In 2001, electronic dance music (EDM) duo Delerium released a track entitled “Innocente (Falling in Love)” that featured the enchanting vocals of Leigh Nash. I enjoyed the Tiësto remix most, as I spun barracks mixes for other Marines which incorporated the track.
Nash reaches a sobering conclusion after posing poignant questions to what one perceives is her intimate partner in the song. Lyrics include:
Darling when did we fall? When was it over?
Darling when? When did we fall? When was it over?
I suppose it is the price of falling in love
I fear that it is the price of falling in love
From the perspective of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I appreciate how instead of self-disturbing over the dissolution of a romantic relationship Nash rationally concludes that not all in-love relationships will prosper. In fact, I argue that the overwhelming majority of them fail.
Allow me to explain. Think about how many intimate partners you’ve had throughout your lifetime. Count any type of romantic relationship you choose. Dating, committed partnerships, marriage, and other forms of in-love relationships are what you’re invited to contemplate.
Do you have a number in mind? Okay, now consider how many of those relationships in which you currently remain. Maybe you’ve been married for the past decade, though had anywhere between five to 20 intimate partner relationships before then. Let’s take the conservative number for this example.
You may’ve had five romantic, in-love relationships before you finally met and settled down with your spouse of 10 years. That means that the majority of your in-love relationships weren’t successful. Now, think of other people who you know and even those of whom you’re merely aware though don’t actually know.
Would you say these people have had overwhelming success regarding their in-love relationships? Even if you were to argue that previous relationships weren’t failures and that they were indeed successful, because people didn’t remain with poor matches, such relationships were dissolved nonetheless.
Therefore, as Nash suggests on the track “that is the price of falling in love.” Intimate partner relationship success has a cost and that price is that virtually every person who chooses to pursue romantic relationships will experience repeated failure. And you know what? That’s not a bad thing.
When we fail in an intimate partner relationship, asking ourselves, “When was it over?” we can use unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve suffering. It appears as though this is essentially the message relayed by Nash. It’s one of hope.
UA is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance, unconditional other-acceptance, and unconditional life-acceptance. In a way, this is the anecdote to needless suffering and it’s difficult to imagine a more hopeful message than that.
Rather than inflexibly demanding that things must be another way, convincing ourselves about how awful breakups or divorces are, unhelpfully believing that we can’t stand the dissolution of in-love relationships, or using negative global ratings of ourselves, others, and life, we can instead use UA.
Therefore, the “price of falling in love” doesn’t have to be misery. Rather, we can pay with frustration, annoyance, or disappointment which is arguably far less burdensome on one’s proverbial love bank account.
Perhaps you’ve recently experienced the dissolution of a romantic relationship and are now in debt to the irrational beliefs used to pay for misery. Maybe your marriage is coming to an end.
The price of falling in love doesn’t mean you must suffer. Even divorce, as unpleasant as it can be, doesn’t have to be terrible, horrible, or awful. If you’d like to know more about how REBT can ease needless suffering, I’m available to help.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s original EDM-influenced REBT psychotherapist—promoting content related to EDM, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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NettwerkMusic. (2008, August 13). Delerium - Innocente (Falling In Love) [Official music video] [Video]. YouTube. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/T55WIXwtOKQ?si=wUNOcgMc4dddIiKP
Trance Classics HD. (2017, March 6). Delerium - Innocente (DJ Tiesto Remix) (HD) [Video]. YouTube. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/nHfZPoYyC7Y?si=RhMEhh1eO2jnqH68
Wikipedia. (n.d.). Delerium. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delerium
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Wikipedia. (n.d.). Tiësto. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ti%C3%ABsto