When speaking with a friend yesterday, I was reminded of an obituary—a notice of a person’s death, usually with a short biographical account. In particular, I discussed with my friend how I once self-disturbed in association with the death of a loved one, in regard to his obituary.
In order to understand what I mean, it may be useful to familiarize you with two topics: (1) my relation (or biological lack thereof) to the deceased and (2) Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT)—a psychotherapeutic modality deigned to help people un-disturb themselves.
Shortly before the beginning of my sophomore year of high school, a white family with whom I attended church services since eighth grade asked if I wanted them to take me from the children’s home in which I was a resident and to live with them under legal guardianship status.
I was hesitant, because at the time I was in love with their daughter who was one year younger than me. I didn’t view her as a sister and I was cautious about how experiencing an unrequited love event would impact me. Still, against my better judgment, I agreed to the living situation.
The in-home family structure was comprised of a parental unit that had been longtime intimate partners, having married around the time that they were in college. Their youngest daughter, perhaps my first “true love,” had her own room next to her parent’s room.
I stayed in her adult-aged brother’s old room next to her room. For the sake of this blogpost, I’ll refer to the family’s son as “DJ.” DJ was the middle child, as his older sister also lived outside of the home and had begun her own family.
DJ was unlike many of the other family members, in that I don’t recall him subscribing to religious dogma – at least he wasn’t as overtly devout as others within the familial unit seemed to be. Perhaps he was somewhat of a silent or reserved believer.
Yet, I wouldn’t refer to him as a black sheep—a member of a family or group regarded as not so respectable or successful as the rest. Rather, I fit that role. Not only was I biracial (black and white) and non-biologically related, I may or may not have been involved with criminal activities.
Nevertheless, DJ didn’t treat me as though I didn’t belong or as though I was a member of the out-group. From my recollection, he always made an effort to recognize me during our visits and he displayed a welcoming attitude, which can’t be stated about some of his other relatives.
While in high school, I remember DJ taking me to the city in which he attended college so that we could sit in a local mall and engage in people-watching—observing people and their interactions in public. We laughed quite a bit when sharing concocted stories about those whom we observed.
During out-of-state camping trips and skiing expeditions, DJ and I shared inside jokes with one another and I relished those moments of somewhat scandalous humor. Additionally, I don’t recall DJ ever shaming me for having been kicked out of the Marine Corps.
I got the impression that DJ understood the Judeo-Christian doctrine of humans in a fallen state, which is referred to in REBT as human fallibility, as he experienced his own self-disturbed outcomes which weren’t viewed nonjudgmentally by members of our religious faith.
For instance, I began watching South Park when stationed in Okinawa, Japan as it first aired in 1997. After the military, I learned that DJ was also a fan of the animated sitcom. From time to time, he’d invite me over to his apartment so we could watch episodes as they were broadcast.
Of course, we kept this matter a secret, because the family with which we were both associated expressed disdain for the show. All the same, DJ and I laughed a lot at various South Park scenes. These are the pleasant memories I retain of the brother with whom I didn’t share DNA.
As the inescapable and unavoidable experience of death is something that all humans will eventually share, DJ passed away in 2004. I’ll spare you illogical and unreasonable commentary about how he was supposedly “gone before his time” in his 30s, because none of us has a guaranteed expiration date which ends in old age.
For his obituary, various family members and their relationship statuses were included, as were DJ’s enjoyed activities. Even his pets were included in the notice of death. However, one person who was excluded from the obituary: yours truly. (Maybe it had something to do with my black wool.)
Although I’d come to know and love DJ, even having been invited to speak at his wake (funeral reception), (a) person(s) within the family made the conscious decision not to include me in the obituary. About this matter, I self-disturbed. Now, I’ll address REBT and how to un-disturb oneself.
REBT theory maintains that when an unexpected Action occurs and a person uses an irrational Belief about the situation, it’s one’s unhelpful attitude and not the undesirable circumstance that causes unpleasant cognitive, emotive, sensational, and behavioral effects as Consequences.
From a psychological standpoint, people disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.
For instance, when DJ’s vital functions stopped (Action), he died (Consequence). I was in the hospital room when the family made the decision to take DJ off of life support and I watched him die. From an A-C perspective, assisted vital support termination resulted in his death.
Alternatively, when I wasn’t included in DJ’s obituary (Action), I Believed, “I should’ve been included and it’s awful that I wasn’t. I can’t stand not being recognized as an actual family member, so I guess I’m worthless.” This Belief then caused sorrow (Consequence).
Rather than remaining self-disturbed from a B-C connection, I could’ve tried Disputation which may’ve led to an Effective new belief that could’ve been used in place of my unhelpful Belief. With the ABC model, a person learns to stop needless suffering which is caused by unhelpful assumptions.
Yet, I knew nothing about REBT in 2004. Taking DJ’s obituary into account when the family that invited me into their home in high school and who kicked me out during my senior year later turned their backs on me after my divorce in 2006, I remained self-disturbed for years thereafter.
Retrospectively, I could’ve used the REBT technique of unconditional acceptance to relieve suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance, unconditional other-acceptance, and unconditional life-acceptance. However, I suffered due to a B-C connection.
Interestingly, I didn’t agonize about DJ’s death. Since before having entered elementary school, I was taught that everyone would eventually die so death was as normal a process as living was to me. I remain grateful for the un-disturbing lesson on death which was bestowed upon me as a child.
Admittedly, I used a bit of histrionics during DJ’s wake, because I didn’t want to be considered abnormal for not displaying a sorrowful disposition. In actuality, I was relieved to know that DJ would no longer suffer the hardship of living. In this way, death is viewed as a welcome escape.
When reflecting upon this matter, I’m reminded of one of my favorite albums from high school. In 1995, southern hip hop group Goodie Mob released their debut album Soul Food. In my opinion, it’s their finest anthology and I cherish it greatly.
In any case, the album included the track “I Didn’t Ask to Come,” which is a song that addresses the topic of death. When reminiscing about DJ’s life and death, I consider CeeLo’s verse in which he states:
As he laid in his final resting place
He had such a peaceful expression on his face
My vision’s blurry from crying
But it ain’t hard to see that
At any given time it could’a been me
It’s about 90 degrees outside
But yet it felt like I’m froze
The ceremonies come to a close
I toss a rose, but just can’t seem to walk away yet
Damn, I done fucked around and got upset
But it ain’t nothing we can do
It’s bigger than me and you
One day, our time coming, too
Ain’t no use in being sad
Leaving here was probably the best gift he ever had
We should be glad
Maybe his life was something
That he had to give to show me
That I need to be responsible about how I live
I won’t complain about my pain
But I just ain’t gone let my niggas die in vain
So, Bean, I’m gone make it for you
The cycle that these young black men keep goin’ through
I’m gone break it for you
And start takin’ care of me
And me consist of all my friends and my family
From now on, until I’m gone…
There was no rational reason to self-disturb about DJ’s obituary any more than there was a logical and reasonable excuse to upset myself about his passing. In both instances, what I believed about the events made a significant difference.
I maintained that death was merely a part of the life cycle and there wasn’t any use in bemoaning this fact. However, I self-disturbed about those who remained alive – the people who I considered family and who apparently never really thought of me as a familial member.
CeeLo ostensibly realized how unhelpful it was to self-disturb (i.e., “I done fucked around and got upset”), concluding that he’d break a cycle of despair and tend to his interests and goals (i.e., “start takin’ care of me – and me consist[s] of all my friends and my family”).
So, too, was the case for me when I finally concluded that disturbing myself with unfavorable beliefs didn’t serve me well. I loved the family who took me in and although it wasn’t a perfect experience to have endured life and death with them, existence itself is a faulty experience.
I accept this fact without unhelpful conditions. Therefore, herein, I’ve written DJ’s obituary from my perspective. Having discussed much of this detail yesterday with a friend, I experience satisfaction rather than sorrow by believing that DJ’s life was a gift, à la CeeLo’s verse.
Perhaps you’ve lost someone who was meaningful to you, as well. Would you rather experience joy than sorrow when reflecting upon that person’s memory? If so, REBT may be of some use to you. If you’d like to know more about this helpful modality, I look forward to hearing from you.
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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