Have you ever read a passage in a book and thought to yourself, “It’s as though the author is speaking about me”? Even if not describing you in your current state of being, has it ever seemed as though your past was illustrated by an author who never knew you? If so, you aren’t alone.
This was my experience when reading a portion of Creative Marriage, coauthored by the late psychologist Albert Ellis who developed rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT). Thankfully, I didn’t self-disturb through use of irrational beliefs about the matter.
When describing a female client who received psychotherapeutic assistance, the authors state (page 82):
She lacked basic self-liking and self-esteem. She felt insecure in her relations with others because she was overly concerned about their accepting and loving her, and therefore could not feel secure within herself. Her method for dealing with her feelings of insecurity was to “knit a net” of kind services around the man she was unconsciously always fearful she would lose.
The authors of Creative Marriage accurately portrayed my former self when discussing their female client. Although I’m not well-versed in attachment theory, I suspect that my past attachment style was one relating to an anxious variant which one source describes as:
A partner with an anxious attachment style may be seen as “clingy,” “needy” or not trusting. People with an anxious attachment style can be consumed with concern that their loved ones will abandon them, and they may seek constant reassurance that they’re safe in their relationship.
Unbeknownst to me when in intimate partner relationships, I once continually sought reassurance from my partners. Genuinely attempting to secure relationships from potential ruin, I’d knit nets of kind services around the females to whom I was romantically attracted.
I was the guy who showed up to a date with flowers, walked my girlfriends to the door to ensure their safety, lavished women in gifts, and spent a considerable amount of time discussing any issue that would perceivably lead to conflict. To me, security of the relationship was paramount.
Looking back, I’ve no shame in how I acted. While I understand how unproductive my behavior likely was, I’m not self-disturbed about a past that I can’t currently change. Regarding growth from my former behavior, I stated in a blogpost entitled Dating, Like, Whatever:
Now, long since the days of what I jokingly refer to with my friend “Blanca” as “sucka shit,” I no longer romance women. Having gone my own way, I adaptively and unconditionally accept what is without nonsensically demanding that things ought to be any other way.
My decision to discontinue intimate partner relationships was based on a rational decision and not the result of self-disturbed beliefs. Because I’m not in the habit of giving advice, I don’t recommend the path I’ve chosen to others [which may seem self-contradictory].
Given my past experience when in romantic relationships, I can currently better understand what the authors of Creative Marriage mean when they state that “each husband would himself feel smothered, strangled by the net of his wife’s devotion” (page 82).
Apparently, the female client was on her third marriage by the time she sought mental, emotional, and behavioral health services with the authors. Her suffocating net of devotion appeared not to well-serve her interests and goals.
The authors continue, “Feeling increased insecurity, she would sacrifice her own desires still further, knit an even tighter net of service and devotion to the current husband, and set the stage for his fighting free of the net by the best method he could find” (page 82).
Have you ever woven a net of service and devotion in such a manner? Perhaps you’ve been the individual who was inadvertently snared in the mesh of insecurity created by an intimate partner. If either of these scenarios represents your experience, how did you deal with the matter?
Were you even aware that you were the trapper or the one being trapped? Describing the female client and her partners, the authors propose that sentience occurs on an “unconscious level—that is to say, they all knew that something unpleasant was happening, but could not put the finger of clear awareness on just what was happening to themselves and their mate” (page 82).
Speaking with a number of my ex-girlfriends relatively long after our intimate partner relationships dissolved, I was privy to a recurring theme. Most of them were aware that something was off with our bonds, though none of the involved parties knew precisely what was occurring.
One of my exes said something to the effect of, “I woke up one day, looked in mirror, and didn’t recognize myself when I was with you.” She went on to suggest that had I been honest with myself, I also wouldn’t have bene able to distinguish who I was from the beginning to the end of our bond.
Discussing what may be done when one becomes aware of self-woven nets of devotion, the authors state that the female client was assisted by mainly “helping her to think, feel, and act in essentially opposite ways from her familiar self-defeating patterns” (page 83).
I described a similar approach to wellness in a blog entry entitled Acting As If by stating:
[T]he acting as if concept, when put into practice, allows a person to mentally reverse engineer a desired outcome. You imagine what an improved version of yourself or a healthier behavior looks like and work backward to trace the steps of how you arrived at the desired goal.
For a more clinical description of how the female client’s self-defeating behavior was addressed, the authors state (page 83):
Her deep and twisted patterns of self-sacrifice were ruthlessly exposed to her and tracked down to the irrational ideas of martyrdom which she had learned with her parents and kept re-indoctrinating herself with ever since. She was re-propagandized, by the therapist and by her newly encouraged activities, with stiff antidotes of self-expression, ego-assertion, and individuality, to rid her system of the poisons of phony self-abnegation.
Regarding the female client, psychotherapeutic techniques were used to address her issues. Personally, going my own way was a preferred method toward rational living. What route might you favor when it comes to well-being?
There are many paths one may choose. Apparently, the authors of Creative Marriage advocate the undertaking which their female client chose. Regarding this approach to detangling a net of devotion, the authors state (page 84):
When we hear a person say, “I sacrifice myself completely for my wife (or husband) and children,” we do not think: “My, how noble!” We are more likely to think: “Poor husband (or wife) and poor children! This person needs psychotherapy.”
Although I no longer participate in romantic endeavors, I often work with clients who are actively involved with intimate partner relationships. So far, my personal lifestyle hasn’t negatively impacted the performance of my professional duties.
Additionally, because I understand how unproductive my past behavior was when using a net of devotion, I think I’m able to recognize disruptive relational patterns when I see them. If you’ve been using the proverbial net described herein, or you find yourself trapped in one, I may be able to help.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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