While in elementary school, my big brother (Big Brothers Big Sisters of America) took me to the movie theater so that we could see The Princess Bride (1987). Despite the romance element of the fantasy adventure comedy film, I enjoyed the flick quite a bit.
Humorously, I shared similar sentiment with the grandson in the film who didn’t want his granddad to tell the tale of an intimate partner relationship. Still, as was the case with the grandson, I was taken in by the adventure of the storyline.
Of the many films from the 80s which I still watch to this day, and which hold the value I ascribe to them, The Princess Bride rates highly on my list. If you haven’t seen it and you enjoy whimsical scenarios along with 80s nostalgia, I recommend the film.
Today, when reading the book Creative Marriage (1961), authored by the late psychologists Albert Ellis, Ph.D. and the late Robert A. Harper, Ph.D., I was reminded of a scene from The Princess Bride wherein a clergyman with a speech impediment conducts a marriage ceremony.
Attempting to marry Buttercup before she could unify with Westley, Prince Humperdinck has a clergyman officiate the wedding ceremony before Westley can recue her. It’s quite an ordeal!
During the marriage ritual, the verbally-hindered officiator states, “Wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva” (Love, true love, will follow you forever). “What is this ‘true love’ I’ve heard so much about?” my young mind wondered.
Many 80s flicks I’d watched up until seeing The Princess Bride addressed this topic. “Is there such a thing as false love?” I further pondered. Perhaps I was overthinking the matter. Alas, my active imagination initially sidetracked my ability to pay attention to the film.
Without definitive answers to my internal questions, I encountered additional uses of the term tru wuv… er… true love elsewhere in life, and for many years thereafter. Thus, I’ve revisited that scene from The Princess Bride on a number of occasions. What is “true love” anyway?
According to one source, “In terms of a romantic definition, true love is what happens when two separate human beings have a genuine desire to love and care for each other in an unconditional manner.” Here, “unconditional” relates to a limitless or absolute state of being.
Take a moment to ponder this proposal. Reflect upon everyone you’ve ever known, contemplate the people you currently know, and even take into consideration your own lived experience.
Setting aside the love said to be extended from a deity to an individual or that love which is presumed to exist among biological family members, has anyone in your life – from the perspective of romantic love – actually experienced unconditional love?
In a blogpost entitled Unconditional Acceptance, I outlined how I suspect that my late stepmom loved me unconditionally. Being that we weren’t biologically connected, I cede the point that unconditional love is possible.
Still, from a romantic standpoint, is such an occurrence likely to exist? Given personal experience and anecdotal evidence that I’ve gathered throughout my life, I remain skeptical of such a claim.
This isn’t to suggest that true (unconditional) love in intimate partner relationships doesn’t exist. Rather, much like the claim about 7 World Trade Center collapsing on its own footprint during 9/11, and without being significantly impacted by an outside force, I have questions.
In any case, the Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT)-inspired book Creative Marriage states of tru wuv… uh… true love (page 22):
Love, especially what is vaguely referred to as “true love,” is represented as somehow entirely separate from the “baser” sex impulses and is supposed to follow various ethereal and unrealistic channels as described in our movies, television scripts, magazine stories, and other sources of romantic beliefs.
Human sexuality, as a baseline experience, is often associated with – though oddly separated from – the concept of true love, depending on the source of one’s knowledge. Using The Princess Bride as an example, Wesley was said to have been truly in love with Buttercup.
This intangible acquaintanceship presumably occurred without sexuality, as he apparently was subject to true love for her before the two were ever able to engage in sexual intercourse – if such behavior were ever to have imaginarily occurred at all. How realistic is sexless romance?
Personally, love for other women has occurred without ever engaging in sex with them. However, I wouldn’t suggest that my affection for them was “true love” in the unconditional, limitless, or absolute sense.
The authors of Creative Marriage tackle this matter head-on by critiquing the impracticality of a martial bond predicated on typical romance-themed media, though which separates human sexuality from the equation. To illustrate this point, forgive me a personal anecdote.
In a blogpost entitled Ashes, I addressed the topic of a girlfriend I had prior to attending Marine Corps recruit training and whom I thought I truly loved. What a person without a fully developed prefrontal cortex or significant life experience knows of such love is another matter altogether.
All the same, if asked at the time, I was in love with a woman that I truly loved. Additionally, we both subscribed to religious ideology and promised not to engage in penetrative sex until we were married – which was an endeavor we planned on pursuing.
However, she broke up with me via a Dear John letter when I was in boot camp. Because I’d stopped having sex at the time of meeting her, and with hopes for reconciliation, I went four years and eight months without engaging in sexual intercourse.
I thought I experienced true love, though in actuality I disturbed myself into a state of misery through use of irrational beliefs about myself, my ex-girlfriend, and life itself. In so doing, I wasted a significant portion of the irreplaceable resource that is time when pining for her.
Many years later, I discovered that the concept of true love was essentially invented by composers and performers of the High Middle Ages known as the troubadours. Whereas sexuality exists in a state of nature, the concept of romantic love is a social construct.
Nevertheless, as the authors of Creative Marriage suggest, the “true love” concept permeating much of Western society is inextricably linked to marriage – the function of which is arguably, at its core, to unify couples who are sexually active. Still, sexuality and true love are “somehow entirely separate.”
As though the sexuality versus true love distinction weren’t complex enough, there remains the curious matter of what it is to be “in love.” In a blogpost entitled Luv(sic), I argued that there’s a difference between “true love” and the what people refer to as being “in love,” by stating:
I suppose one could argue from a materialist perspective, declaring that the chemical composition of attraction—or what many refer to as being “in love”—is comprised by fluctuation of dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin, and phenylethylamine. Essentially, we get ourselves high when romantically attracted to others.
When sharing this information with some of my past clients, I received challenge to the notion that our bodies can make us high enough to make poor decisions which – for heterosexual couples – may be evolutionarily determined as a means of producing life.
Arguably, the basic function of life is to replicate itself. Without use of rational (logical and reasonable) thinking, an organism that can get high off of its own supply of chemicals may be able to fulfil this essential component of life. This occurs through the process of sexuality.
Often, this is an impulsive act. Frequently, it occurs in conjunction with other substances (i.e., alcohol, cocaine, etc.). Not uncommonly, the product of the “baser’ sex impulses” is a sexually transmitted infection, pregnancy, regret, or other unintended consequences.
By not acknowledging reality, and instead opting for the fictional – or at minimal, highly questionable – constructed notion of “true love” stemming from the troubadours and their ilk, unfavorable beliefs about how marriage should, must, or ought to be may inevitably arise.
Rather than self-disturbing in regard to marital expectations, people could approach a state and/or religious-sanctioned union pragmatically. This involves the use of rational thinking.
Furthermore, this process begins by challenging “unrealistic channels” to which we’re exposed through various forms of media. Although I enjoy The Princess Bride, the central intimate partner relationship depicted in the scene referenced herein isn’t something upon which I’d base my expectations.
How about you? Like a number of the clients with whom I’ve worked, are you unwavering in your use of irrational notions about how romantic relationships must work in order for you to be satisfied in life? If so, I invite you to dispute your unrealistic beliefs about tru wuv.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
Photo credit, property of Act III Communications, fair use
References:
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