To the Future

[DISCLAIMER]

Photo from Eternia’s MySpace page circa 2009 (edited), fair use

By the time I was active on MySpace in 2009, I’d already been familiar with the hip hop content of Canadian lyricist Eternia. In particular, I enjoyed her debut album It’s Called Life (2009) and I was disappointed by my belief about how so few people I knew had heard of her.

Still, I reasoned that in the genre of rap, artists are disjunctively divided between male or female rappers and lyricists rather than conjunctively connected by male and female emcees when discussing lyrical talent (e.g., Eternia is one of my favorite female lyricists).

In any event, in 2009, I made contact with Eternia on MySpace and she was kind enough to discuss hip hop with one of her fans. At that time, the above photo was an edit of one of her pictures to promote her ‘My Favorite Rapper Wears a Skirt’ apparel line and tour campaign.

A year later, Eternia released her second studio album with Canadian producer MoSS, entitled At Last (2010). The anthology contained a track called “To the Future” that I consider worthy of examining through the lens of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), as lyrics include:

Ay, yo’, I admit to you

Moms raised me alone without a dude, so I got some issues

I could say “I do”

But before I do, you should know some things that I have been through

Pops was not a nice dude

He tried to kill my mother this one time, I was still in the womb

So does that make me the fool?

‘Cause when I call him up now and then and say “I love you”, it’s true

I left home at 15

I was dating this dude nine years older, it wasn’t as weird as it seems

‘Cause he treated me better than I had ever been

And to this day, that fact’s still the same

The same year, I was assaulted with a gun

These dudes locked me in a room, molested me for fun

I swear, I would scream, or I’d run

If I told my pops, they’re done, but I thought of their mothers with dead sons

And that’s empathy. I wish I was cold

‘Cause if I was, I could have stripped for a dollar, but I couldn’t risk my soul

So I didn’t. I left school, came back, finished

And went to college and graduated with honors, but get this:

Memories my mind conveniently erases

Strange homes, alone, got touched in strange places

That’s why I freak out when you touch me

And I’m screaming. I don’t know it’s you; it’s just my past evil demons

And they’re plenty. They haunt me all the time

I ain’t ready for love. I never knew who he was or when he met me

So I looked for him in all the wrong faces

Got used by more than one dude. In fact, most of them were faking

So when you talk about making a life

I think about it, too. I killed already. It’s too late for me, right?

Yeah, yo, you could make me your wife

But why would you want to? I got problems, so go on, go on, go on…

Eternia wasn’t rapping about fashion, suckin’ and fuckin’, or other nonsensical topics that other male and female rappers addressed. That’s why I consider her a lyricist—a wordsmith who addresses relatable, relevant, and riveting lyrical content.

Personally, “To the Future” is a testament to Eternia’s skill. Granting that the content addressed on the track is true, I imagine that the traumatic events addressed by the lyricist could allow an individual to swear off love, romance, or intimate partner relationships altogether.

Nevertheless, I view the lyrical content and associated subject matter through the lens of REBT. If I saw a client with similar reported experiences, I’d invite the person to practice the ABC model and unconditional acceptance (UA).

First, the ABC model illustrates that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe some unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption and not the occurrence itself that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This technique requires familiarity and practice.

I suppose that when addressing the topic of sexual assault or rape, one may conclude that an Action-Consequence (A-C) connection exists. In Eternia’s song, she was apparently raped or sexually assaulted. One may think that this A-C connection could explain her hesitance to marry.

That is to say that if you are sexually assaulted or raped (Action), then you will likely be fearful of intimate connection with other people (Consequence). However, REBT theory maintains that a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection is what causes self-disturbance.

Thus, you experience (a) traumatic event(s) (Action) and unhelpfully Believe, “This shouldn’t have happened, and I can’t stand that it did, so life is worthless when terrible things like this happen,” as you then endure fearfulness and an inability to properly bond (Consequence).

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive assumptions in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Regarding sexual assault and rape, I sometimes receive challenge to use of the ABC model.

Typically, this pushback supports an A-C rather than B-C connection. “Are you suggesting that sexual assault and rape, which cause fearfulness, are the fault of the victim? If so, that seems like victim-blaming,” an individual may respond. I encourage this sort of initial rebuffing of REBT.

Ergo, in my approach to the practice of REBT, I invite people: (1) to consider personal responsibility and accountability (collectively “ownership”) for their reactions to events, (2) not to blame others for these reactions, and (3) to contemplate empowerment rather than victimhood.

Though I wish it wasn’t the case, sexual assault and rape do happen. Taking personal ownership of your reaction to these despicable events is all you have control or influence over. Therefore, focusing your attention, time, and energy on what you can change may be a useful practice.

As well, REBT theory maintains that we don’t blame other people for our reactions to unpleasant events – however despicable the circumstances may be. You can blame person X for having sexually assaulted or raped you, yet person X doesn’t own your reaction to the event.

Likewise, self-victimization in the form of needless suffering in regard to a B-C connection likely won’t serve your interests and goals. As such, REBT is a method of empowering you to look to the future – moving from where you are in the present – rather than focusing on the past.

Simultaneously, REBT theory draws a distinction between distress and disturbance. The former is natural and arguably healthy while the latter is unnatural and debatably unhealthy. Addressing this distinction, as it pertains to rape, one REBT source states (pages 119-121):

There is no doubt that being raped is a tragic event for both women and men. As such, it is healthy for the person who has been raped to experience a lot of distress. However, REBT conceptualises this distress as healthy even though it is intense.

Other approaches to therapy have as their goal the reduction of the intensity of negative emotions. They take this position because they do not keenly differentiate between healthy negative emotions (distress) and unhealthy negative emotions (disturbance).

Now, REBT keenly distinguishes between healthy distress and unhealthy disturbance. Healthy distress stems from your rational beliefs about a negative activating event, while disturbance stems from your irrational beliefs about the same event.

I now have to introduce you to one of the complexities of REBT theory and as I do you will see that REBT is not always as simple as ABC! REBT theory holds that the intensity of your healthy distress increases in proportion to the negativity of the event that you face and the strength of your rational beliefs.

Now, when a person has been raped, her (in this case) intense distress stems from her strongly held rational beliefs about this very negative A. As virtually everyone who has been raped will have strongly held rational beliefs about this event, we could almost say that being raped “causes” intense healthy distress.

Now let me introduce irrational beliefs into the picture. REBT theory argues that you, being human, easily transmute your rational beliefs into irrational beliefs especially when the events you encounter are very negative.

However, and this is a crucial and controversial point, the specific principle of emotional responsibility states that you are largely responsible for your emotional disturbance because you are responsible for transmuting your rational beliefs into irrational beliefs.

You (and others) retain this responsibility even when you (they) encounter tragic adversities such as rape. So, REBT theory holds that when a person has been raped, she is responsible for transmuting her strongly held rational beliefs into irrational beliefs, even though it is very understandable that she should do this.

Actually, if we look at the typical irrational beliefs that people have about being raped, we will see that these beliefs are not an integral part of the rape experience, but reflect what people bring to the experience. Examples of irrational beliefs are:

·  “I absolutely should have stopped this from happening.”

·  “This has completely ruined my life.”

·  “Being raped means that I am a worthless person.

While it is understandable that people who have been raped should think this way, this does not detract from the fact that they are responsible for bringing these irrational beliefs to the experience. It is for this reason that REBT theory holds that very negative “A”s do not “cause” emotional disturbance.

This is actually an optimistic position. If very negative events did cause emotional disturbance then you would have a much harder time overcoming your disturbed feelings than you do now when we make the assumption that these feelings stem largely from your irrational beliefs. One more point.

Some REBT therapists distinguish between disturbed emotions that are experienced when a very negative event occurs and disturbed feelings that persist well after the event has happened. These therapists would argue that being raped does “cause” disturbed feelings when the event occurs and for a short period after it has happened, but if the person’s disturbed feelings persist well after the event then the person who has been raped is responsible for the perpetuation of her disturbances via the creation and perpetuation of her irrational beliefs.

These therapists argue that time-limited irrationalities in response to very negative activating events are not unhealthy reactions, but the perpetuation of these irrationalities is unhealthy. Thus, for these REBT therapists a very negative event like rape does “cause” emotional disturbance in the short term, but not in the long term.

I appreciate that the aforementioned source presents a dialectic perspective pertaining to the contrasting views of REBT psychotherapists regarding the subject of rape. While I can appreciate these opposing views, I’ve outlined my approach to REBT regarding this topic herein.

Using Eternia’s “To the Future” as a source of data, I maintain that an individual who’s been sexually assaulted or raped likely uses a B-C connection that causes unhealthy self-disturbance. Empowering people to overcome adversity, the ABC model may be worth practicing.

The second helpful tool or REBT is UA. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance, unconditional other-acceptance, and unconditional life-acceptance. Similar to the ABC model, this technique requires understanding and lots of practice.

If I were working with Eternia, or someone who’s experienced sexual assault or rape, I’d advocate use of UA as a method of tolerating and accepting that the despicable event occurred and is unalterable – while further focusing on the present and looking to the future.

Admittedly, some people self-disturb with unhelpful beliefs when hearing this approach to mental, emotional, and behavioral health. They are welcome to needlessly prolong suffering, if that’s their choice. All the same, I ask, is that what you’re willing to do?

Do you want to use a despicable event as an excuse to swear off love, romance, or intimate partner relationships altogether? Thankfully, Eternia didn’t choose that outcome. Years after the release of At Last, the lyricist married another hip hop artist, Mr. Lif.

If you’ve experienced sexual assault or rape, what will you do? Will you move from the present while looking to the future? If you’d like more information about how to do so, I’m here to try to help. Together, let’s see if we can help you to get better!

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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