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Writer's pictureDeric Hollings

To Marry or Not


 

Imagine that I offered you a jar containing 10 pieces of candy. It could be any variety of confectionary, not solely the type in the above photo. What matters in this thought exercise is that the offer is enticing. You like sweets and I offer you a jar with 10 pieces of candy.

 

However, there’s a catch. Some of the delicious treats are tainted with a nonfatal toxin that may lead to nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, or other undesirable side effects. Remember, you aren’t being forced to sample the offered delicacy. You do have a choice in this matter.

 

Still, there’s another hidden disadvantage to ingesting the candy. While you run the risk of about a 35-39% illness rate for your first taste of candy, the second sampling carries around 60-67% likelihood that you’ll fall ill. You may have “it” coming out of both ends, if you catch my drift.

 

If you’re brave enough to go back for thirds, you’re facing a 73% chance of illness. Also – and don’t complain to me, because I’m merely a messenger – if you’re a man who’s offered this same jar of candy, though from a woman, you stand a 69% chance of affliction.

 

Now, who wants some candy?

 

This relatively brief thought exercise demonstrates statistical data regarding divorces within the United States. Noteworthy, and although I’ve been guilty of recklessly tossing around the figure whereby 50% of marriages are said to end in divorce, the data doesn’t reflect this statistic.

 

Nevertheless, the quandary faced by many people remains: to marry or not. This dilemma serves as the name of chapter 8 in the book Creative Marriage. Personally, the 35-39% statistic was endured and I logically and reasonably determined that I didn’t want to try the 60-67% odds.

 

In a blogpost entitled Hermit Life, I outlined my rationale for this rational decision. Therefore, I won’t burden you with details herein as to why I healthily chose to go my own way. (Rest assured that the resolution reached wasn’t a fear-based matter.)

 

In any case, I remain aware that many men and women face the quandary about whether or not to marry. Bear in mind that the question assessed here isn’t, “Will I get married?” That’s a predictive assessment not addressed in the current blog entry.

 

Likewise, I’m not examining the inquiry, “Can I get married?” That’s a matter of ability and isn’t something covered in the content of this blogpost.

 

Instead, the investigation faced by many people is one of a preferential nature concerning whether or not they should, must, or ought to marry. As such, the thought exercise with which I began this post relates to one of two cases outlined in chapter 8 of Creative Marriage.

 

First, I’ll briefly address the case to which it doesn’t apply – an individual named Sally who, like me following my first marriage, arrived at a rational conclusion about not choosing to marry. The authors suggest of Sally (page 99):

 

First of all, she doubts whether she would like to assume all the normal responsibilities of marriage—caring for her husband and children, sacrificing time and energy, doing things she might not like to do. Secondly, she does not want to be sexually or amatively restricted. Thirdly, she wants companionship but also frequently wants privacy. Fourthly, she doesn’t want anyone telling her what to do or not to do.

 

The authors highlight Sally’s interests (i.e., wants, preferences, etc.) and disinterests. Psychotherapeutically, when an individual expresses such interests it’s then helpful to set specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound goals in order to fulfill the interests.

 

For instance, if Sally is interested in not getting married, then her goal is fairly straightforward. She simply continues about her life without taking steps toward matrimony. Success!

 

Of course, as was the case with me for a number of years, people will likely have plenty to say about how supposedly unhealthy it is for Sally not to marry. Addressing this matter, the authors of Creative Marriage state (page 99):

 

Is Sally, then, abnormal? Is her opposition to marriage peculiar or neurotic? No, not necessarily. Granted that her present life is not entirely satisfactory and there are notable gaps in it. Although marriage may, on the one hand, fill some of these gaps, the chances are that it will also, on the other hand, interfere with some of the satisfactions of her present free existence.

 

There are obvious trade-offs to marrying and choosing not to marry. If Sally has logically and reasonably assessed these matters, rather than allowing irrational beliefs about marriage to cause unhelpful consequences such as fear, then there’s nothing inherently unhealthy about her choice.

 

In fact, if offered a jar of candy, Sally may healthily conclude, “Although I enjoy sweets, I’ve chosen not to consume processed sugars. Instead of confectionary, I’ll opt for a Pink Lady apple.” (I won’t fault her for foregoing a Honeycrisp apple, because that means more for me.)

 

Citing a separate case, Marcia – the sort of individual who may self-disturb to fear when using unfavorable beliefs about a jar of candy containing a nonfatal toxin, the authors of Creative Marriage report (page 101):

 

Marcia’s experiences with her mother and father, as well as with others who were important to her in her younger years, have led her to believe, quite falsely and yet strongly, that she is worthless, hopeless, and impossible, and particularly that she is not a worthy object of love. To make matters infinitely worse, she has been perpetually repeating to herself, for about twenty years, the same negative propaganda that her parents originally said or implied.

 

Her own repetitions of this nonsense, together with the blunders or ineffectualities which have resulted from her continually telling herself that she could not possibly do well in various aspects of life, have convinced her of her “worthlessness” far more thoroughly than have the originally promulgated parental hypotheses.

 

The authors provide ample evidence of a global evaluation, or negative self-rating, which is one of the four major irrational beliefs recognized in rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT) literature. Essentially, Marcia believes that she is altogether worthless.

 

Who would want to marry an entirely worthless individual? Self-downing, negatively rating herself at a zero on an imaginary scale of worth, or globally evaluating herself as absolutely an unworthy object of love, Marcia’s beliefs cause the consequence of fear in regard to marriage.

 

This is an illogical and unreasonable assessment that speaks to the original investigation of a preferential nature in regard to whether or not one should, must, or ought to marry. If globally evaluating oneself as worthless, the logical conclusion is that one therefore shouldn’t marry.

 

This isn’t the sort of assessment that Sally or I used when determining that marriage, albeit it with its merits and trade-offs, isn’t of interest and therefore doesn’t serve as a goal in life. Rather, Marcia self-disturbed into a fearful disposition and thus reactively avoids marital prospects.

 

According to the authors of Creative Marriage, “there are two basic reasons for an individual’s resisting marriage in our society: logical and illogical, non-neurotic and neurotic” (page 102). Marcia’s reason not to marry relates to illogical and neurotic beliefs.

 

The authors add, “On the logical side, it should be forthrightly pointed out that not everyone, by any means, should marry. There are some individuals, and perhaps not too few, who just are not suited for marriage” (pages 102-103). I concur.

 

Unfortunately, as I’ve experienced from a number of individuals, some people raise moral and ethical concerns, and use unproductive absolutistic beliefs which are steeped in societally-based principles of collective well-being, in regard to members of society who choose not to marry.

 

“You must accept a piece of candy from the jar,” one says, “otherwise the population replacement rate will suffer.” The inference from this composite individual is that I must first marry and then I must reproduce to satisfy the population replacement level of 2.1%.

 

One glaring problem regarding this rhetoric is that my preferential should belief (i.e., I shouldn’t marry) means more to me than the absolutistic must belief of other people (i.e., you must accept a piece of candy from the jar). Regarding this values clash, I’m sticking with my decision.

 

In consideration of this dilemma, the authors conclude, “Not all people should marry. But, in this society, most probably should. Marriage, for the average male and female raised within our culture, seems to be at least the lesser evil, if not necessarily the greatest good” (page 109).

 

Noteworthy, the authors of Creative Marriage utilize a recommendatory, non-disturbing should statement when asserting that people probably should marry. Nevertheless, they flexibly acknowledge that “not all people should marry.” Thus, Sally and I remain in the latter category.

 

How about you? When faced with the quandary to marry or not, what will you choose (or what have you already chosen)? It’s worth taking into account that not all of the candy in the jar is poisoned. Even regarding those pieces which contain a toxin, it isn’t necessarily fatal.

 

Now, who wants some candy?

 

If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

 

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

 

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!

 

 

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

 

References:

 

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