I recently discussed with someone how I’ve come to modify my approach as a psychotherapist who professionally practices rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT). No longer is my goal to help people, though to try to help people.
For clarity, it may be useful to define terms. To “try” is simply to make an attempt: to apply effort toward something. To “do” means to bring to an end: to finish something. There’s a subtle though meaningful difference between these two terms.
While I may try to help my clients, I cannot do for them the work necessary for lasting and effective change. Psychotherapy is a collaborative process and I do my part by trying to help people. If clients refuse to do their part, they likely won’t benefit from the services I provide.
What I’ve come to realize since informally beginning the practice of life coaching in the ‘90s and having begun counseling individuals since 2011 is that some people simply don’t want to change themselves. In fact, quite often, they want to change others or the world instead.
Neither in my role as a life coach or as a psychotherapist have I been endowed with the ability to serve as a miracle worker. Therefore, I invite the people with whom I work to consider the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as the area of no concern when trying to help them.
Within the circle of control is only oneself. Outside of this is the circle of influence, generally related to direct or indirect contact with people, places, and things. Then, beyond that point, is the circle of concern which encompasses virtually everything else imaginable.
Further past that point is the area of no concern which encapsulates matters only subject to imagination, topics which aren’t even imaginable, or elements about which an individual knows nothing at all. The area of no concern is so profoundly large that it’s arguably not even worth considering.
Given these points of contemplation, individuals may be better off focusing solely on the circles of control and influence. When doing so, it’s important to understand that when it comes to lasting and effective change, you’re likely to control only yourself.
Therefore, if a person doesn’t want to change oneself though the individual focuses on other people and the world instead, I likely won’t be able to do much for the client. No matter how hard I try, I likely won’t even meet a good enough standard of psychotherapeutic success.
When thinking about this matter further, I’m reminded of a song from one of my favorite Texas hip hop groups. On their 2005 album The Foundation, Houston lyricists Scarface, Willie D, and the late Bushwick Bill, who comprised the Geto Boys, released a track called “I Tried.” The chorus states:
‘Cause I tried, I tried to do the best I could
Sometimes, I guess my best ain’t good enough
‘Cause when it’s over, said, shit done
You sittin’ by yourself, mixed up
But I tried, I tried to do the best I could
Sometimes, I guess my best ain’t good enough
‘Cause when it’s over, said, shit done
You sittin’ by yourself, mixed up, but I tried
“Sometimes, I guess my best ain’t good enough” when genuinely advocating a getting better versus a feeling better approach to mental, emotional, and behavioral health in regard to other people. However, as I’ve realized and stated herein, not all people want to change themselves.
Although I practice a good enough standard of living, I realize that my effort “ain’t good enough” for everyone. Rather than self-disturbing with irrational beliefs about this matter, I’ve merely modified my approach as an REBT psychotherapist by trying to help people.
Trying to help people is an accomplishable objective. However, it’s nearly impossible to actually help everyone. To provide context, forgive me a personal anecdote.
Many years ago, when solely providing life coaching services, I was contacted by a friend who was concerned for her brother-in-law – someone I’ll refer to as person X. Apparently, person X – with whom I’d never before spoken – was in a moment of personal crisis.
My friend patched me through to a three-way call and I spoke with person X who was said to have been driving in the rain while crying and reporting to me a hopeless outlook. In the interest of his safety and that of other motorists, I convinced him to pull over.
We spoke for a period of time and he agreed to immediately visit the nearest emergency department. Before doing so, he first wanted to contact his intimate partner and inform her of his decision to seek acute care services. Thus, he remained on the call with my friend and I hung up.
Approximately a week later, my friend informed me that person X completed suicide. I’d spoken with him only once. Nevertheless, as expressed by the Geto Boys, “I tried, I tried to do the best I could. Sometimes, I guess my best ain’t good enough, ‘cause when it’s over, said, shit done. You sittin’ by yourself, mixed up, but I tried.”
I accomplished my objective to try to help person X. However, I couldn’t do the work necessary to keep him tethered to his existence. That was solely his responsibility. Although this personal anecdote is an unfortunate tale, it’s one that occurs quite often.
According to one source, suicide is the 11th leading cause of death in the United States (U.S.), in 2022, 49,476 U.S. citizens died by suicide, and in 2022, there were an estimated 1.6 million suicide attempts. No matter how hard a life coach or psychotherapist tries, we can’t fully stop death from occurring at one’s own hands.
After all, people are self-determined and autonomous actors. Add to this fact our inherently fallible nature, the notion that life is impermanent and uncertain, and considering that suffering appears to be a feature of life, then the point of this blogpost becomes a lot clearer.
I can try to help people, though I cannot do for them the work necessary for lasting and effective change. Some people will inevitably end their own lives and I don’t judge them for making that decision. I tried to help person X, using a good enough standard, and he did what he reasoned was in his best interest.
Perhaps you’ve driven in the rain while crying and maintaining a hopeless outlook, yet you don’t want to attempt or complete suicide. REBT has helped an untold number of people – of which I’m included in this figure – from punching out before their expected time of departure.
Perhaps this psychotherapeutic modality may benefit you, as well. If nothing else, maybe it’s worth a try to actually get better. Therefore, if you reside in Texas, I can try to help you improve your level of functioning and quality of life.
Bear in mind though, I can’t do the work necessary for you to change your life. Only you can do that. If you’re prepared to try something other than what you’ve been doing that brought you to the moment at which you’ve found yourself with a hopeless outlook, I’m here to help.
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. (n.d.). Suicide statistics. Retrieved from https://afsp.org/suicide-statistics/
HHGA. (2024, October 5). Geto Boys: Hip hop’s grittiest innovators [Image]. HipHopGoldenAge. Retrieved from https://hiphopgoldenage.com/geto-boys-hip-hops-grittiest-innovators/
Hollings, D. (2024, April 4). An honest crisis. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/an-honest-crisis
Hollings, D. (2022, May 17). Circle of concern. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/circle-of-concern
Hollings, D. (2024, July 11). Concern and no concern. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/concern-and-no-concern
Hollings, D. (2023, June 26). Ctrl+alt+del. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/ctrl-alt-del
Hollings, D. (2022, March 15). Disclaimer. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/disclaimer
Hollings, D. (2024, February 25). Doing the work. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/doing-the-work
Hollings, D. (2023, September 8). Fair use. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/fair-use
Hollings, D. (2024, May 11). Fallible human being. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/fallible-human-being
Hollings, D. (2024, April 2). Four major irrational beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/four-major-irrational-beliefs
Hollings, D. (2023, October 12). Get better. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/get-better
Hollings, D. (2024, April 13). Goals. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/goals
Hollings, D. (2023, December 26). Good enough is good enough. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/good-enough-is-good-enough
Hollings, D. (n.d.). Hollings Therapy, LLC [Official website]. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/
Hollings, D. (2024, October 21). Impermanence and uncertainty. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/impermanence-and-uncertainty
Hollings, D. (2024, January 2). Interests and goals. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/interests-and-goals
Hollings, D. (2023, September 19). Life coaching. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/life-coaching
Hollings, D. (2023, January 8). Logic and reason. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/logic-and-reason
Hollings, D. (2022, June 23). Meaningful purpose. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/meaningful-purpose
Hollings, D. (2024, March 4). Mental, emotional, and behavioral health. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/mental-emotional-and-behavioral-health
Hollings, D. (2023, September 3). On feelings. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/on-feelings
Hollings, D. (2022, November 7). Personal ownership. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/personal-ownership
Hollings, D. (2023, September 15). Psychotherapeutic modalities. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychotherapeutic-modalities
Hollings, D. (2024, May 5). Psychotherapist. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychotherapist
Hollings, D. (2022, March 24). Rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT). Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-emotive-behavior-therapy-rebt
Hollings, D. (2024, May 26). Self-determination and autonomy. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-determination-and-autonomy
Hollings, D. (2022, November 1). Self-disturbance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-disturbance
Hollings, D. (2024, February 27). Suffering, struggling, and battling vs. experiencing. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/suffering-struggling-and-battling-vs-experiencing
iGetoBoys. (2012, February 15). Geto Boys - I Tried (Uncut) (Official video) [Video]. YouTube. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/DyThvat5-SI?si=pxitun5h5whU3w1m
Wikipedia. (n.d.). Bushwick Bill. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bushwick_Bill
Wikipedia. (n.d.). Geto Boys. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Geto_Boys
Wikipedia. (n.d.). Scarface (rapper). Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scarface_(rapper)
Wikipedia. (n.d.). The Foundation (Geto Boys album). Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Foundation_(Geto_Boys_album)
Wikipedia. (n.d.). Willie D. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Willie_D
Opmerkingen