The above photo was taken in 1991, when I lived in a children’s home and began the informal practice of life coaching. Primarily giving advice to other residents of the home eventually transitioned into secondary action whereby I engaged in supportive talks with adult staff members who worked at the home.
Looking back, coaching other people afforded me an opportunity to avoid dwelling on my own problems. Somewhat selfishly, I found that hearing of childhood traumatic experiences which were far more unsettling than mine provided me with perspective when comparing my life to that of other residents.
Still, I understood that something within me was unsettled. After all, even the brother and sister residents of the home who were several years younger than me and whose family reportedly engaged in bisexual marathon sessions of incest didn’t behave as I did.
Likewise, the family of five brothers and sisters who were placed in care of the home didn’t exhibit similar actions even though stories about their house of horrors was said to have been far more challenging than my biological familial home. Thus, I knew something with me was off.
As an example, I stated in a blogpost entitled Self-Discipline, “On a daily basis, I once wore a black hoodie given to me by my dad. When it was stolen, I decided to wear black shirts daily for almost a year.” The above photo was taken in my black t-shirt phase. Also, in an entry entitled Preparedness, I stated:
In middle school, I kept an empty backpack at the children’s home in which I lived and would time myself to see how long it would take to gather necessary items to run away. I had it down to a minute, which was less than the response time for local deputies who captured other runaway children.
The version of me depicted in the photo for this blogpost had a well-rehearsed plan involving a backpack, indicative of ritualistic behavior. As an added measure, a secondary backpack could be preloaded with gear so that my primary kit could be worn on my back and the secondary item would be placed on my chest.
Packing bags wasn’t something I observed or even heard of other children’s home residents doing. As such, I decided not to tell anyone about my behavior while internalizing guilt regarding how odd I believed that I was—not merely how oddly I behaved.
At that time in my life, I knew nothing about Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). Had I been privy to information about the ABC model, I likely would’ve understood the process of self-disturbance and how people upset themselves through use of unhelpful self-narratives.
REBT theory maintains that when an unexpected Action occurs and a person uses an irrational Belief about the situation, it’s one’s unhelpful attitude and not the undesirable circumstance that causes unpleasant cognitive, emotive, sensational, and behavioral effects as Consequences.
From a psychological standpoint, people disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.
For example, frequent instability concerning my living situation in childhood (Action) could mean that I’d need to leave a home in an instant (Consequence). From an A-C perspective, my mom, sisters, and I frequently moved when my mom couldn’t afford rent.
However, with repeated instances of moving (Action), I unfavorably Believed, “I ought to have bags packed in advance and I shouldn’t grow attached to any home in which I live.” Using this unproductive self-narrative, I experienced constant underlying fear (Consequence).
Rather than remaining self-disturbed, an individual is invited to try Disputation which may lead to an Effective new belief that’s used in place of an unproductive self-narrative. With the ABC model, a person learns to stop needless suffering which is caused by unhelpful B-C assumptions.
Helpfully, REBT uses the technique of unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve this sort of suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).
Of course, all of this would’ve been helpful to have known in 1991. However, my ignorance (lack of knowledge) of REBT resulted in self-disturbance into a fearful disposition. I also used a B-C connection to further disturb myself about being self-disturbed. (Meta-disturbed, of sorts.)
I realized that my behavior wasn’t similar to other residents of the children’s home (Action) and I unaccommodatingly Believed, “I’m broken and it’s awful that I’m not like the other kids, because I shouldn’t be as I am!” With these unhelpful assumptions, I experienced guilt (Consequence).
Eventually, a family with whom I attended church services took me out of the children’s home to live with them. When residing with them, the song “Fallin’” was released on the Judgment Night soundtrack (1994), as a collaboration between Scottish band Teenage Fanclub and historic hip hop trio De La Soul.
On the track, De La Soul member Plug Two states, “Hey yo, pack my bags, ‘cause I’m out of here. Momma don’t love me, and my momma don’t care.” I recall waiting patiently by a dual cassette stereo when listening to Bomb City DJ Deana E. so that I could record the track from the radio in real-time.
Once I had a decent copy of the track, I mixed Plug Two’s lines into a mixtape for my friends. They knew little about how meaningful those verses were to me, because I was still conducting one-minute drills when residing with the family that took me into their home.
I found meaning in my situation when listening to Plug Two’s lines (Action) and using the Effective new belief, “Although my mom doesn’t love me or care, I can pack my bags and be outta here if I have to go.” Here, the words “have to” function as a should-type of demand.
Yet, rather than demandingness of a self-disturbing kind, I was motivated by my helpful Effective new belief about resilience (Consequence). This E-C connection served well my interests and goals to use bag-packing as a survival strategy instead of something about which to be guilty.
Unfortunately, during my senior year of high school the family with whom I stayed kicked me out and I returned to the children’s home for the remaining months before graduation. To me, packing bags was normal—conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern: characterized by that which is considered usual, typical, or routine.
Admittedly, I unfavorably concluded that I was unlovable (as I’d been uprooted from many homes), that other people were useless (as the utility of others was repeatedly challenged), and life was unfair (as most people my age didn’t seem to experience the challenges that I did).
Respectively, USA, UOA, and ULA would’ve served me well back then. However, I didn’t know about REBT. Thus, I relied on packing my bags and found value in the phrase addressed in my blogpost Preparedness, —“If you stay ready, you ain’t got to get ready.”
Now, I understand how years of ignorance about REBT wasn’t an optimal strategy for rational living. Along with life coaching, I now work as a psychotherapist and invite people to unpack years of psychological baggage instead of continually packing bags while dress rehearsing tragedy, à la Brené Brown.
Contrary to popular belief, my approach to well-being in this regard isn’t about helping people to feel better by bitching, whining, moaning, and complaining about the past. That form of cathartic so-called “therapy” isn’t useful beyond anything more than a couple of sessions.
Rather, my objective is to try to help people actually get better by encouraging them to use the ABC model and UA as a means of improving their level of functioning and quality of life. Unpacking bags is fine, though not packing them in the first place is even better.
Having begun to help people in 1991, over three decades of subjective trial and error have convinced me that an REBT approach to wellness is superior to that of advice-giving or mere listening to problems with which people present. Also, it helps that REBT has 50 years of objective evidence in support of this modality.
Perhaps you’ve been packing your proverbial bags and they’re beginning to weigh you down. Would you like to know more about how to stop self-disturbing in such a manner so that you may lighten your load? If so, I look forward to hearing from you.
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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