One Mistake

[DISCLAIMER]

Arguably, from the perspective of modernity, one of the lesser known forms of electronic dance music (EDM) relates to the subgenre of freestyle. Throughout the ‘80s, virtually everywhere I went, I heard this iteration of EDM being played in heavy rotation on radios.

Looking back, freestyle was a quintessential subgenre of EDM that rates a track on an imagined soundtrack to the ‘80s. Reflecting upon those days at this point in my life, I didn’t understand freestyles songs which largely featured themes relating to intimate partner relationships.

Rather, I merely danced along, sang lyrics, and enjoyed the moment. Now, I comprehend those lyrics in a way that was perhaps virtually impossible for my young mind to have understood. For instance, consider the song “One Mistake” by freestyle group Seduction.

It was featured on their album Nothing Matters Without Love (1989). With lead vocals by Idalis DeLeón, lyrics state, “One mistake is all it takes, that’s all it takes to break my heart,” and, “Don’t break my heart.” In childhood, those words superficially made sense to me.

Currently, I question the content when observing the lyrics through the lens of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). For context, “One Mistake” illustrates DeLeón’s hesitance to trust her intimate partner who she suspects as being unfaithful.

Examining the lyrics through an REBT perspective, as they relate to the ABC model, a line from the song stands out to me. It reflects an irrational belief identified in REBT literature called low frustration tolerance (LFT). If this belief had a catchphrase, it would be “I can’t stand it!”

Worth noting, the ABC model illustrates how individuals disturb themselves when undesirable Actions occur and people Believe unhelpful narratives about these events, as it’s the unfavorable assumptions and not the occurrences themselves which cause unpleasant Consequences.

For instance, in “One Mistake” DeLeón states:

The times we spend together

Nothing else can compare

My heart is overflowing

You know I really care

But last night while you were sleeping

I heard you whisper someone else’s name

I can’t stand this feeling

It's driving me insane

Rather than critiquing DeLeón’s use of a self-disturbing narrative, I ask that you forgive me a personal anecdote. I was once involved with an intimate partner who, on more than one occasion, called out another man’s name when she was sleeping beside me.

Shortly after this initially occurred, I asked my live-in girlfriend about the matter. She dismissed my concern by telling me it was merely the name of a client with whom she worked regarding her role as an inpatient social worker for a local psychiatric facility.

That wasn’t an implausible explanation, as I’d previously heard my girlfriend conducting group therapy in her sleep. (She was quite skilled.) Yet, when she continued to say a man’s name while on one occasion smiling in her sleep, this event served as an Action about which I self-disturbed.

In my partially wakened state, I unhelpfully Believed, “This is awful, because I couldn’t stand being cheated on by another woman. After all, I shouldn’t be gaslit by this person who says she loves me.” Bear in mind that I knew of and practiced REBT at the time.

However, my cognitive abilities were neither logical nor reasonable in my barely conscious state. Ergo, with an unhelpful attitude about the undesirable situation, I self-disturbed into a fearful disposition during which my body felt particularly light and uncomfortable (Consequence).

My awfulizing and demandingness narratives (respectively, “this is awful” and “I shouldn’t be gaslight”) led to sorrow and anger. Nevertheless, it was an LFT belief that caused the more significant emotion of fear. It’s as though I convinced myself that I couldn’t survive the ordeal.

Was it the case, as expressed by Seduction, that “one mistake” is all it took to “break my heart”? Was I doomed to perish if I found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me? Of course not!

Remember what my most disturbing belief was, “I couldn’t stand being cheated on by another woman,” which indicated that I’d previously been in romantic relationships regarding which I’d been cheated on. I survived those, and I could stand it if such a matter happened again.

This is what I concluded when Disputing my self-disturbing assumption so that I could achieve a more Effective new belief while lying in bed. Thus, I used high frustration tolerance (HFT). Whereas LFT states that one can’t stand something, HFT expresses that one can stand the event.

“Besides,” I reasoned when helpfully disputing, “situations don’t cause me to feel any way at all. It’s my beliefs which make me feel this way.” Thus, one mistake – or even many – couldn’t possibly have broken DeLeón’s heart (or yours for that matter).

Understanding this lesson in childhood was unlikely. Yet, now I get it. Do you? If you’d like to know more about how REBT can help you un-disturb yourself – even when barely awake and hearing your loved one utter someone else’s name – then I look forward to hearing from you.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost EDM-influenced REBT psychotherapist—promoting content related to EDM, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters. 

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, fair use

References:

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Seduction – Topic. (2018, July 31). One Mistake [Video]. YouTube. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/yppMOTsb4is?si=PoE16W4Kf-v92on4

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Wikipedia. (n.d.). Seduction (group). Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seduction_(group)