Before entering elementary school, I learned to color in-between the lines of pictures. The answer given to me for this lesson related to abiding by rules.
In kindergarten, I learned how to patiently stand in a line of students when preparing to walk throughout the school. The answer given to me for this lesson related to functioning according to the needs of a group versus to the desires of an individual.
Later in elementary school, I learned to pronounce words through the assistance of audio cassette tapes which were paired with books. The answer given to me for this lesson pertained to proper enunciation of words.
In fifth grade, I learned that boys were disallowed from attending an all-girl event held in the auditorium of our school. The answer given to me for this lesson had to do with the subject of menstruation which girls were beginning to experience.
These and other lessons from my youth were overtly taught to children so that we could understand the expectations of living as well-functioning members of society. However, at no point in my recollection of that timeframe was I taught how to behave in marriage.
In fact, my experience with junior high and high school education left me ill-equipped for expectations of intimate partner relationships. Rather, I learned subjective narratives about historical events, useless mathematical formulas, and how to ask for a cup of water in Spanish.
What instruction I did receive concerning romantic relationships was presented from radically different sources of information. As an example, my divorced mom taught me that no one would ever love me. Therefore, it was useless for me to entertain the idea of marriage.
Contrarily, my dad instructed me to understand that marriage was between a man and a woman. Any other form of intimate partner relationship was expressly forbidden. Thus, if I wanted to please Jehovah, I’d marry a woman whose religious faith was compatible with my own.
My stepmom taught me that no matter what occurred within a marriage – beating, cheating, or otherwise – the sacred bond was never to be broken. Although her first marriage ended when her husband died, she remained married to my dad thereafter and despite his questionable behavior.
Various house parents at the children’s home in which I was a resident shared their biblically-based lessons on marriage with me. Mostly, I was taught to steadfastly pursue a female until she decided to pick me among other male suitors to which she would inevitably be exposed.
The elderly people regarding the church congregation of which I was a member shared similar lessons with me. The answers given to me related to how wonderful it would be to one day have a woman chose me, as I was expected to literally die for her and my future children.
Prior to graduating high school, one church congregation member cautioned me, “It’s okay to share things with your wife, though she doesn’t need to know everything.” Who knows what was taking place in his marriage?
One woman from the same religious collective told me, “You are commanded to love your wife, just as Christ loved the church.” According to her, it didn’t matter what I experienced in marriage, divorce was never an option and love was always the answer.
Another man from the congregation encouraged me, “You’ll be expected to have all the answers, so fake it ‘til you make it.” I imagine that prior to advent of the Internet he faked a lot in his marriage.
When I eventually married, I remembered the lessons bestowed upon me in my youth. From abiding by rules, placing the needs of a group before my own interests, pursuing a woman despite all odds, and loving my wife through troublesome times, I did what was expected of me.
However, none of the lessons given to me served as adequate preparation for marriage – not even a little bit. Therefore, when my divorce was ultimately finalized I was somewhat confused.
During graduate school for counseling, when I first learned about rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT), I was taught that in many cases, when couples sought psychotherapeutic services, at least one partner was likely to have already made the decision to end a marriage.
Although I attended a Baptist university, students were invited to consider that our values weren’t to affect the counseling process. Thus, we were encouraged to honor the desires of clients who chose to separate or divorce.
Later in my career as a psychotherapist, I worked with couples. It was then that I learned how woefully ill-prepared other people were for the process of marriage. My personal experience wasn’t unique in this regard. In the book Creative Marriage, the authors address this matter by stating (page 43):
[N]ewlyweds often fail to tolerate their own or their mate’s initial lack of skills in sex, love, and marital affairs. Each spouse usually expects the other to have all the answers in regard to his or her side of the relationship and is distinctly critical when he or she does not. Even worse, each spouse often pretends to himself and his mate that he knows what he is doing, when this is obviously not true, and is intensely defensive of even positive suggestions in regard to his possible mistakes and shortcomings.
Does this description sound familiar to you? Perhaps your parents behaved in such a manner. Maybe you know of a friend or two who have marriages which operate in such a way. It very well could be the case that the authors described your intimate partner relationship.
I presume you were taught not to stick sharp objects in electrical outlets, how to carefully retrieve a pot of boiling water from a stove, or how to operate a motor vehicle. However, much as was the case for me, I doubt you were taught how marriage actually works (or doesn’t work).
If this is the case, I invite you to seek marital counseling services with a qualified therapist who’s trained in Gottman Method Couples Therapy. Although there are other available options for your care, the Gottman Method is the one I’d go with if I were in your shoes.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of therapists within the field of mental, emotional, and behavioral health who – perhaps despite their well-intentions – practice forms of couples therapy which are highly feminized, non-evidence-based, and which may be ineffective at addressing marital discord.
Thankfully, I don’t work with couples anymore. Nevertheless, I realize how irrational expectation in a marriage can serve as a catalyst for divorce. By “irrational,” I’m referring to that which isn’t in accordance with logic and reason.
By “expectation,” I’m referring to the process of considering something probable or certain. Imagine that you irrationally expect your intimate partner to perform as a sexual dynamo, have all the answers to any question in your mind, and even be able to sense your moods as you experience them.
This is the stuff of romantic comedies. It isn’t representative of real life. From an REBT perspective, irrational expectations play an integral role in the process of self-disturbance. In particular, people upset themselves with the irrational belief of demandingness in this regard.
As an example, unproductively believing that your partner should, must, or ought to know what you want to eat is an irrational expectation. How could s/he know what you want without you first informing your partner about what sounds appetizing?
As ridiculous as this example may sound, I invite you to reflect upon your own experience. Have you ever irrationally expected your romantic interest to know how to pleasure you, as though this individual is somehow physiologically and psychologically connected to you?
Irrational expectations come in a variety of self-disturbing options which then become couple-disturbing. Before allowing illogical and unreasonable probabilistic nonsense of this sort to place you on the path to divorce, I invite you to seek out a therapist who practices the Gottman Method.
Additionally, if you want or need a psychotherapist who works with individuals in regard to irrational expectations, I’m here to help. However, I ask that you don’t unhelpfully demand that I retain the ability to automatically know what you want. After all, I learned how to color in-between lines, though I can’t read minds.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
Ellis, A. and Harper, R. A. (1961). Creative Marriage. The Institute For Rational Living, Inc. Retrieved from https://www.pdfdrive.com/creative-marriage-e184052310.html
Gottman Institute, The. (n.d.). The Gottman Method. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/about/the-gottman-method/
Hollings, D. (2022, October 31). Demandingness. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/demandingness
Hollings, D. (2022, March 15). Disclaimer. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/disclaimer
Hollings, D. (2023, September 8). Fair use. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/fair-use
Hollings, D. (2024, April 2). Four major irrational beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/four-major-irrational-beliefs
Hollings, D. (2023, October 12). Get better. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/get-better
Hollings, D. (n.d.). Hollings Therapy, LLC [Official website]. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/
Hollings, D. (2023, September 19). Life coaching. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/life-coaching
Hollings, D. (2023, January 8). Logic and reason. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/logic-and-reason
Hollings, D. (2024, March 4). Mental, emotional, and behavioral health. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/mental-emotional-and-behavioral-health
Hollings, D. (2023, September 3). On feelings. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/on-feelings
Hollings, D. (2024, May 5). Psychotherapist. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychotherapist
Hollings, D. (2022, March 24). Rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT). Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-emotive-behavior-therapy-rebt
Hollings, D. (2022, November 1). Self-disturbance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-disturbance
Hollings, D. (2022, October 7). Should, must, and ought. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/should-must-and-ought
Hollings, D. (2023, February 16). Tna. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/tna
KamranAydinov. (n.d.). Front view young female in red shirt quarelling with male on the cream space female cloth photo [Image]. Freepik. Retrieved from https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/front-view-young-female-red-shirt-quarelling-with-male-cream-space-female-cloth-photo_10248694.htm#fromView=search&page=1&position=28&uuid=618f1631-be04-4a2f-ae21-9ac34028a6df
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