*All persons referenced or alluded to herein are presumed innocent until proven guilty in a court of law
Bhad Bhabie
Admittedly, I’m not a fan of the music released by Bhad Bhabie (Danielle Bregoli). In fact, without use of the Internet, I couldn’t name any of her rap songs though I’ve heard snippets of her music. Personally, other rappers and lyricists appeal to me.
As lyricist Common once stated, “If I don’t like it, I don’t like it; that don’t mean that I’m hatin’.” In any case, I recently heard about an intimate partner violence (IPV) episode in which Bregoli was purportedly the victim. According to one source:
Instagram Story posts revealed two graphic photos of Danielle’s injuries, showing a nearly swollen-shut bruised eye and deep scratches on her skin.
Danielle went on to directly address the domestic abuse allegations via her Instagram Stories, revealing that she shared the footage and images to show him [boyfriend] ‘what he does is wrong’ and to ‘take accountability’ for his actions.
She noted that she wanted him to ‘make a real change’ and that she loves him ‘more than I love myself and it’s honestly really sad,’ calling it ‘real life.’
‘He’s going to get the help he needs,’ she added, and said she didn’t share it for people to ‘attack him’, before deleting the posts soon after.
The rapper also shared a poignant quote on Instagram: ‘I used to tolerate a lot because I didn’t want to lose people, but now I realize that those people aren’t my people.’
I have no personal knowledge of Bregoli’s purported IPV experience and I offer no remarks regarding the alleged perpetrator’s culpability in the matter. Rather, I find the reported trauma experience worth discussing through the lens of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT).
REBT
REBT theory uses the ABC model to illustrate how when Activating events (“Actions”) occur and people maintain irrational Beliefs about the events, these unhelpful assumptions – and not the actual occurrences – are what create unpleasant cognitive, emotive, bodily sensation, and behavioral Consequences.
Regarding IPV, it may be difficult for some people to consider the proposal of personal responsibility and accountability (collectively “ownership”) in regard to IPV episodes. After all, unhelpful beliefs about the recipient of abuse may lead individuals to conclude that REBT values victim blaming.
According to one source, “Victim blaming occurs when the victim of a crime or any wrongful act is held entirely or partially at fault for the harm that befell them.” However, I’m not suggesting that those against whom IPV is perpetrated are entirely or partially answerable for the abuse they endure.
Rather, I maintain that an individual’s reaction to the event is the matter over which one has personal ownership and control. Thus, one’s unfavorable beliefs about IPV are what cause harm that is secondary to the initial effects of abuse (e.g., a bruised and swollen eye).
In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people use: demandingness, awfulizing, low frustration tolerance, and global evaluations. Addressing these, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unhelpful assumptions in order to explore Effective new beliefs.
From a psychological standpoint, people disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.
As an example, when an intimate partner once physically struck me in the face (Action), the area in which I was hit began to vibrate and hurt (Consequence). In the naturalistic world, A-C causality of this sort comports with the rules of physics.
Still, when I unproductively Believed, “That shouldn’t have happened to me and I can’t stand to be hit by someone who claims to love me,” then I disturbed myself into miserable condition during which I experienced causative B-C sorrow and heaviness throughout my body (Consequence).
Understand that I’m not claiming that the intimate partner who abused me was a bad, evil, or terrible person. From an REBT perspective, I recognize her as a fallible human being – as are all people, abusers and victims alike.
Importantly, blame for abuse and other undesirable matters isn’t something practiced in REBT. Instead, those who fully commit to and diligently practice this psychotherapeutic modality are afforded an opportunity to take personal ownership for responses to unfavorable events.
Given the distinction between A-C and B-C causality, I help people to stop upsetting themselves through use of B-C connections, though I can’t fully resolve their A-C connections. For instance, I couldn’t possible undue Bregoli’s purported IPV episode which is said to have already occurred.
Furthermore, REBT uses the technique of unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance, unconditional other-acceptance, and unconditional life-acceptance.
As an example, Bregoli reportedly stated that she loves the accused more so than she loves herself, apparently adding that “it’s honestly really sad” that this is likely the case. Regarding this, I posit that a B-C connection is what plausibly led to the reported sorrow.
Using my approach to REBT, I’m not interested in promoting self-love or even self-esteem. Regarding this matter, one source elucidates:
Social scientists have been struggling for years to measure self-esteem. It turns out to be a rather elusive concept. In some measures, people high in narcissism, an immature form of self-love that essentially does not allow for the needs and feelings of others to be taken into account, score high on self-esteem.
In other measures, people who pretend to have high self-esteem while actually harboring serious self-doubt and a sense of insecurity or worthlessness may score quite high in their attempt to defend their egos from insult. When we look instead at the concept of “unconditional self-acceptance”, not only does the measurement become simpler, but the concept turns out to be highly useful in therapy.
It turns out that seeking self-esteem can be a life-long pursuit and that changes in one’s circumstances tend to lower one’s self-esteem, whereas unconditional self-acceptance (USA), once defined and achieved, is stable over time. Thus, it is my contention that pursuing unconditional self-acceptance is a heartier and more useful concept than pursuing high self-esteem.
Given my anecdotal experience with IPV, I unproductively concluded that I loved the perpetrator of abuse more than myself. Therefore, I was willing to tolerate and accept various forms of IPV power and control behavior that didn’t best serve my interests and goals.
Unhelpfully, I concluded that I must’ve tolerated abuse, because I was worthless without my intimate partner. And while she continued to behave poorly, I actually convinced myself that being in an abusive relationship was preferable to being out of one.
At least I knew the various forms of manipulation and misconduct a romantic relationship with her offered. However, I unnecessarily believed that I couldn’t stand to face the uncertainty of a life without her. As the cliché goes, better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.
Noteworthy, my former intimate partner wasn’t a devil and nor was I. On the other hand, the irrational beliefs I used constituted a demon-like presence that tortured my emotions and behavior. Thus, the devil I knew created Hell on Earth, to torture a hyperbolic descriptor.
In any case, I didn’t know of REBT at that stage in life. Now, looking back, I understand that there was no reason that I must’ve tolerated abuse. This I state as a professional REBT practitioner.
Regarding Bregoli and I, frequent use of REBT can alleviate unnecessary suffering in life – though I suspect that absolute elimination of suffering isn’t likely in this lifetime. Resolution of anguish offered by REBT relates to the B-C connection though not specifically with A-C matters.
Therefore, while an individual may be able to tolerate A-C episodes of IPV, I invite the person to contemplate whether or not tolerance of this sort is necessary. In my case, I remained with my perpetrator of abuse for a number of years. Tolerating maltreatment was undoubtedly doable.
Nevertheless, it’s worth asking if tolerance of abuse serves one’s interests and goals. If one states, “I want my partner to love me and not beat me,” all the while remaining subject to beatings, I argue that the individual and associated partner likely have misaligned interests.
If that same person expresses, “I just want to be happy,” all the while being abused, then I’d wonder about the pragmatic nature of such a goal. I suppose that through practice of denial and irrational hope, one could be abused and tolerate the effects of a B-C connection.
For instance, lying to oneself about how beatings are supposed expressions of loving sentiment, this modified belief could result in disappointment rather than anguish. However, the practice of denial isn’t something advocated in REBT theory.
Because I promote use of the ABC model, I invite people to rigorously dispute irrational beliefs with which they disturb themselves. Using this technique, the action and consequences aren’t disputed, because that would be akin to practicing denial.
As an example, if one is being abused by an intimate partner and self-disturbs about the matter while simultaneously choosing to remain in an abusive relationship, then one can productively believe, “I’m not a victim of this treatment, I’m a volunteer, because I’ve chosen to stay.”
This adaptive belief could result in disappointment with the abusive relationship which may be preferable to self-disturbed anguish. Likewise, I advocate daily practice of UA so that people may tolerate and accept undesirable activating events which frequently occur.
Regarding IPV – a displeasing event that may have significant A-C effects (e.g., death), I encourage people to consider that although they may be able to endure IPV behavior, must they tolerate abuse? The answer to this question is unique in relation to whom it’s asked.
Typically, I try not to tell people what I believe they should, must, or ought to do. After all, I’m an REBT practitioner and hypocritically demanding that people should do as I believe isn’t necessarily helpful.
Nevertheless, there have been occasions in which I’ve used recommendatory versus absolutistic shoulds with people. The former is akin to recommending the practice of self-care while the latter is similar to absolutistically demanding that that there’s no other option than to engage in self-care.
Suppose I non-self-disturbingly recommended to Bregoli that she ought to practice REBT as a means of self-help in order to reduce suffering regardless of whether or not she decides to remain in her romantic relationship. Perhaps she responds by telling me to mind my own business.
Because I unconditionally accept that my recommendation isn’t valued, I can continue on about my day with no unpleasant consequence. On the other hand, if I absolutistically and self-disturbingly demanded that Bregoli practice REBT, what might occur if she responds, “Cash [catch] me outside, how ‘bout that?”
With a violation of a demandingness belief, and having been provocatively offered to potentially experience a beating from the rapper, I’d likely upset myself into an angry or disgusted state of mind. Thus, a recommendatory versus absolutistic should narrative may better serve my interests and goals.
Nevertheless, when considering IPV situations, my interests and goals aren’t centered above the desires or needs of a victim’s. Thus, and depending on unique circumstances, I generally don’t use varying qualifiers of should statements toward or with other people.
Conclusion
Although I’m not a fan of Bregoli’s music, I’m aware of her online presence. Recently, I learned of a purported IPV episode regarding which the rapper was apparently victimized. I make no claims concerning potential guilt pertaining to this matter.
Rather, I thought it may be useful to illustrate how I approach the topic of IPV through my approach to REBT. Although I can’t alter A-C matters for people, I can help individuals to reduce self-disturbance by use of the ABC model and UA.
Perhaps you relate to Bregoli’s reported experience or to the personal anecdote expressed herein, as you may also have personal experience with IPV. Must you tolerate abuse?
If you choose to be a volunteer of maltreatment, perhaps you can conclude that tolerance is aligned with your interests and goals. Even in this event, I’ve demonstrated how to reduce self-disturbance through use of REBT.
On the other and, suppose you’ve left or have chosen to leave an abusive relationship. Committed and diligent practice of REBT may help you to alleviate unnecessary suffering in relation to IPV. If you’d like to know more, I look forward to hearing from you.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost old school hip hop REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
Photo credit (edited), fair use
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