In elementary school, my mom drove me and my sisters past the administrative office of a local children’s home and threatened to relinquish custody of us. Almost as though doing so gave her pleasure, as we’d cry and beg to stay with her, my mom would simply continue driving.
This behavior continued on and off until I was sent to live with my dad halfway through my fifth grade year. Then, halfway through seventh grade, my mom demanded that I return to live with her. From Amarillo, Texas to Aurora, Colorado, and back to Amarillo, I traveled.
When I was living with my dad, my mom learned a new strategy to elicit unhealthy negative emotions which were – as I’d find out much later in life – linked to my beliefs and not her behavior. I’ll touch on this finer point in a bit.
Along with driving past the children’s home office, my mom discovered that when commanded to do so by her, I’d exit the car in an unfamiliar part of town while she sped away from the scene. Oh, the places I’d been by the time I was in junior high school!
Eventually, my mom took me and one of my sisters to the children’s home for good. This decision was made after I witnessed a traumatic experience involving my mom and one of my sisters. Apparently, threatening to kill my mom for abusing my sister was a step too far.
Disallowed from returning to the care of my dad, my mom was able to maintain some level of influence over her children by infrequently visiting us along with her boyfriend who was a member of an outlaw motorcycle club. I didn’t look forward to her visits. Oh, the places she could go!
By the time I received my driver license in high school, a family with whom I attended church services took me into their home. They were kind enough to purchase a car for me, a red Ford Escort GT with an aftermarket head unit and 5”x7” speakers.
I drove all over town, playing music as loud as my rinky-dink car stereo could handle. To stunt on my old lifestyle, I posed for a photo in a parking lot of the children’s home administrative office. How far I’d come by that point in life!
During that time, one of my favorite hip hop groups was Naughty by Nature and their second album, Naughty by Nature (1991), had only a couple of tracks which I didn’t favor. One of my most adored songs on the album was “Uptown Anthem,” also featured on the Juice soundtrack.
On the song, lyricist Treach states, “You can run, but you can’t hide. You can’t go far. No matter where you go, there you are.” That line stuck with me.
I contemplated all the places that I’d been in life. No matter where I went, from Aurora to a children’s home in Amarillo, I couldn’t escape the memory of the problems I endured. This brings me to the foreshadowed concept of unhealthy negative emotions correlated with beliefs.
It wasn’t until adulthood that I learned about Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) and the unhelpful process of self-disturbance. Are you familiar with how you upset yourself when using unfavorable beliefs?
REBT theory maintains that when an unexpected Actions occur and a person uses an irrational Belief about the situation, it’s one’s unhelpful attitude and not the undesirable circumstance that causes unpleasant emotional, bodily sensation, and behavioral Consequences.
For instance, when frequently traveling from place to place as a child (Action), I unaccommodatingly Believed, “I can’t stand having so many problems, because I should have more stability in life, and I hate to move.” Still, going places provided a temporary form of escape.
However, I went from place to place, because of the many problems I experienced. Exposure to unpleasant events was difficult, though my unfavorable Belief was what created undesirable Consequences, such as fear, anger, sorrow, and disgust.
Rather than remaining self-disturbed, people who use REBT are invited to try Disputation which may lead to an Effective new belief that’s used in place of an unproductive self-narrative. With the ABC model, a person learns to stop needless suffering which is caused by unhelpful assumptions.
Without knowledge of REBT in my youth, I simply relied on hip hop artists to provide helpful adages which could aid in my ability to tolerate and accept the difficult events which I experienced. The track “Uptown Anthem” assisted me in this way.
According to one source, the phrase “no matter where you go, there you are” was first featured in a 1955 Pennsylvania State University periodical, though a 1400s precursor states, “You cannot escape it, run where you will; for wherever you go, you take yourself with you, and you will always find yourself.”
Regardless of its origin, I’ve found lifelong value in the adage that I first recall hearing from Treach. Now that I professionally practice REBT, I’ve incorporated this wisdom into a psychoeducational lesson regarding avoidance of problems and self-disturbance.
The many undesirable Actions which I experienced as a child didn’t cause unpleasant Consequences, because I self-disturbed through use of unfavorable Beliefs about such events. Given this understanding, my mom could never have caused unhealthy negative emotions.
And while it may seem as though avoiding matters by moving from here to there and virtually everywhere is beneficial when seeking to ease suffering, it’s actually true that no matter where you go, there you are. Thus, facing your problems head-on may be more useful in the long run.
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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