When I was stationed aboard Camp Kinser in Okinawa, Japan between 1997 and 1999, military police (MP) personnel were housed on the second floor of the Provost Marshal Office (police station). From time to time, MPs ordered pizza from a local pizzeria named Anthony’s Pizza.
Generally, young MPs didn’t regulate their spending habits very well and I was no exception to this anecdotal fact. In particular, I overspent on music, electronics, and other elements of entertainment. Therefore, I sometimes didn’t have money for luxury purchases like pizza.
Unfortunately for my fellow MPs who lived down the hall from me, I tended to bother them when I spelled the aroma of Anthony’s Pizza emanating from their rooms. “Hey, devil dog,” I’d say when using an affectionate term for Marines, “lemme [let me] get a slice,” I demanded.
Understandably, my behavior was considered displeasing by some of my colleagues. After all, most of the MPs in the Kinser barracks were subject to the same pay scale. If I’d spent my money on other items and had no funds for pizza, then that was an iss-ME, not an iss-YOU.
That’s a term that I learned from my dad which pertains to an issue of one’s own concern and not a problem for others to resolve. Thus, my issue (iss-ME) wasn’t of concern to other MPs (iss-YOU).
At times, my peers self-disturbed with their beliefs about my unwanted behavior when I begged in such a self-entitled manner. Likewise, I upset myself with assumptions about their undesired responses when I was told things like, “Go fuck yourself!”
Back then, I didn’t know about Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). In particular, I knew nothing of the ABC model which is used to illustrate the process of self-disturbance. Are you familiar with this helpful tool?
REBT theory maintains that when an unexpected Action occurs and a person uses an irrational Belief about the situation, it’s one’s unhelpful attitude and not the undesirable circumstance that causes unpleasant emotional, bodily sensation, and behavioral Consequences.
In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. Using two scenarios, I’ll provide an example of each belief.
First, I showed up uninvited to an MP’s room and requested pizza (Action). My fellow Marine likely Believed, “Hollings shouldn’t bother me [demandingness] and I can’t stand when he does this [low frustration tolerance]!” This attitude then caused annoyance or anger (Consequence).
In REBT, the Belief-Consequence connection serves as a causal link for psychological, physiological, and behavioral self-disturbance. Noteworthy, a single event with slight alterations of the Action may generate different effects concerning the various people involved.
Second, when being told to go fuck myself (Action) I Believed, “It’s horrible [awfulizing] being rejected and my fellow MPs are shitty people for not giving me a slice of pizza [global evaluation]!” This mental outlook then caused frustration or anger (Consequence).
Rather than remaining self-disturbed, REBT invites people to try Disputation which may lead to an Effective new belief that’s used in place of an unproductive self-narrative. With the ABC model, a person learns to stop needless suffering which is caused by unhelpful assumptions.
As I’ve only imagined what other MPs thought about my behavior while not actually knowing what they assumed, allow me to instead briefly challenge what it was that I told myself when my unwarranted demand for pizza was rejected. Disputation of this sort can be quite helpful.
Why should, must, or ought to other MPs acquiesce when I unproductively demand pizza from them? Besides, where is it written that other people owe me anything? Simply being within the same military branch couldn’t possibly justify such an absurd belief, could it? If so, why?
And what’s this matter of being denied a demand as relating to a “horrible” event? Perhaps it would be horrible to have been tossed from the second floor and onto my head by fellow MPs. Though even at that, there’s a case to be made about it being inconvenient and not “horrible.”
Further, from where does my authority stem that I may commit the unhelpful practice of other-downing by labeling colleagues as “shitty people?” Were they “shitty” the last three times that they generously gave me a slice of pizza, or is it merely this instance that renders them “shitty?”
Could it be that maybe I’m unproductively using generalization regarding the very MPs to whom I trust my life when patrolling the base? Are they “shitty” when they back me up during emergency calls, or is it possible that they’re only “shitty” when I don’t get what I want now?
Speaking of things being “shitty,” could it be that the bullshit you’re telling yourself isn’t helpful? Nobody owes you shit! Perhaps keeping that in mind, instead of disturbing yourself with unfavorable beliefs, is worth your time. Now, save your money and buy your own damn pizza!
When further contemplating this matter, I’m reminded of something that lyricist Del the Funky Homosapien said on the track “Keep Walkin On” which was produced by Khrysis. The lyricist stated on the chorus:
Nobody owes you shit; you gotta work for it
Do it for yourself, not what you think you can get out of it
Don’t start blamin’ me
When it’s within your capacity to change the street
When Del states that “nobody owes you shit,” he’s presumably disputing unhelpful beliefs about self-entitlement. For instance, I maintained that simply because I was an MP I was somehow entitled to free Anthony’s Pizza which was funded by my fellow MPs. I was lying to myself.
Additionally, when the lyricist says that “you gotta work for it,” he’s ostensibly using a helpful recommendatory should belief. Unlike an unhelpful absolutistic should belief (i.e., people should give me pizza), Del’s narrative serves as a flexible form of self-help promotion.
Furthermore, Del advises that other people recommendatorily shouldn’t “start blamin’” him for their shortcomings. This helpful expression coincides with an REBT stance on not blaming other people for one’s own unpleasant Consequences of irrational Beliefs.
Perhaps the one minor quibble I maintain with the lyricist’s perspective is the notion that people have the “capacity to change” matters within the world. Sometimes, in relatively limited circumstances, this is true.
However, when using psychoeducation about REBT, I invite people to consider that they can only control or change themselves. We may be able to influence others, yet it’s often the case that self-determined and autonomous people will simply do as they please.
In most cases, you can only control yourself. Of course, there are exceptions to this assertion. For instance, in “Keep Walkin On,” Del states, “Nobody[‘s] holdin’ you back, unless they[‘re] holdin’ you back literally, not figuratively.”
If people are literally holding you back, as in the case of an apprehension from MPs, then you’re being controlled. Aside from extreme situations like these, exerting control over other people is a relatively rare occurrence.
Therefore, taking personal responsibility and accountability for the one individual over whom you actually have control (you and truly only you) may be more helpful than unproductively believing that people owe you anything. What do you think about this empowering message?
If you frustrate yourself with unfavorable beliefs about what I’ve stated herein, searching for counter-examples (e.g., the company for which I work owes me when I perform duties pertaining to my job), then I suggest that you’ve missed the point of this blogpost.
I’m not intending to make an absolute statement when suggesting that virtually “nobody owes you shit.” Keep in mind the specific examples I’ve used herein. Taking personal ownership for your reaction to situations and refraining from self-disturbance is what I’m advocating.
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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Khrysis – Topic. (2021, August 19). Keep Walkin On (feat. Del Tha Funkee Homosapien) [Video]. YouTube. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/2EQOKku7Wh4?si=x_er8XSdXDFZldNF
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