In a blogpost entitled Unconditional Acceptance, I listed a number of adages used by my late stepmom (featured to my left and the viewer’s right in the photo above). Often, these axiomatic terms were delivered through use of Ebonics (a portmanteau of the words ebony and phonics).
As we spoke via telephone every Sunday afternoon for many years, I’d sometimes hear my stepmom state, “One neva’ know, do one?” to express that a person never knows what could’ve been in the past, what presumably should be in the present, or what may occur in the future.
One imagines that my stepmom borrowed the phrase from Billie Holiday’s song “One Never Knows, Does One,” in which the talented singer states, “One never knows, does one? That’s just the way it goes” in regard to love.
Beyond the surface level of Ebonics abstraction, my stepmom was addressing the impermanence and uncertainty inherent in life. This applies to matters of love, hate, life, death, joy, sorrow, pleasure, pain, and other such elements which comprise the temporary and ambiguous nature of existence.
For example, in the photo above, I was flying from Quantico, Virginia to San Diego, California so that I could check in at my next Marine Corps duty station aboard Marine Corps Air Station Miramar. Although I desired for the plane not to crash on the way, one neva’ know, do one?
Likewise, I’d come from Lima, Peru before arriving at Quantico. In Lima, my projected 15-month orders to guard the United States Embassy was cut short to only eight months. What could’ve occurred, had I remained for the extra seven months? One neva’ know, do one?
The adage bestowed upon me by my stepmom assisted in my understanding of life through the lesson of remaining mentally, emotionally, and behaviorally flexible. All these years later, I keep this adage in mind when practicing Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT).
Particularly, I find the axiom useful when teaching others the psychoeducational lesson about of unconditional acceptance. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).
For instance, my time was cut short in Peru when other Marines ostensibly voted me out of the Marine Security Guard (MSG) detachment. When checking in at Quantico, other Marines joked about me being the “Survivor” MSG.
At the time, Survivor – a reality competition television franchise – was popular and contestants on the show were progressively eliminated from the game when voted out by their fellow contestants. Unhelpfully, I self-disturbed about this matter through use of irrational beliefs.
Regarding the ABC model of REBT, I was kicked out of Lima (Action) and I Believed, “I should’ve been allowed to stay, and because I wasn’t I really am a worthless Survivor MSG, as I could’ve done well in Lima!” This unhelpful assumption then caused sorrow (Consequence).
Retrospectively, I could’ve used my stepmom’s USA adage to un-disturb myself. “One neva’ know, do one? Would you rather have stayed seven more months in support of a Central Intelligence Agency mission with which you disagreed?” Hell-to-the no!
An astute reader may retort, “But Deric, you just reflected on the past and stated what you ‘could’ve used’ after just having said that ‘a person never knows what could’ve been in the past.’ Aren’t you contradicting yourself?” Hell-to-the-no!
Lamenting what could’ve been is an act of self-disturbance. Yet, hopeful reflection about what could’ve been, that may be used toward current and future events, is a matter of un-disturbing oneself. Still, I like where your head is at, imaginary reader, so keep critically thinking.
As USA could’ve helped resolve self-disturbance, UOA also could’ve been useful. For instance, I could’ve Believed, “The other MSGs who voted me out of Lima weren’t awful, and I can stand that not everyone likes me. Besides, one neva’ know, do one about what could’ve been?”
Presuming that you understand the utility of USA and UOA, as illustrated through a personal example, I now turn to a current event to show how my late stepmom’s adage and ULA can address self-disturbance. According to one source:
A passenger jet and a Black Hawk helicopter collided in midair Wednesday [1/29/2025] and crashed into the Potomac River near Reagan National Airport near Washington, D.C. President Trump confirmed Thursday that there were no survivors. Many of the victims have yet to be publicly identified.
The plane, American Eagle Flight No. 5342, a regional jetliner, was carrying 60 passengers and four crew members on a flight from Wichita, Kansas. There were three soldiers aboard the U.S. Army’s Sikorsky H-60, a Defense Department official told CBS News.
The loss of life regarding this event (Action) may be met with many self-disturbing Beliefs which cause unpleasant Consequences (i.e., rage, grief, etc.). Much as I once upset myself with unhelpful assumptions, I can understand how people may disturb themselves, as well.
Nonetheless, the practice of ULA acknowledges the impermanence and uncertainty of life. Using the adage of my stepmom, “One neva’ know, do one?” I imagine that none of the people killed in the unfortunate aeronautical event were convinced that they would die on Wednesday.
All the same, this is the temporary and ambiguous nature of existence. Rather than upsetting oneself about what could’ve, should’ve, or may’ve been, I invite you to understand, believe in, and practice REBT as a means to un-disturb yourself about unexpected events such as the crash.
After all, one neva’ know, do one?
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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