Sondra smoothed things over with administrative personnel concerning my daily tardiness. Having moved back to the children’s home and refusing to transfer to a different school, I walked to school daily.
It took two and a half hours for a one-way commute by foot. With approximately half of the school year to go, I walked a total of five hours daily when I couldn’t convince people to give me a ride.
Sondra was my high school guidance counselor and she played a significant role in why I chose to remain in school when I easily could’ve continued down the path of a criminal lifestyle. I’ll say more about that in a bit. Although that was almost 30 years ago, it seems like yesterday.
A couple days ago, a friend with whom I graduated (“Moby”) asked if I was going to attend our 30-year class reunion. I responded with a variation of an old saying, “You have a better chance squeezing blood from a turnip,” adding, “Those weren’t my people.”
I didn’t attend homecoming, prom or other school dances, or an assortment of other activities common for AHS attendees when I was a student. In fact, I intentionally hung around people with whom I didn’t attend school. Of course, there wasn’t anything wrong with AHS students.
Rather, the people with whom I chose to mainly interact were either dropouts or students at other schools. The exceptions to this general rule were Moby, “Caesar,” “1/2 Ton,” “Matilda,” and a few others. Those were my people at AHS.
Alternatively, there were others who were affiliated gang members that were also my people. (For the feds who may be collecting data, I continue maintaining that I was never a validated gang member, known associate, and/or direct affiliate of any criminal organization.)
My gangbanging friends didn’t enjoy the advantages of my AHS friends—as one who went on to become a pharmacist, another who is an attorney, one who became a successful small business owner like me, and another who became an occupational therapist.
Instead, last I heard, most of my carnales either died or wound up incarcerated. For those camaradas who remained alive, we drifted apart after I graduated. Almost a full 30 years have passed since I was someone I now recognize only through photos. I’m not the same person.
When contemplating this matter, I’m reminded of the electronic dance music (EDM) track “Turn Back Time” by Sub Focus, from the 2013 album Torus, and featuring the soulful vocals of Yola. Lyrics include:
Brush off my shoulders, but not ‘cause it’s colder
Will it get better, now that we’re older?
Remember the feeling, a tear of emotion
To be high as a mountain, as deep as the ocean
How I wish I could turn back time [x11]
There were many years during high school and into early adulthood when I self-disturbed with irrational beliefs about life. Quite often, I wished that I could turn back time. More than that, I used awfulizing and low frustration tolerance (LFT) to upset myself about challenging times.
To understand what I mean, it may be useful to know a little bit about Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). In particular, a psychoeducational lesson about the ABC model and unconditional acceptance (UA) may be beneficial.
REBT theory maintains that when an unexpected Action occurs and a person uses an irrational Belief about the situation, it’s one’s unhelpful attitude and not the undesirable circumstance that causes unpleasant cognitive, emotive, sensational, and behavioral effects as Consequences.
For instance, if when reflecting on the past (Action) I were to have merely Believed, “How I wish I could turn back time,” I’d likely experience nostalgia (Consequence). However, a nostalgic experience isn’t something I consider disturbing. In fact, I think it’s quite pleasant.
Alternatively, if I reflected on the past (Action) and unhelpfully Believed, “It’s awful that I can’t turn back time, because I can’t stand how things turned out,” then my use awfulizing and LFT would lead to the unpleasant Consequence of sorrowfully agonizing regret.
Rather than remaining self-disturbed, an individual is invited to try Disputation which may lead to an Effective new belief that’s used in place of an unproductive self-narrative. With the ABC model, a person learns to stop needless suffering which is caused by unhelpful assumptions.
Helpfully, REBT also uses the technique of UA to relieve suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance, unconditional other-acceptance, and unconditional life-acceptance.
Importantly, what a person Believes about an Action is what remains open to Disputation, though Actions and Consequences aren’t challenged. As well, not all attitudes require alteration. For instance, one REBT source states (pages 24 and 25):
Both pleasant and unpleasant feelings normally have one or more activating ideas or beliefs behind them. For example, feelings of happiness are normal appropriate responses of a child at his own birthday party. The child is telling himself statements like: “This is a very nice day. It’s fun getting all these presents I wanted.”
Feelings of sadness, on the other hand, are also normal appropriate responses to unpleasant situations. A child who is saddened by the disappearance of his favorite pet can have a normal appropriate response when his feelings of sadness are activated by rational beliefs (rB) such as: “I really loved that dog. We were so close. It’s sad that he’s lost.”
What one tells oneself about a situation is rational insofar as the sadness does not turn to anguish or despair. If the child with the lost pet started to say to himself that he knew something awful happened to the dog or that he’s never going to be able to have another dog, his irrational beliefs (iB) would clearly lead to despair, an inappropriate response to an unpleasant situation.
It should be kept in mind that negative responses such as not reaching a goal, mild irritation towards someone who is behaving in an annoying manner, or dissatisfaction with a task are all appropriate responses. It is only when the frustration, mild annoyance, and dissatisfaction are further considered to be awful, terrible, and unending that the normal negative responses become nagging negative responses: depression and intense anxiety.
Once the inappropriate activating beliefs (rB and iB) have been identified and understood, it is then possible to deal more effectively with feelings.
In consideration of content from this REBT source, I recall long walks to and from AHS during my senior year. It was a truly unpleasant experience in the morning time when my feet were cold and wet from the dew that soaked my shoes while passing through unpaved paths.
At the time, knowing nothing about REBT, I infrequently used a form of UA by logically and reasonably concluding that suffering was something with which I was familiar in life. The type of suffering I chose was to walk to school rather than to drop out and join a gang.
With that helpful attitude, I endured suffering while tolerating and accepting the unpleasantry of life. Then again, there were many times in adolescence and young adulthood that I used awfulizing and LFT to self-disturb. In fact, I even used demandingness and global evaluations.
As an example, I reflected on life (Action) and unproductively Believed, “Life shouldn’t be this hard and because it is, life sucks!” With my demanding and globally-evaluative attitude, I experienced sorrow that was directly aligned with clinical depression (Consequence).
Now, I practice the ABC model and UA to address self-disturbance. Almost 30 years after graduating high school, sometimes I’d like to turn back time and alter past events. However, the life I’ve established for myself through use of REBT is one of contentment.
Besides, I’d have better chances of squeezing blood from a turnip than being able to travel back in time anyway. As for attending a class reunion with alum who weren’t my people, Moby will have to squeeze that turnip pretty damn hard!
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost EDM-influenced REBT psychotherapist—promoting content related to EDM, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
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