In a blogpost entitled People Who Live in Glass Houses, I identified an assortment of should-type beliefs associated with demandingness and in regard to Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). Herein, I’ll address one form of these non-self-disturbing demands.
Before expanding upon what a recommendatory should statement is and how it functions, it may be useful to first describe basic elements of REBT which serve as a type of self-help method for rational living. Essentially, there are two main techniques used in this version of cognitive behavior therapy.
REBT theory first uses the ABC model to illustrate how when Activating events (“Actions”) occur and people maintain irrational Beliefs about the events, these unhelpful assumptions – and not the actual occurrences – are what create unpleasant cognitive, emotive, bodily sensation, and behavioral Consequences.
In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people use: demandingness, awfulizing, low frustration tolerance, and global evaluations. Addressing these, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unhelpful attitudes in order to explore Effective new beliefs.
From a psychological standpoint, people disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.
As an example, if you recommend that your loved one not consume copious amounts of processed sugar and the individual does so anyway (Action), your loved one may develop type 2 diabetes (Consequence). From an A-C perspective, too much sugar circulating in the bloodstream can contribute to type 2 diabetes.
Still, if during the undesirable type 2 diabetes diagnostic event you recommendatorily Believe, “My loved one really should’ve listened to me,” then you’ll likely be un-disturbed though understandably disappointed (Consequence). This B-C connection isn’t necessarily self-disturbing, because you can tolerate and accept an outcome over which you had no control.
Thus, I help people to stop upsetting themselves through use of B-C connections, though I can’t fully resolve their A-C connections. To accomplish my objective as a psychotherapist, I invite individuals to take personal responsibility and accountability for their reactions to events.
Secondly, REBT uses the technique of unconditional acceptance to relieve suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance, unconditional other-acceptance, and unconditional life-acceptance.
Additionally, foundational components incorporated into REBT relate to Stoicism—a philosophical practice valuing four virtues (wisdom, courage, temperance or moderation, and justice) as a means of achieving eudemonia—a life well-lived, as well as humanism—the process of healing oneself.
As well, REBT is influenced by existentialist principles—essentially positing that each of us will inevitably die and that we can search for purpose and meaning as a method of living a well-lived existence. Importantly, all of these techniques require frequent (and I mean daily) practice.
To better understand recommendatory should beliefs, in a blog entry entitled Shoulding at the Supermarket I provided commentary on what one prominent REBT practitioner offered when addressing this sort of assumption, while using an example of shopping at a supermarket:
You approach [a] shopper and say, “You know, I’ve tried both of these brands and I think you should go with the Deliciosa [brand], because it’s creamier and the noodles in the Yummo package somehow don’t cook just right.” Here, you’ve used a recommendatory should statement. Regarding this form of shoulding, one source states:
[Y]ou may recommend that a person take a particular course of action as in the statement: ‘You should put your money into a PEP [personal equity plan].’ Assuming that the person is acting in good faith, what she is saying here is that she thinks that it would be good for you to take out a PEP and this is what she recommends you to do. While the content of the recommendation may be questioned an REBT therapist would not question the recommendatory ‘should’ since it is not, by itself, dogmatic.
Your recommendation for a shopper to select one brand of macaroni and cheese over another may be perceived as unwanted, though it isn’t characterized by or given to the expression of opinions very strongly or positively as if they were facts. Therefore, this isn’t a should narrative worthy of disputation.
Thus, recommendatory should beliefs are often flexible, arguably rational, and usually not self-defeating assumptions which aren’t necessarily worth challenging, because they typically don’t cause self-disturbance. A separate source states of recommendatory should beliefs:
This ‘should’ specifies a recommendation for self or other: ‘You should read this book’ translates to ‘I recommend that you read this book,’ or ‘I really should go to bed early tonight’ means ‘It’s in my best interest to go to bed early tonight.’
Ultimately, recommendatory should beliefs are frequently and helpfully used in common parlance, as I tend to use these sorts of narratives within my practice of REBT Hopefully, the information contained herein helps you determine if you want to continue using this sort of belief.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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