At around the time that I graduated with a master’s degree in counseling (2011), I befriended a woman who I’ll refer to as “person X.” She confided in me about a presumed inability to engage in sexual intercourse unless she was inebriated.
For a number of reasons, this perceived impediment created dilemmas for person X. First, if she drove to a bar or club in order to socialize and perhaps find a suitable partner for sex, person X apparently needed to get shit-faced at a location from which she would then drive for intercourse.
Second, once at a man’s home, if she made it safely, person X’s sexual partner for the evening engaged in a moral and ethical dilemma of smashing someone who was totally smashed. Could person X legally consent to sexual intercourse when blitzed due to heavy alcohol consumption?
Third, person X expressed to me that while able to engage in the physical act of sex, it was psychologically difficult for her to participate in any meaningful manner. Mainly, this was because she drifted in and out of consciousness when bumping uglies.
Fourth, during the following day, as she experienced significant sensational consequences of alcohol abuse (i.e., nausea, headache, etc.), person X felt sorrow and guilt as emotional outcomes caused by unhelpful beliefs about her behavior. Still, this wasn’t the extent of her experience.
Lastly, person X informed me that once she was sober and had a moment of clarity to reflect upon her actions, she developed fear of a possible inability to break free from the unhealthy cycle that she created. All the same, she repeated this unpleasant pattern over and over again.
One day, when discussing this matter more in depth as good friends sometimes do, person X admitted that she viewed sexual intercourse as desirable though she awfulized in regard to attaining that level of intimacy. Perhaps it’s worth briefly expanding upon this matter herein.
While in graduate school for counseling, I concentrated on the study of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) which uses a technique of the ABC model to demonstrate how a belief-consequence (B-C) connection serves as a causal element for self-disturbance.
Given this perspective, when an undesirable Action occurred and person X Believed some unhelpful narrative about the event, it was her unfavorable assumption and not the occurrence itself that caused an unpleasant Consequence. The B-C outcome is how people upset themselves.
This isn’t the same as an action-consequence (A-C) connection that explains how alcohol impacts the body. From an A-C perspective, person X consumed copious amounts of alcohol (Action) and as a result she became inebriated (Consequence).
However, it was person X’s unfavorable Belief about being intimately vulnerable with an individual that caused fear of partaking in the otherwise desirable activity of knocking boots (Consequence). Rather than helpfully Disputing her irrational philosophy, person X drank.
In REBT, disputation is the act of questioning, challenging, and contradicting irrational beliefs. This is done in order to convince oneself in regard to logical and reasonable Effective new beliefs rather than to continue using illogical and unreasonable old and unhelpful Beliefs.
In the case of person X, she awfulized intimacy when unfavorably Believing, “It would be terrible to get close to someone and be rejected, so I should drink in order to smooth things over.” Using this B-C connection, she ultimately transitioned from fear to sorrow and guilt.
Person X’s strategy for tolerating and accepting the discomfort inherent with establishing intimate bonds was to take the bottoms up approach in order to go face down, ass up. Regarding this unhelpful method of living, the authors of Creative Marriage state (page 130):
How did you convince yourself that various other superstitions that you once believed—such as a belief in the horror of spilling salt or seeing a black cat—were not true? By thinking about them. By working at getting rid of them. By weighing, time and again, the so-called evidence supporting them and finding it wanting.
In other words, as I tell my patients almost ad nauseam, you can only get rid of a superstition or false belief—such as your belief that sex is horrible—by continually questioning, challenging, contradicting it, by doing what we do in scientific experiments: marshaling the factual evidence against this highly implausible hypothesis.
Person X later settled with a man and they established an intimate bond without the perceived need for alcohol influence. She expressed that initially it was an uncomfortable experience for her not to get wasted before doing the shitty, shitty bang, bang (use your imagination).
However, when she questioned, challenged, and contradicted her irrational beliefs, person X was finally able to enjoy sexual intercourse with her intimate partner. As I understand, there were far fewer dilemmas with this approach to rational living than there were with her previous strategy.
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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