Serenity Now!

[DISCLAIMER]

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

From time to time, I enjoy the work of content creator David Freiheit (“Viva Frei”) who offers sociopolitical commentary on platforms such as YouTube, Rumble, and Locals. As is the case with everyone in existence, I don’t agree with everything Viva Frei (or anyone else) has to say.

Nonetheless, the content creator self-reportedly has either symptoms or a diagnosis of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, as I’ve also been diagnosed with this condition, and I find it amusing how self-disturbed Viva Frei becomes with his unhelpful beliefs about various topics.

For context, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and one Believes some unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s one’s unfavorable assumption and not the occurrence itself that causes an unpleasant Consequence.

This unpleasant outcome can relate to a cognitive, emotive, sensational, or behavioral experience such as frustration, irritability, anger, and so forth. On many occasions, I’ve observed Viva Frei disturb himself to the point whereby he instantly cites the Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

If memory serves, the content creator once stated that someone recommended the prayer to him as a method of reducing distress or disturbance. Regarding Viva Frei’s behavior, I’m reminded of the 159th episode of the sitcom Seinfeld, regarding which one source states:

An instructional tape advises Frank Costanza to say “serenity now” every time he gets angry in order to keep his blood pressure down […] Lloyd [Braun] warns George [Costanza] the “serenity now” mantra is actually harmful, as it bottles up emotions.

Jerry’s [Seinfeld] girlfriend Patty observes that he never gets angry, and concludes he is repressing his emotions. At her continued goading, Jerry expresses real anger for the first time. Uplifted by the release of emotion, Jerry begins expressing anger all the time, driving Patty to break up with him […]

While driving with his arguing parents, writer Steve Koren was bewildered to hear his father shout “Serenity now!” at the top of his lungs as part of a rage controlling exercise he had heard about from an audio tape, and questioned whether the phrase was meant to be yelled.

Photo credit, property of NBC, fair use

When witnessing Viva Frei agitatedly muttering the Serenity Prayer while on livestreams, I envision Frank Costanza shouting “serenity now!” Similar to Steve Koren’s suspicion, I’m not convinced that merely speaking Stoic words out loud is an effective method of distress tolerance.

Regarding this matter, The Daily Stoic cites a quote from ancient Greek philosopher Epictetus, from the Discourses of Epictetus (page 15):

“The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control. Where then do I look for good and evil? Not to uncontrollable externals, but within myself to the choices that are my own . . .”

Regarding this quote, in a blogpost entitled Circle of Concern I referenced a modified version of author Stephen Covey’s circles of concern and influence. When practicing REBT, I recognize the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as the area of no concern.

The circle of concern represents oneself (e.g., you control what food you consume). The circle of influence represents people, places, and things over which one may have influence, though no legitimate control (e.g., you may or may not be able to influence your spouse to do something).

The circle of concern regards matters over which one has no control or meaningful influence (e.g., the past). The area of no concern relates to issues about which one doesn’t even fully understand and which no control or influence is possible (e.g., interdimensional beings).

Helpfully, REBT uses the tool of unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve suffering regarding these circles and the area of no concern. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance, unconditional other-acceptance, and unconditional life-acceptance.

Tolerance and acceptance of this sort is the practical use of Stoic principles. Noteworthy, there’s a distinct difference between merely citing the Serenity Prayer or yelling “serenity now!” and actually practicing UA. One method relates to mere words and the other involves action.

Regarding this approach to rational living, the authors of The Daily Stoic state, “The single most important practice in Stoic philosophy is differentiating between what we can change and what we can’t. What we have influence over and what we do not” (page 15).

For example, I once observed Viva Frei become so self-disturbed by his beliefs about a sensitive topic involving kids that rather than disputing his irrational beliefs he took a moment during the livestream to repeatedly recite the Serenity Prayer. This did very little to assuage his behavior.

I suspect that the reason Viva Frei continued to experience emotional agitation is because mere citation of an incantation isn’t likely to resolve the fact that Viva Frei had no actual control or influence over the situation faced by children about whom the content creator spoke.

The authors of The Daily Stoic state that “time spent hurling yourself at these immovable objects is time not spent on the things we can change” (page 15). As such, Stoicism philosophy acknowledges that people can change the future by actions (not mere words) taken in the present.

It may be argued that it’s an action to yell out “serenity now!” Furthermore, it could be stated that practice of UA regards citation of philosophical principles. Admittedly, these two approaches to tolerance of distress and disturbance appear to fulfill a similar role.

While I appreciate this perspective, I maintain that UA requires an individual to: (1) recite whatever helpful Stoic adage one chooses, (2) actively let go of the illusion about one’s own level of control and influence, and (3) daily practice this productive method of rational living.

The authors of The Daily Stoic conclude, “If we can focus on making clear what parts of our day are within our control and what parts are not, we will not only be happier, we will have a distinct advantage over other people who fail to realize they are fighting an unwinnable battle” (page 15).

While I’ve been amused at the antics of Viva Frei and the depiction of Frank Costanza attempting to calm themselves, I find that actual practice – and not the mere citation of Stoic adages – may do more for un-disturbing an individual than the anecdotal cases identified herein.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

References:

Daily Stoic. (n.d.). Translating the Stoics: An interview with “The Daily Stoic” co-author Stephen Hanselman. Retrieved from https://dailystoic.com/stephen-hanselman-interview/

Development Partnership. (n.d.). Stephen Covey’s circle of concern and circle of influence. Retrieved from https://dplearningzone.the-dp.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2015/06/Covey.pdf

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