Personal anecdote 1: If memory serves, the Smashing Pumpkins released their album Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness just after I began my senior year at Amarillo High School. That’s when I met “Rubi,” a girl who transferred from Arizona and attended Tascosa High School.
Rubi was the new friend of “Antebellum,” a girl with whom I lived and whose parents assumed legal guardianship of me from my residence at a children’s home. Due to a number of reasons, of which race was primary, I was forbidden from entertaining the idea of ever dating Antebellum.
Therefore, I considered the possibility of engaging in a romantic relationship with Rubi. In my naiveté, I reasoned that dating Rubi would distract me from the intoxication of an in-love experience associated with Antebellum.
Unlike Antebellum and other girls with whom I attended school, Rubi wasn’t wrapped up in the superficiality of Bomb City. It seemed as though she couldn’t be bothered with the perceptions of others, or so it appeared to me.
Rubi drove a Jeep Wrangler with the doors removed, cranked up her music when cruising through the streets, smoked cigarettes, and adored alternative rock music. Following the release of Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness, Rubi invited me to a Smashing Pumpkins concert.
Foolishly, I declined the offer. I was a diehard rap fan. What did I know about a band who released the highly acclaimed album Gish? Nothing! Besides, I’d attended hip hop concerts and knew what the atmosphere was like. There’d be dancing and people singing choruses.
What was I gonna do at a rock concert when I didn’t know the lyrics or how to move my body when guitars blared from stadium-sized speakers? Nothing of use, I figured. At least that was the narrative I told myself to mask truth.
In actuality, I was afraid as a result of what I told myself about the event. I convinced myself that I couldn’t stand to be thought of as uncool by Rubi. What if I went to see the Smashing Pumpkins and she wanted me to sing along with her? Nothing cool would come of it, I figured.
If anxiousness and its proverbial cousin fear had a catchphrase, it would be “I can’t stand it,” which is associated with low frustration tolerance. This unproductive narrative is one of four major irrational beliefs with which people disturb themselves into unpleasant consequences.
I believed it was unbearable to possibly face rejection if Rubi considered me a square (unadventurous person), so I missed out on the concert and a potential intimate partner relationship. In my irrational mind, it was better to reject potential than to be rejected by Rubi.
This is a photo Rubi blowing out candles for her birthday. (Why do people insist on the absurd tradition of spitting on cake by blowing out candles? I’ll pass on spit cake.)
Personal anecdote 2: Unless I’m mistaken, it was in 2010 when I met “Cuppy,” a woman I dated when in graduate school for counseling. I wound up loving her quite a bit. A fan of alternative rock, Cuppy inquired about my perspective on Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness.
I shared with her my story about Rubi. “But what do you think of the album?” she replied. It occurred to me that despite having missed an opportunity to attend the Smashing Pumpkins concert, I never took time to listen to the album.
“You have to listen to ‘Thirty-Three’,” Cuppy said when using a preferential should statement. Unlike an absolutistic should narrative, which serves as another of the major self-disturbing beliefs associated with demandingness, Cuppy’s request was encouraging rather than commanding.
Going home from Cuppy’s place, I listened to “Thirty-Three” on repeat and then Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness for hours. I found it difficult to reconcile myself to the thought that I’d let the years pass without taking the Smashing Pumpkins with me on my journey in life.
After all, I relied on music to help me endure the struggles inherent in a fallible existence, and “Thirty-Three” could’ve come in handy during my time in the Marine Corps. Without helpful behavioral health techniques, music was a pleasant distraction to the unpleasantry of suffering.
Alas, I learned of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) during the time I met Cuppy and understood that unconditional self-, other-, and life-acceptance were necessary for me to tolerate and accept undesirable events in life – at least to do so in a healthy manner.
When contemplating this matter, I’m reminded of the lyrics of “In the Arms of Sleep” by the Smashing Pumpkins, which state, “There are some things I’ll live without, but I want you to know that I need you right now. Suffer my desire.”
There are indeed some things and people I live without, such as Rubi and Cuppy. Rather than unfavorably convincing myself that I need them “right now,” it’s unconditional acceptance I need so that I may “suffer my desire” – which is to say I may endure that for which I yearn.
Personal anecdote 3: I seem to recall the chaotic events surrounding an email I sent to my social work graduate school classmates in 2013. When attempting to thoughtfully relay my experience with mental illness to others, I included a link to “Thirty-Three.”
In the email, I stated, “I have opted to accept relentless melancholy in lieu of burning rage so that I do not lash out on other people.” That admission, along with other content expressed in the email, earned me a trip to meet with the Associate Director of Student Emergency Services.
I was shamed for my decision to send the email and I was placed on a Level One Review of disciplinary action (essentially a form of academic probation). During that time, I was involuntarily separated from my peers, because one student stated that she feared for her safety.
It was then that I learned about the superficiality of self-disclosure among future social workers, as well as actual social workers in roles of leadership within the academy. Unproductively, I used a global evaluation for the field of social work as a whole, deeming it entirely worthless.
I’d failed to use REBT techniques. In so doing, I disturbed myself in regard to the response I received from my peers. Self-disclosing my experience with posttraumatic stress disorder and major depression wasn’t the issue, though my beliefs about the event caused me consequences.
Ultimately, it was illogical and unreasonable to rate the entire field of social work in such a manner. Factually speaking, it was irrational to issue global ratings for the entire School of Social Work at the University of Texas at Austin (UT) and everyone associated with it.
Global ratings occur when a person unhelpfully determines that something or someone is entirely bad, undesirable, evil, or otherwise. In this way, global evaluations are yet another of the major irrational beliefs people use to disturb themselves.
As an example, I unfavorably believed, “Social workers are full of shit!” The distorted inference in this assumption is that all social workers are full of shit. Thus, I unproductively believed, “All social workers are full of shit!”
Could it be true that perhaps some social work students weren’t disingenuous? Of course. Might it also be possible that some social work faculty at UT were compassionate? Very much so. Therefore, globally rating all social workers was an unproductive undertaking.
Personal anecdote 4: Because it occurred only 24 hours ago, I remember touching grass by attending my first concert since 2014. In their order of appearance, the Linda Lindas, Rancid, the Smashing Pumpkins, and Green Day were featured for The Survivors Tour in Arlington, Texas.
When visiting longtime friends a couple months ago, I told the story of Rubi and regret—the emotion of sorrow or the experience of disappointment over something that has happened or been done. For context, I stated in a blogpost entitled No Ragrets:
Unlike some people I’ve met, who claim to maintain no regrets at all, I have many examples of decisions I’ve made and behavior I’ve exhibited which represent disappointment.
Of course, I have regrets. My daily practice of REBT doesn’t wondrously absolve me of all disappointment associated with an imperfect life. In specific, I regret not having attended the Smashing Pumpkins concert with Rubi in 1995.
Hearing my story, my friend remembered me when purchasing tickets for The Survivors Tour. Initially, I declined the invite. My days of concert-going were decidedly over. Mainly, I had little interest in being surrounded by people in noisy environments.
Although I can tolerate and endure such experiences, it’s an unappealing thought to do at my age what I once was fond of doing a couple decades ago. In any case, for a couple days following my dismissal of the invite, songs from Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness played within my mind.
Thinking through the matter, I reasoned that I didn’t want to regret having missed an opportunity to spend time with my friend’s daughter before she graduates high school this year and begins her adult life. Likewise, I didn’t want to regret another missed opportunity to see the Smashing Pumpkins perform.
Therefore, I purchased a ticket. Unfortunately seats immediately next to my friends were already sold out. No problem. I didn’t awfulize about the matter. Awfulizing is the fourth of the major self-disturbing beliefs.
This occurs when unproductively convincing oneself that something or someone is terrible, horrible, awful, and so on and so forth. Rather than upsetting myself in such a manner, I reasonably concluded, “Sitting a couple seats down from my friends isn’t so bad.”
Besides, I was going to see the Smashing Pumpkins! There was joy and pleasure associated with nostalgia for the band. Additionally, I was excited about creating memories from my friend’s daughter who’s a senior – memories I regretted not forming from my senior year of high school.
At the venue on September 11, 2024, I didn’t reflect upon the events of 9/11. Also, I didn’t mourn the fact that I’d missed an opportunity to spend time with Rubi or Cuppy. Rather, I had my face proverbially melted off by the Smashing Pumpkins! (It was a wonderful experience!)
New memories were created. Asking my friend’s daughter what she thought of the concert, a smile filled her face. “I loved it,” she replied. All that was behind me (the past) mattered very little. Noteworthy, the UT incident was the least of my concerns when hearing lyrics from “Tonight, Tonight”:
We’ll crucify the insincere tonight (Tonight)
We’ll make things right, we’ll feel it all tonight (Tonight)
We’ll find a way to offer up the night (Tonight)
The indescribable moments of your life (Tonight)
The impossible is possible tonight (Tonight)
I put to death the perception of insincerity regarding social workers with whom I once maintained contact. Things were made right when I unconditionally accepted matters as they were and lived within the only moment possible during the concert: tonight.
Thus, I found a way to offer up to an unalterable past those regrets from yesteryear with which my irrational beliefs once haunted me. Although none of the personal anecdotes listed herein were “indescribable,” per the song “Tonight, Tonight,” healing from the past was verifiably possible: tonight.
Such is the way of life for you, too, if you choose the path of tolerance and acceptance. You can touch grass, allow the past to remain in the past, and enjoy this very moment: tonight, tonight!
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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