A young boy and his dad spent an afternoon together at a beach. As sunset approached, the child asked his dad if they could build one last sand castle before heading home.
The dad, knowing that his fateful diagnosis which provided him only a month or two longer to live, readily agreed and they patiently built a final sand castle. It was during that moment that the boy’s dad imparted wisdom to his son about impermanence and uncertainty.
Impermanence is merely the quality or state of being impermanent—not permanent or transient—passing into and out of existence. All living beings are subject to impermanence, as every organic lifeform will eventually die.
Uncertainty is simply the quality or state of being uncertain—not known beyond doubt or indefinite—having no exact limits. Just as all living beings will inescapably die, life itself is filled with uncertainty.
Aside from an illusory future, there are more unknown variables about one’s own past and present than there are known truths. This is because, as fallible human beings, we merely interpret reality through a subjective lens.
Thus, much of what we perceive represents a flawed perspective. In any case, being that his son likely wouldn’t fully comprehend the aforementioned terms and their precise meaning, the boy’s dad used an analogy regarding impermanence and uncertainty. He said to his child:
Son, our lives are like sand castles. They’re relatively easy to construct from tiny grains of sand, though they’ll eventually separate and become one with the beach once again. I enjoy this moment with you, as we’re building a memory while erecting a sand castle.
I also appreciate the fact that after we leave the beach today there’s no way of knowing what will become of our creation. There’s no sorrow or fear within me about this sand castle, because I helpfully believe that all things shall pass – this sand castle, our constructed memory, and even you and I.
What’s important to me is that in this very moment I’m with you. As well, it’s essential to me that you know my love for you out measures each granule of sand upon this beach. I love you that much, son.
When practicing rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT), I incorporate psychoeducational lessons on existentialism such as the one outlined herein. Knowledge of information about impermanence and uncertainty can foster purpose and meaning in regard to a rational living aim.
Although a number of clients with whom I’ve worked throughout the years have expressed an interest in maintaining the so-called “innocence” of youth, I invite people to consider the impracticality of irrational living—that which isn’t in accordance with logic and reason.
For instance, imagine that the fictional dad represented in this post were to irrationally pretend as though his fatal diagnosis didn’t exist or he illogically and unreasonably decided to value his son’s ignorance (lack of knowledge) over knowledge, wisdom, and understanding about death.
The child may benefit in the moment by remaining unknowledgeable about the fact that his dad is dying. However, is the short-term benefit of ignorance preferable to the long-term value of information about the impermanent and uncertain nature of life?
Remarkably, some people affirmatively promote naïveté as opposed to knowledge about two sides to the same proverbial coin – one side representing life and the other death. Personally, truth and reality are far more valuable than simplemindedness.
This, I maintain despite how painful it may be to tolerate and accept reality. Of course, it’s worth noting that facing the experience of suffering head-on is an inherently discomforting matter.
When contemplating this topic I’m reminded of something Pema Chödrön stated in the book When Things Fall Apart: Heart advice for difficult times (page 54):
To the degree that we’ve been avoiding uncertainty, we’re naturally going to have withdrawal symptoms—withdrawal from always thinking that there’s a problem and that someone, somewhere, needs to fix it.
Who’s to say that impermanence and uncertainty are problematic? It would appear as though these are merely truthful and realistic elements of living. Understanding this, why would anyone unhelpfully choose to self-disturb with irrational beliefs about these unavoidable elements?
It’s worth noting that the story used herein about a boy and his dad is a derivative of something Chödrön stated in When Things Fall Apart (page 51):
We are like children building a sand castle. We embellish it with beautiful shells, bits of driftwood, and pieces of colored glass. The castle is ours, off-limits to others. We’re willing to attack if others threaten to hurt it.
Yet despite all our attachment, we know that the tide will inevitably come in and sweep the sand castle away. The trick is to enjoy it fully but without clinging, and when the time comes, let it dissolve back into the sea.
Chödrön’s perspective on impermanence and uncertainty aligns well with the REBT concept of unconditional acceptance (UA). This helpful technique advocates unconditionally accepting oneself, others, and life as they are with the inescapability of their temporary and inexact nature.
UA can be used when taking personal responsibility and accountability for your response to undesirable events such as a dissolved intimate partner relationship, the loss of a meaningful friendship, termination from a favored job, or news about one’s parent with a fatal diagnosis.
Unproductively, many people use self-disturbing conditional beliefs in regard to life. As an example, “I will accept life only if it lasts forever and I’m granted guarantees.”
Although this may sound like an absurd illustration, it’s precisely the sort of distorted inference people use to upset themselves about unfavorable events. For instance, imagine someone with whom you’ve been friends for eight years suddenly ends the relationship.
An aggravating factor related to the dissolution of this friendship includes the individual going on a social media platform and lambasting you for the entire world to witness. According to the ABC model of REBT, this undesirable event doesn’t cause an unpleasant outcome within you.
Rather, when an Activating event occurs and you use an unhelpful Belief about the occurrence, it’s your self-disturbing attitude and not the situation itself that results in an uncomfortable Consequence such as anger, trembling all over your body, and cursing the person’s name.
Instead of lying to yourself with use of an unrealistic assumption – one that causes unpleasant emotive, bodily sensation, and behavioral consequences – suppose that you unconditionally accepted the impermanence and uncertainty of life. How might you then respond?
Realistically, you may be annoyed, frustrated, or disappointed by your belief about the event. After all, you care deeply for your friend and significantly value the relationship. Who wouldn’t experience a negative emotion in regard to such a loss? (Perhaps an REBT practitioner.)
Ask yourself which consequence of a belief you would prefer to experience, a response involving uncomfortable trembling anger or one which results in disappointing acceptance? I know which outcome I prefer. For context, forgive me a personal anecdote.
Approximately 15 years ago, I met an individual when I was an amateur photographer. Together, this person and I built a proverbial sand castle on the shoreline of existence. Recently, our sand castle began to erode due to natural weathering effects of impermanence and uncertainty.
This individual is someone whose friends and family members I’ve met and with whom I’ve spent time. This person is also someone who I once vowed to defend with my very life when the individual was credibly threatened with violence from a group of people whom I didn’t know.
Nevertheless, my dedication to the practice of REBT empowered me to take ownership of my role in the dissolving sand castle, attempt to rebuild the collapsing structure when possible, and ultimately let go of the absurd notion that impermanence and uncertainty must not affect life.
Thus, I’ve rationally allowed the sand castle to dissolve back into the sea. After all, both this individual and I will also one day reunite with wherever it is the tide of existence carries us. As such, I’m not even annoyed, frustrated, or disappointed by my belief about this matter.
Instead, I’m grateful for the opportunity to have built a sand castle with someone I once dearly loved. Each moment of positive, neutral, and negative elements of our former friendship was worthwhile to me. Now, there is nothing other than gratitude for the past 15 years.
This is the lesson that a fictional dad imparted to his child on a beach as the sun was setting at the beginning of this blogpost. It is now a matter of knowledge, wisdom, and understanding worthy of your consideration.
When the tide of impermanence and uncertainty inevitably impacts you, how will you respond? Will you choose to self-disturb? Will you unconditionally accept what simply is? Take a moment to imagine sounds of a tide rolling across the shoreline. How will you respond?
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
Chödrön, P. (1997). When things fall apart: Heart advice for difficult times. Shambhala Publications, Inc. Retrieved from https://www.pdfdrive.com/when-things-fall-apart-heart-advice-for-difficult-times-d188151265.html
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