Kill Them with the No

[DISCLAIMER]

When assigned to the Marine Security Guard (MSG) detachment (det) in Rio de Janeiro, Brasil (1999-2000), I infrequently served as the det DJ for various social events. Mainly, I spun hip hop and electronic dance music. However, on occasion, I’d spin other genres in my music collection.

For example, the consul general had male relatives visiting from the United States who were approximately the same age as me, and I was voluntold (ordered) to perform as a DJ to entertain the men. Perhaps disagreeable to a fault, I usually would’ve quibbled with the instruction.

After all, I advocate use of the word “no” if or when whatever is requested of an individual isn’t aligned with one’s interests and goals. This is especially relevant in regard to my approach to the practice of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), as I said in a blogpost entitled No:

Often, I find that it isn’t the act of saying “no” that leads to unpleasant consequences (i.e., emotions, bodily sensations, behavior, etc.). Rather, it’s a person’s belief about saying “no” that leads to unproductive outcomes.

Admittedly, my personal interests and goals often clashed with the mission of the Marine Corps. The matter of MSG det social functions and being voluntold to DJ was no exception to this general rule. Therefore, whether or not I wanted to, I was going to spin on that afternoon.

Favorably, I met the consul general’s relatives and their male friends, and we got along quite well. If memory serves, they were from the East Coast. Back then, reggae and dancehall music were influential in hip hop music, particularly in the area from which the visitors hailed.

Thus, I set up my DJ gear around the pool area in the backyard of the Marine house. There was a swim-up tiki bar-style portion of the pool, a large wooden deck that served as a dance floor, and a churrasco pit (Brasilian barbeque grill area) in which the det’s personal chef prepared food.

One thing I didn’t appreciate with live DJ events, as opposed to making mixes in the comfort of my room, was that there was instant feedback when people didn’t like the music that I spun. This is one reason I stopped performing live for diplomats of the consulate in which I worked.

Still, I was voluntold to entertain guests and saying “no” wasn’t an option. Thinking of this fact in the moment at the time, an idea came to me. The guests were nodding their heads to most of the tracks that I played, though no one actually stood up to dance.

Perhaps this wasn’t as odd as it sounds, because there wasn’t a single female present for the visit. Stated crudely, it was a sausage-fest! The Marine house was merely a jump-off point for what I imagined would later become a night of utter debauchery within the clubs of Rio.

Still, because I got along well with the guests, I wanted to inspire them with the music that I played. Since “no” wasn’t an option for me regarding my performance, I put on the now-classic dancehall track “Heads High” by Mr. Vegas which was released in 1998.

I copped the CD on a Columbia House promotion whereby the first 12 CDs cost only a penny. In any event, I wasn’t certain about how well the song would be received by the visitors. For context, one source states:

One of the most popular songs of the ‘90s, Shabba Ranks’ Dem Bow, had set a standard against oral sex for others to maintain, and that culture continued for a while with artistes [sic] like Mr. Vegas releasing Heads High in the late ‘90s. That song was intended to empower females against a practice which was then seen as being taboo in Jamaica.

In his song, Mr. Vegas states, “Heads high…kill them with the ‘No!’ Just make a bwoy know you nah blow.” Thus, the artist invited women to literally keep their heads high instead of bowing and nodding for oral sex, and to figuratively keep their heads high with pride.

The term “kill them” is sometimes used figuratively. For instance, saying “kill them with kindness” is an idiomatic phrase used when intending to cause discomfort to someone by treating him or her in a way that is extremely kind or helpful, though not to literally take a person’s life.

Likewise, killing someone with a “no” is used to shut down any further discussion regarding whatever is being requested, ordered, or otherwise communicated. It’s an appeal to assertiveness, not necessarily aggressiveness, and doesn’t relate to literally killing an individual.

When playing Mr. Vegas’ track for guests of the consul general, I was pleased when seeing that the visitors set aside their plates of food and began dancing on the outdoor dance floor. The rest of the afternoon visit went without a hitch and I was given praise for spinning dancehall music.

Now, I present this relatively short blogpost for your consideration. In specific, I invite you to consider figuratively killing people with the “no” if or when doing so is in your best interests. As expressed herein, saying no to people doesn’t essentially cause unpleasant outcomes for you.

Rather, a belief-consequence connection generates discomforting reactions when you unhelpfully maintain that telling people “no” is awful, that you can’t stand what others may think of you, that you’re a bad person for declining offers, or that you shouldn’t be perceived as disagreeable.

Instead of unproductively believing such nonsense, perhaps you can do as Mr. Vegas did in “Heads High” by saying, “Nana-na, nana-na, nana-na, nana-na no,” and then, “Kill them with the ‘Nooooo.” What’ve you got to lose, other than doing something you didn’t want to do in the first place?

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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