Regarding Control

[DISCLAIMER]

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

When working with clients or posting psychoeducational lessons within my blog, I often discuss the concept of control—to exercise restraining or directing influence or power over oneself. Also, I encourage people to consider that they control only themselves (and to a limited degree).

Notably, control of oneself isn’t the same thing as influence—the power or capacity of causing an effect in indirect or intangible ways—over other people. Even when producing an effect without apparent exertion of force or direct exercise of command, one’s abilities are limited.

This is apparently a difficult lesson for some people to accept, because they cling to rigid notions of their ability to control themselves, other people, and life in general. Regarding this matter, I stated in a blogpost entitled Circle of Concern:

[W]hen working with individuals, I collaborate with them to address what a person can do to bring about change in one’s own life—not society as a whole. Taking ownership of one’s own actions, to lead to a more helpful outcome, is the goal.

Photo credit (edited), fair use

In invite you to take a moment to consider the planet Earth on which you live. Do you control or influence volcanic eruptions, hurricanes, glacial melting, the death of animals on the Serengeti, overfishing of the ocean, or other such matters of mere concern?

When posing similar questions, I sometimes receive sarcastic responses. “Uh, yeah,” one individual may reply, “I could go to the Serengeti and hunt animals, thus affecting my personal responsibility and accountability [collectively “ownership”] regarding death.”

Indeed, personal ownership of one who hunts animals on the Serengeti could relate to influence concerning the death of animals. However, I’m talking about you and not some imagined individual. Are you that person? If not, sarcasm doesn’t negate the lesson I’m delivering.

Generally, you don’t maintain much control or influence regarding most matters in life. Consider the past, natural disasters, death, and other such elements in what is conceptually referred to as the circle of concern. You may have some influence over these events, though no control.

Envision a smaller circle within that sphere, and you have the circle of influence. There are elements over which you may have some level of capacity to cause an effect. As an example, perhaps you have a limited ability to influence your spouse to perform a particular act for you.

There are no guarantees within the circle of influence. Rather, as is often the case, self-determined and autonomous individuals with free wills and personal agency of their own can reject your attempt to exert influence over them. Perhaps you’ve already realized this lesson.

Given that you have no control and limited impact in the circles of concern and influence, what then do you have control over? This isn’t a trick question, as I’ve already stated, “I encourage people to consider that they control only themselves (and to a limited degree).”

Authors of The Daily Stoic understand this crucial lesson. On page 23, they cite the following quote by Greek Stoic philosopher Epictetus (whose philosophical inspiration is interwoven into REBT):

Some things are in our control, while others are not. We control our opinion, choice, desire, aversion, and, in a word, everything of our own doing. We don’t control our body, property, reputation, position, and, in a word, everything not of our own doing. Even more, the things in our control are by nature free, unhindered, and unobstructed, while those not in our control are weak, slavish, can be hindered, and are not our own.

Recall my remark about controlling oneself “and to a limited degree”? Epictetus asserts that we “don’t control our body”. To demonstrate how little mastery you have in the conceptualized circle of control, I propose a demonstrative exercise at this time.

For the next minute, see if you can – with only the power of your mind – stop your heart from beating. No? How about stopping your thoughts for ten whole minutes? Not possible? But, aren’t you in control of your body and mind? Of course you are, though only to a limited degree.

To recapitulate, you have no control and limited influence concerning the circles of concern and influence. Regarding control, you have some mastery over yourself (i.e., mind, body, etc.). On page 23, authors of The Daily Stoic expand upon this lesson by proposing:

Today, you won’t control the external events that happen. Is that scary? A little, but it’s balanced when we see that we can control our opinion about those events. You decide whether they’re good or bad, whether they’re fair or unfair. You don’t control the situation, but you control what you think about it.

“But wait a minute, Deric,” an astute reader may interject, “didn’t you just identify that I don’t have full control of my thoughts? How then can ‘we control our opinion about’ matters over which we have no control and limited influence, such as mass shooting events?”

Whereas a thought or opinion is a fleeting idea, a belief is a thought that one strongly holds as true and that influences one’s views and behavior. Essentially, a belief is a thought that has been affirmed and integrated into one’s cognitive framework. It’s considered true, though not perfect.

While you don’t fully control your thoughts, you can control what you perceive or believe about a situation. Regarding control of this sort, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 23):

Every single thing that is outside your control—the outside world, other people, luck, karma, whatever—still presents a corresponding area that is in your control. This alone gives us plenty to manage, plenty of power.

The “area that is in your control” relates to your beliefs. Thus, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when Actions occur and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about these events, it’s your unfavorable assumptions and not occurrences which cause an unpleasant Consequence.

Given this approach to rational living, I consider it a disempowering affair to lie to oneself about how much control and influence one actually has in life, and a matter of empowerment to be honest in this regard. Finally, authors of The Daily Stoic conclude (page 23):

Best of all, an honest understanding of what is within our control provides real clarity about the world: all we have is our own mind. Remember that today when you try to extend your reach outward—that it’s much better and more appropriately directed inward.

I encourage you to consider that you control only yourself (and to a limited degree). Yet, you’re welcome to self-disturb with irrational beliefs to the contrary. While you’re freaking yourself out, I’ll be here taking control over my beliefs about how little influence I have over you.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

References:

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