The photo above was taken in my barracks room in 2001, when I was stationed aboard Marine Corps Air Station Miramar in San Diego, California. Shortly after that moment, I experienced significant administrative and legal problems regarding my military service.
Ultimately, I served in the Marines from 1996 to 2007, having attained the rank of sergeant (E-5) with reduction to private first class (E-2). Originally, I received a bad conduct discharge, though my service characterization was upgraded to under other than honorable (OTH) conditions.
Despite having earned honorable distinction for my first period of enlistment, the Marine Corps acknowledges only the final discharge of a member’s concurrent service. Therefore, the totality of my time in the military is deemed as less than honorable – though not dishonorable.
Although this distinction may seem somewhat convoluted to the layperson, people who’ve served in the United States military and with whom I’ve interacted generally favor a dichotomous perspective in this regard. A discharge reflects either honorable or OTH service.
Although discharge distinction covers honorable, general, OTH, bad conduct, dishonorable, medical, and administrative characterization, military personnel and veterans with whom I’ve maintained contact recognize only one of the two binary classifications. Thus, OTH is all I have.
To people with a myopic point of view, it doesn’t matter that I participated in lifesaving activities in my role as military police. They know nothing about how I climbed into the wreckage of vehicles and extracted people or how I stood in the way of suicide attempts.
These same people don’t recognize my advocacy against sex-based discrimination and anti-corruption efforts when serving as a Marine Security Guard in Lima, Peru. They remain ignorant about how I maintained a principled stance when Corps values were tested and other Marines failed the exam.
All that was perceived, not long after the above-indicated photo was taken, was that I was the Marine who lost rank and received an OTH discharge. I was a “shit bird,” according to some Marines. This pejorative term describes one who doesn’t fly straight and whose actions stink; a fuck-up.
For many years, prior to learning of rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT), I internalized an irrational belief related to this negative global evaluation. It wasn’t merely that my behavior was perceived as that of shit bird quality, I unhelpfully believed that I was a shit bird.
To appreciate this distinction, forgive my crudeness. Take a moment to reflect upon the last instance during which you took a shit. I understand this is an unconventional imaginal exercise. Work with me here. Think about the last time you defecated.
At some point, you passed stools of a soft, lumpy, hard, or other varied consistency. Perhaps the event was accompanied by smelly flatulence, a messy wiping experience, or the clogging of a toilet. Or maybe it was a relatively smooth process and devoid of unpleasant smells.
No matter the circumstances regarding the event, you likely took a shit at some point. The questions I have for you are these: Were you the active process of taking a shit? Are you your actions?
It’s one thing to defecate. It’s another matter altogether to be the shit itself. Do you disagree with my framing of this matter? Presuming you don’t irrationally (illogically and unreasonably) conclude that people are their shits; then consider the following.
I was never a shit bird, even if I behaved in a shit bird fashion. I was distinct from my behavior. From an REBT perspective, I use unconditional self-acceptance to acknowledge that I’ve always been, am currently, and will continue to be a fallible human being.
Nevertheless, I am not my mistakes—wrong actions or statements proceeding from faulty judgment, inadequate knowledge, or inattention. Simply, I acted shitty when in the Marines, though I wasn’t shitty.
When contemplating this matter, I’m reminded of the song “Mistakes” from lyricist Immortal Technique who is said to have been born in Lima, where I once served. Featuring a sample of Bob Marley and the Wailers song “I Made a Mistake,” the final verse of “Mistakes” says:
Yeah, some people learn from mistakes and don’t repeat them
Others try to block the memories and just delete them
But I keep ‘em as a reminder, they not killing me
And I thank God for teaching me humility
Son, remember when you fight to be free
To see things how they are and not how you like ‘em to be
‘Cause even when the world is falling on top of me
Pessimism is an emotion, not a philosophy
Knowing what’s wrong doesn’t imply that you[’re] right
And it’s another, when you suffer, to apply it in life
But I’m no rookie and I’m never gonna make the same mistake twice, pussy
Presuming your ability to refrain from pedantic scrutiny over the lyricist’s choice of misogynistic terms is intact, I wonder if you can appreciate his overall message. What’s your perspective of his stance regarding mistakes?
In the verse, Immortal Technique discusses truth and reality, as well as the is-ought problem posed by the late Scottish Enlightenment philosopher David Hume. Rather than optimistically moving past a mistake, as though it never existed, the lyricist faces it head-on.
He encourages the listener to “remember when you fight to be free, to see things how they are and not how you like ‘em to be.” This is an example of personal responsibility and accountably in the face of shit bird behavior. It isn’t necessarily a comfortable process – like working through constipation.
Regarding Hume’s proclamation, one objectively views a mistake as it is, though doesn’t subjectively demand that matters ought to be any other way. Truly, I fucked up in the Marine Corps (is), thought I don’t unproductively believe that things ought not to have been as they actually were.
Moreover, I don’t unfavorably rate myself according to past mistakes by using a global evaluation – unhelpfully believing that I am a fuck-up. Did I behave in a shitty manner? Yes. Am I shitty? No. Being that I acknowledge myself as a flawed individual, I can tolerate and accept my flawed behavior without damning myself.
Similarly, I understand that I cannot change an unalterable past. Therefore, I practice unconditional life-acceptance which merely concedes that matters of a historical nature are beyond my control and influence in the present.
Equally, I realize that the only thing I can actually control is my reaction to my mistakes once foolish actions have been committed. As well, I may be able to influence other people’s perceptions of my blunders, though I don’t use unhelpful conditional beliefs about their perspectives.
For instance, I don’t unfavorably conclude, “I’ll refrain from considering myself a shit bird only if others don’t believe that I am one.” If I’m unable to influence the outlook of other individuals, I can use unconditional other-acceptance to relieve psychological tension created by unhelpful beliefs.
Still, when advocating unconditional acceptance expressed herein, people with whom I practice REBT sometimes challenge this helpful practice by expressing that it seems like an excuse. “Deric, unconditional acceptance appears to be a cop-out for poor behavior,” I’m told.
What’s the alternative, to suffer one’s unproductive beliefs about the imperfect nature of life? To err is human. We all make mistakes. What justification is there for not unconditionally accepting one’s fallible nature while also learning from mistakes, as advocated by Immortal Technique?
Dissimilar to what the lyricist declared, I’ve made the same mistakes more than once. All the same, I learn from my errors and try not to duplicate such actions. This I do imperfectly and while practicing unconditional acceptance. Such is the method of rational living.
It’s been 23 years since the photo for this post was taken in a Marine barracks room aboard Miramar. Since then, I’ve made countless mistakes. All the while, I’ve learned invaluable lessons which have brought me to the point whereby I’m writing this blogpost.
There’s no guilt or shame inherent in regard to your fallible nature, unless you choose to unhelpfully allow yourself or others to influence personal beliefs about your imperfection. For me, el-Hall Malik el-Shabazz’s quote is preferable in such an instance:
To have once been a criminal is no disgrace. To remain a criminal is the disgrace. I formerly was a criminal. I formerly was in prison. I’m not ashamed of that. You can never use that over my head. And he’s using the wrong stick [regarding critics of his message]! I don’t feel that stick.
In “Mistakes” by Immortal Technique, the Bob Marley and the Wailers sample states, “Yes I did, yes I did… made a mistake, yes I did; yes I did.” I own the fact that I behaved as a shit bird while in the Corps; yes I did, yes I did. However, I’ve never been a shit bird.
Given the framing of human fallibility expressed herein, has your perception of mistakes which were made in the past been influenced toward a more helpful outlook? If not, what would it take to change your mind? If you’re waiting for perfection, you already made a mistake; yes you did, yes you did.
Of course, this doesn’t make you a shit bird. You’re merely an imperfect being. Now, what can you learn from your imperfect nature? Using an REBT perspective, you may be able to learn from your mistakes and live rationally. If you’ve like a little help in this regard, I’m here to assist.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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