In a blogpost entitled 2-Nice, I detailed how my gang-related friends from high school bestowed upon me the nickname “2-Nice” by stating:
I’d provide rides to various locations, hold contraband for them, and I was prepared to shed blood for each of my carnales. Ultimately, I was fulfilling the duties I thought encompassed what it meant to be a nice friend and a good guy.
However, it wasn’t until later in adulthood when I realized that being a nice guy wasn’t the compliment I once thought it was. Expounding upon this matter, one source states:
A nice guy is either one of two types:
The first being a guy who is genuinely kind and caring. He is polite to everyone regardless of sex, age or race. He has no ulterior motive, i.e. he is not nice to get a reward, he behaves as such because it’s human decency.
The second kind of nice guy is the one who has ulterior motives. He believes that because he behaves in a certain way the world owes him for his actions. He doesn’t make it clear what he desires from the beginning and becomes angry when he doesn’t get what he wants.
If asked about which of the two binary types applied when given my nickname, I would’ve endorsed the former. Of course, those who bestowed upon me the epithet would’ve been better suited to clarify this matter. In any case, one source expands upon the description thusly:
Nice guys establish the core of their life around restraint because they have internalized the concepts that emotionally imposing on anyone in any way whatsoever is completely unacceptable and that male sexuality is evil. Every action is calculated as to apply the most potently inoffensive character to communication with other people.
The nice guy powers through year after year with this doormat mentality, increasing in bitterness all the time. Soon, the restraint starts to become a form of prostration. It doesn’t feel like he is making a true effort to express his interest without restraint (a form of submission), when in actuality, the goal for a healthy relationship (social or sexual) between two people involves releasing some restraints - an equal playing field.
After years (possibly a decade or more) of diligent restraint, which goes either unnoticed by other people or misinterpreted as social dysfunction, the nice guy comes to the conclusion that nobody actually wants someone who is “nice.” At this point, their definition of “nice” is “completely misrepresenting my basic character to remain inoffensive” because this is the only form of intimacy they know.
They begin to interpret everyone else’s actions through this lens - everyone in a healthy relationship must have misrepresented themselves more efficiently than the nice guy in order to get there, or simply had the relationship thrust upon them with no effort whatsoever (side note - this is where the reformed “nice guy” pickup artist assholes come from). The nice guy is now also emotionally damaged, so that his repressed traits which do shine through are awash with bitterness and cynicism.
It’s fucked up.
When I eventually realized that by trying to be a genuinely good or nice guy could be misperceived as the sort of person who schemed with an ulterior motive, I self-disturbed by use of irrational beliefs. With my belief-consequence (B-C) connection, I became bitter and cynical.
I then got rid of any items which were inscribed with the moniker ascribed to me. As the latter source describes, it was pretty “fucked up” that I allowed my unfavorable beliefs about a nickname to have caused unproductive behavior whereby I dissociated with the name “2-Nice.”
When contemplating this matter further, I’m reminded of the song “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by historic hip hop duo Gang Starr and which was featured on their debut album No More Mr. Nice Guy (1989). On the track, the late lyricist Guru stated in the first verse:
Punks will always scheme to create a means
To take my kindness for weakness, ‘cause they don’t seem to
Respect my generosity and what it’s costin’ me
Is headaches, I don’t like fakes or people bossin’ me around
You clown, it’s time I beat you down
You tried to play me, betray me, and slay me, and now you’ll drown
In the river, I’ll give ya reasons you should shiver
‘Cause when I get to wreckin’ and deckin’, I won't forgive ya
You had the opportunity for bein’ cool with me
You stabbed me in the back, you duck, and now you’re soon to be
Disarmed, embalmed, I’ll break off all your arms
And then your legs, you’ll beg, I’ll crack you like an egg
And spill your yolk, you joke, I’ll duff you in the eye
And you’ll say, “Why?” And bleeding and pleading, you’ll start to cry
And I’ll reply with a confident sigh, “There’ll be no more Mr. Nice Guy”
When Gang Starr’s old school album was released, I was too young to understand the B-C connection and how it causes self-upset. In fact, in 1989, I didn’t even know about the psychotherapeutic modality that formed the basis of a self-disturbance concept.
Years later, I learned of rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT) and effectively processed my unaccommodating beliefs about being a nice guy. Rather than a “no more Mr. Nice Guy” stance, I unconditionally accepted that I was who I was and couldn’t control how others perceived me.
Earlier this morning, when performing aerobic exercise, I listened to rapper Daniel Son’s track “Fall Breeze,” that was produced by Finn, in which the rapper states, “No more Mr. Nice Guy, everything mean. ‘Cause I heard they takin’ kindness for weakness now.”
As a side note, in a blogpost entitled Self-Focus I highlighted lyricist Guilty Simpson’s track “So True,” produced by Dixon Hill and which sampled a variation of lyrics from The Vanguards’ song “Somebody Please.” “Fall Breeze” samples from “Somebody Please,” as well.
Respect to The Vanguards! Yet, I digress. When listening to Daniel Son’s quoted lyrics, I thought about how I once used an either-or perspective. I was either going to be nice or mean. However, this dichotomous framework wasn’t entirely helpful.
Since being a good or nice guy suited my interests and goals, and given that I later realized that some people perceived nice guys as devious actors, I was left with only one other option. An antonym of “nice” is “mean.” Yet, this imbalanced consideration wasn’t a feasible option.
To better understand what I mean, it’s worth noting what I stated in a blogpost entitled Hulk:
Although I was nicknamed “2-Nice” by my gang-related friends, a member of another gang set once stated to me something like, “You’re fucking crazier than any of us! I’m gonna call you ‘Suicide-Psycho,’ ‘cause you’re fucking crazy, ese!”
In Jungian fashion, I’ve been familiar with my shadow from a young age. Regarding this matter, I stated in a blogpost No Time for That, “It was an ex-girlfriend from my time in high school who named me Tin Man.” Long ago, I was called “heartless” and “crazy” by people close to me.
Long since that time, I’ve unconditionally accepted myself as a fallible human being. I’m not good or bad, nice or mean, or so on and so forth. I’m merely an imperfect being who remains capable of behaving in good, bad, nice, mean, and other ways.
Given this logical and reasonable perspective, a “no more Mr. Nice Guy” stance is an inadequate one. Although those who’ve known me as “2-Nice” continue to refer to me by the moniker and I accept the nickname without unhelpful conditions, I recognize that I’m not a nice guy.
If, as Daniel Son suggests, people misperceive “kindness for weakness,” then my nice behavior may be perceived as a frail disposition. So be it. Likewise, if people mistake my flawed behavior of unkindness as that akin to strength, then I’m not going to self-disturb about the matter.
All I am is a fallible human being who continually tries to improve upon who, what, and how he is and behaves. At the end of the day, isn’t that why you’ve taken time to read this post, as well, so that you can enhance your life? If so, and you’d like help with that aim, I’m here to assist.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
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