Years ago, I heard a quote attributed to author Penny Reid, “Don’t set yourself on fire trying to keep others warm.” Had I heard those wise words during my 20s, I imagine that I could’ve saved myself from self-disturbance that stemmed from my irrational beliefs during that period of life.
Alas, life being the fallible experience that it is, I knew nothing of Reid’s quote or rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT) when perhaps I most needed guidance. Such is life, and I unconditionally accept my imperfect nature, the flaws of others, and a blemished existence.
What matters at present is that I understand how frequently I proverbially torched myself when trying to keep others warm. From my cognitively distorted perspective at the time, I was something akin to a superhero. However, this wasn’t due to an over-inflated ego.
Given my historical outlook, I wasn’t self-sacrificing in order to save other people. Rather, I was heroically proving my worth. This is likely due to having profoundly lacked unconditional self-acceptance (USA) at the time.
The REBT concept of USA is an antidote to the irrational belief known as a negative self-rating or global evaluation of the self. For instance, I probably believed something along the lines of, “If I’m not of use to others, then I’m worthless.”
Fueling my unhelpful self-narrative at the time was my status as a military policeman, offering assistance to those in need as a matter of job performance and rebellion against confirmation bias. Regarding the latter, a negative self-rating was countered by making myself useful.
However, my behavior was little more than a thin veneer that barely hid the fact that I truly believed I was worthless. How long could I have maintained the appearance of helpfulness when I couldn’t even escape my own mind? Thus, I was constantly reminded of how worthless I was.
Without accepting myself as a fallible human being who had some worth and who wasn’t altogether useless, I could’ve practiced USA rather than having repeatedly lit myself in a blaze. After all, I wasn’t a superhero. I was merely a person who self-disturbed with unhelpful beliefs.
Contemplating this matter further, I’m reminded of the 2010 electronic dance music (EDM) track “Save You (Sam Stroke & Isaac Fisherman remix)” by Gemini’s Edge. Lyrics include:
I sacrificed myself to save you [x4]
Nowhere, nobody
Nothing to give
Nothing, nobody
Nowhere to live
Never again will I be the one in need
Never again will I kiss the hand that feeds
Leave it open for all to see
What happens when you do good deeds
Vocals from the track remind me of my past. No matter how many people I tried to help – “heroically saved,” had I described it back then – I continually found myself at the same starting point: nowhere with nobody, nothing left to give, and nowhere to live without my beliefs.
Self-disturbance caused by my irrational beliefs led me to conclude that the “good deeds” I performed were likely never to adequately counter my negative self-rating. Thus, I was worthless no matter what I did or didn’t do. That doesn’t sound very heroic to me now.
Thankfully, I later learned of REBT and no longer sacrifice myself to save others or set myself on fire trying to keep others warm. As I routinely practice USA, I find that I’m still able to try to help others – though to do so originating from a “good enough” self-appraisal.
How about you, do you needlessly and proverbially light yourself on fire in order to keep others warm? Would you like to know more about how you can still attempt to help others while also accepting yourself without unhelpful conditions? If so, I look forward to hearing from you.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost EDM-influenced REBT psychotherapist—promoting content related to EDM, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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Playground. (n.d.). Intense charcoal warrior with glowing emblem art [Image]. Retrieved from https://playground.com/design/template/intense-charcoal-warrior-with-glowing-emblem-art-cm2f83tv70038ajlf7wqazdio
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Tranzation. (2013, July 14). Gemini’s Edge - Save You (Sam Stroke & Isaac Fisherman remix) [Video]. YouTube. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/dAh-g8x0NBw?si=339I74-EoQVK8hQY
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