Growing up, not much was discussed in regard to my late maternal granddad’s background. Prior to his death in 1991, and before he lost his voice to the effects of throat cancer, I recall him telling me about his extensive model airplane and ship collection which was kept in a garage.
Having served as an Army private in World War II (WWII), he apparently maintained an interest in machinery used by the Allied Powers. My granddad also seemed quite fond of beer and pipes, as I don’t remember many moments in which he wasn’t smoking and drinking.
That is with exception to my memory of his last words to me. As he’d just retired to his bedroom for the evening, I sought out one last hug for the day. Climbing into bed with my granddad, he hugged me tightly and said, “I love you.”
If this were all I expressed about the deceased man with whom I share genetic material, what might your impression be of my granddad? The mental image I’ve provided isn’t necessarily atypical of a United States man from his era.
Nevertheless, my expressed memories don’t adequately convey the nuanced reality of a complex system that was the fallible human being I call granddad. As far as I’m concerned, he wasn’t a good or bad, holy or evil, or right or wrong person.
Rather, he was an imperfect individual who behaved in ways which I’ve appreciated, found reprehensible, and about which I remain ambivalent or even indifferent. For instance, I enjoyed the expression of love my granddad conveyed to me.
Still, I consider some of his alleged behavior disgraceful. While maintaining the integrity of their identities, I’m aware of allegations against my granddad regarding repeated aggravated sexual assault concerning two minor members of my family.
Likewise, when exploring my family history years ago, I learned that five years following WWII, my granddad apparently murdered his wife by shooting her in the back with a rifle. She was 25-years-old at the time of her death.
I’m unsure about what punishment my granddad received from the murder. Although, I recall hearing about a prison term, yet I can’t say for certain. Likewise, the two family members who alleged abuse from him came forward after his death. As such, he wasn’t punished for his behavior.
Additionally, the details related to my granddad’s death are somewhat of a mystery to me. I was told that he was killed in a gunfight outside of a bar. If one chooses to live by the gun, there’s a likelihood of dying by the gun which may be expected.
In any case, when thinking about the flawed nature of humans, I view my late granddad through the lens of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). In particular, I frame my characterization of him through the lens of unconditional acceptance (UA).
REBT theory uses unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA) to help people stop disturbing themselves regarding matters over which they have no control and little influence. For context, consider the following:
USA – I acknowledge that I’m a fallible human being in control of only a portion of my thoughts, bodily functions, and behavior. As an example, with only the process of cognitive ability, I can’t stop my heartbeat. Likewise, I can stop thoughts for only a limited time.
Nevertheless, thoughts and beliefs aren’t the same cognitive processes. The latter tends to serve as attitudes, personal philosophies, or assumptions which are often influenced by morals and ethics, principles, virtues, and other mental content.
Therefore, I can control only a portion of my own processes – of which beliefs are included. Moreover, I do so imperfectly. While I may try to improve upon what I believe, how I feel, and the manner in which I behave, I do this without rigidity of mind or unhelpful conditions placed upon myself.
UOA – I admit that just as I’m a fallible human being, other people are also flawed. Likewise, being that I have only partial control over myself, it’s true that I have virtually no control over others. Rather, I may be able to influence people if they allow me to do so.
For instance, using psychoeducation, I hope to influence you by communicating REBT techniques. Nevertheless, I don’t maintain an inflexible condition regarding whether or not you accept my attempt to influence you.
After all, you’re a self-determined and autonomous individual for whom I’m not personally responsible or accountable. Given that you have agency, and likely free will, I maintain no unproductive conditions in relation to your perception of this blogpost.
ULA – I recognize that just as you and I are fallible, life is also imperfect. Maintenance of an unfavorable condition otherwise would likely lead to self-disturbance. All the same, people quite often upset themselves with irrational beliefs about life.
For instance, although I don’t consider my granddad a good or bad man, he undoubtedly behaved in a bad, immoral, illegal, and inappropriate manner at times. Although I’d prefer that the woman he apparently murdered didn’t have her life taken from her, I can’t control or influence the past.
The same is true of the two family members who’ve alleged abuse regarding my granddad. I’m helpless at taking away any suffering they experienced in connection with their beliefs about his purported behavior.
Therefore, I unconditionally accept the flaws of a temporal dimension over which I remain incapable of altering. Noteworthy, this perspective doesn’t diminish the significance of historical acts. Instead, I merely acknowledge my powerlessness to change the past.
When discussing UA with other people, I sometimes receive understandable challenge to this helpful REBT tool. Apparently, there are people who desire to right historical wrongs. For improved understanding of this concept, consider the following case vignette:
Valerie was aware that when she told children to say they were sorry, she often got reluctant compliance or a superficial acknowledgment of wrongdoing. What she wanted was a commitment to change. She saw this same pattern in history, a superficial “sorry”, or sympathy for historical injustice without seeing the need for peoples and nations to commit to deep changes to put right past wrongs that still impact today.
In this example, Valerie doesn’t practice UOA or ULA. First, she unhelpfully demands a “commitment to change.” This is akin to rejecting UOA by saying, “Your apology isn’t enough, because even though you’re fallible and all, you must do better in order to make this right!”
This inflexible condition is what causes self-disturbance if the fallible human being to whom Valerie speaks may respond, “You can go fuck yourself, Valerie. How ‘bout that?” Second, Valerie’s unproductive fixation on “historical injustice” is a rejection of ULA.
One cannot undo in the present that which was done in the past. It’s an impossible objective. Moreover, it’s illogical and unreasonable to conclude that others “need” (must) to “commit to deep changes to put right past wrongs.”
Valerie’s refusal to tolerate and accept an unalterable past will cause a self-disturbed and miserable condition. Thus, practice of UA may serve her well. Ultimately, people can’t right historical wrongs though they can prevent current and future misguided beliefs and behavior in themselves.
Years after my granddad was said to have violated two of my family members, one of them spoke with me and I asked the unhelpful question, “Why didn’t you tell me at the time this happened?” Back then, I knew very little about psychotherapy and how unproductive that question was.
All the same, my family member responded, “Because, Deric, I knew you would kill him and I didn’t want you to get in trouble.” She knew me well. As a child, I knew nothing of UA and I would’ve committed a similar act for which my granddad was said to have been responsible regarding his 25-year-old wife.
How would doing so serve my interests and goals? How would murder in the time when my granddad showed me model planes and ships have undone the wrongdoing of which he was accused?
I couldn’t have righted historical wrongs. The fact is that neither can you. Rather, we can practice USA, UOA, and ULA in order to keep from self-disturbing in regard to matters over which we have exceedingly limited control or influence.
I realize that this approach to rational living isn’t appealing to some individuals. A number of people may inflexibly demand justice. Even legal action taken inside of a courtroom may not suffice for this cohort.
Plausibly, family members of the deceased woman who my granddad reportedly murdered may demand that I right historical wrongdoing of my granddad. I wasn’t even alive when he was said to have gunned down his wife.
Thus, what I offer through the practice of REBT isn’t in alignment with retribution. Instead, I offer people an escape from mental, emotional, and behavioral bondage of unpleasant emotions, bodily sensations, and behavior stemming from unhelpful beliefs about historical wrongs.
Although it can’t change the past, this form of self-help can alter one’s path from the current temporal point and moving forward. If you’d like to know more about setting yourself free from cognitive, emotive, and behavioral shackles of self-disturbance, I look forward to hearing from you.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
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