Teaching other people about rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT) through my professional practice at Hollings Therapy, LLC and by way of my blog is essentially no different than how I employ techniques of this psychotherapeutic modality in my personal life.
Allow me to expand upon this matter. I recently came across an article which proposed:
Increasingly, we’re encouraged to ‘draw boundaries’ and only maintain relationships that ‘serve’ us. But a knee-jerk decision to cancel a friendship could actually harm our sense of wellbeing, rather than heal it, warns counsellor and psychotherapist Georgina Sturmer (georginasturmer.co.uk).
In my professional practice and regarding my blog, I advocate use of boundaries—subjectively healthy limits set for oneself and others as a means of achieving a desired standard of wellness. Generally speaking, these limits work in conjunction with an individual’s interests and goals.
Whereas interests relate to personal desires, goals are well-defined objectives with specific measure taken to satisfy one’s interests. As mentioned in the aforementioned article, some people maintain an interest to terminate friendships and follow through with a similar goal.
When contemplating this matter using the perspective of REBT, I understand that use of the ABC model and unconditional acceptance (UA) may be perceived as a “knee-jerk decision” to some people – especially those friends who remain on the terminated end of a relationship.
Personally, knee-jerk behavior was a strategy that I employed for many years before I knew anything about REBT. Therefore, the ABC model and UA are healthier options. Regarding this matter, I stated in a blogpost entitled Peering Behind the Proverbial Curtain of Mental Health:
I think back to the times in my life when I struggled with symptoms of mental illness. One of my many nicknames is Tin Man, because I was once said not to have a heart when interacting with others.
It was an ex-girlfriend from my time in high school who named me Tin Man. When she expressed a desire to one day marry me, I terminated our intimate partner relationship in a knee-jerk fashion.
Additionally, in many other forms of relationship (i.e., friends, family members, coworkers, etc.) individuals also discovered how quickly I was to cut off or terminate bonds with people. Thus, the name Tin Man proved fitting for a number of years. For context, one source states:
Nick Chopper, the Tin Woodman, is a character in the fictional Land of Oz created by American author L. Frank Baum. He first appeared in his 1900 book The Wonderful Wizard of Oz and reappeared in many other subsequent Oz books in the series. In late 19th-century America, men made out of various tin pieces were used in advertising and political cartoons […] In the classic 1939 film The Wizard of Oz, the Tin Man was played by actor Jack Haley […] There is no explanation in the film of how the Tin Man became the Tin Man. It is subtly implied that he was always made of tin; the only reference to the tinsmith is the Tin Man’s remark “The tinsmith forgot to give me a heart.”
From childhood, I was fascinated with the Tin Man and in adolescence I took pride in being compared to the character when receiving a nickname that referenced my supposed lack of a heart. Of course, admitting this shows my profound lack of understanding from that period in my life.
I’m not ashamed of exposing my ignorance, as doing so remains in alignment with the REBT technique of shame attacking. In The Wizard of Oz, the Tin Man receives token representation of a heart in the form of a small timepiece encased in a heart-shaped trinket.
Bestowing the item to the rusty tin character, the Wizard states, “Remember, my sentimental friend, that a heart is not judged by how much you love but by how much you are loved by others.” It took much later in life for me to understand the Wizard’s words.
After discovering the ABC model and UA, I received a Tin Man tattoo over my heart. Understanding the value of ignorance from my youth that was transformed into wisdom in the later years of my life, I wanted to remember the importance of loving and being loved.
This brings me back to focus on the aforementioned article. No longer do I make knee-jerk decisions when deciding to establish and reinforce healthy boundaries in my life. These days, I afford those closest to me plenty of opportunity to resolve our differences before walking away.
Nevertheless, I remain acutely aware of the impermanence and uncertainty of life. This is why those within my close circle are familiar with my saying, “I don’t collect people.” As such, routine practice of UA allows me not to unhealthily attach to unnecessary relationships.
After all, everyone has a limited amount of time in life. Thus, wasting time on bonds such as friendships whereupon I’m typically the main individual holding together a relationship isn’t in my interests or goals.
Rather than knee-jerking away from people, as I used to, I now afford people a reasonable opportunity to mend bonds before deciding to terminate relationships. All the same, I don’t collect people and I don’t have time for relationships which are counterproductive.
When further contemplating this matter, I’m reminded of rapper Kevin Gates’ debut album Islah (2016). In particular, the track “Time for That” comes to mind. On the hook, Gates sings:
Do you think I’ll ever need you, love, more than you need me?
Show me your true colors, girl, I just want to see
‘Cause I done had too many come around and change on me
She screamin’, “Please don’t waste my time!”
I say, “I totally agree.”
See, girl, I’m fine with that
I done gave my watches away, ain’t got no time for that
Askin’ where’s my heart, good luck findin’ that
How long could I see her ‘round, think I’m still timin’ that
Think I’m still timin’ that
The rapper’s hook reflects my past and present perspective. Regarding adolescence and early adulthood, I didn’t have an answer concerning where my heart was. “Good luck findin’ that!”
Then, as I matured through dedicated practice of REBT, I focused on the importance of loving and being loved. Still, I understood that not every relationship is necessary.
For instance, collecting friends for the false perception of value – when many of those individuals would likely disappear if I weren’t initiating contact with them – wasn’t in my interests and goals. Therefore, I gave away my proverbial watches, “Ain’t got no time for that!”
Personally, this is a preferred approach to rational living. Perhaps others will disagree. In fact, it isn’t uncommon for fellow mental, emotional, and behavioral health clinicians to shame people for not clinging to relationships which ostensibly don’t serve clients well at all.
I have no time for that method of living. How about you? If you’re dealing with the unpleasant consequences of your irrational beliefs regarding an activating event such as a dead-end friendship, I may be able to help you give away your proverbial watches without becoming the Tin Man.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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