Over the past several years, I’ve had many conversations with a fellow United States (U.S.) Marine Corps veteran (“Blanca”) about death. Generally, these discussions have been influenced by my advocacy for the practice of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT).
In specific, my friend is familiar with the ABC model, unconditional acceptance (UA), and my approach to REBT that incorporates existentialism into this psychotherapeutic modality. Also, it helps that Blanca and I share similar lived experiences regarding trauma in child- and adulthood.
When recently discussing my lack of fear concerning death, I explained that the thought of dying (Action) is met with a high frustration tolerance form of Belief whereby I conclude, “All things shall eventually pass.” When telling myself this, the Consequence I experience is consolation.
As she understands the practice of UA, Blanca comprehends the concepts of unconditional self-acceptance, unconditional other-acceptance, and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA). Regarding death, ULA is used to endure, without protest or reaction, the fact that everyone dies.
Historically, I’ve applied examples from my military service when using psychoeducational lessons about death while talking with Blanca. As an example, one leatherneck with whom I served in Rio de Janeiro, Brasil – where I also served with Blanca’s husband – died years ago.
I wasn’t particularly fond of the decedent, as he used to bully me and Blanca’s husband. Rather than showing reverence for the dead, I typically speak about that Marine through use of gallows humor.
By doing so, I highlight the self-disturbing effect regarding knowledge of and belief about one’s inevitable death. For instance, I may say something like, “I can do a decent impression of that dude, but you’d need to give me several years of decomposition to get it right.”
Although some people may consider my use of humor as offensive when discussing mental, emotional, and behavioral health topics, I maintain that my crass joke about a decomposing body jolts one’s conscious mind with a lesson on the impermanence and uncertainty inherent in life.
Similar to the process of systematic desensitization, I find that the more I introduce the topic of death into discussions about one’s psychological health, the more people are able to foster resilience through their ability to tolerate distress at a higher level. This is a healthy practice.
When contemplating this matter, I’m reminded of Luv Is Rage 2 (2017) which is the debut studio album by rapper and singer Lil Uzi Vert. Namely, the anthology features a song entitled “XO Tour Llif3” that was initially released on Luv Is Rage 1.5 (2017). According to one source:
The story [of the track] revolves around Lil Uzi Vert dealing with a drug addiction and his then girlfriend Brittany Byrd struggling with suicidal thoughts. The song is written after their breakup which was announced via a tweet by Lil Uzi Vert.
Many people with whom I’ve worked in a psychotherapeutic capacity over the years have experienced issues said to have contributed to Lil Uzi Vert’s intentions regarding his song. Noteworthy, the chorus of “XO Tour Llif3” states:
I don’t really care if you cry
On the real, you should’ve never lied
Should’ve saw the way she looked me in my eyes
She said, “Baby, I am not afraid to die”
Push me to the edge
All my friends are dead
Push me to the edge
All my friends are dead
Push me to the edge
All my friends are dead
Push me to the edge
Assessing the chorus through the lens of REBT, I recognize that use of the term “should’ve” indicates one of the four major irrational beliefs addressed in REBT which relates to demandingness. Self-disturbing demands generally relate to absolute or conditional commands.
Aside from use of these prescriptive advisements in intimate partner relationships such as Lil Uzi Vert’s, people often apply these rigid beliefs when thinking about death. As an absolutistic belief, one may conclude, “I must never die!” This is irrational, because everyone dies.
Likewise, one may use a conditional belief such as, “If I could die at any moment, then I shouldn’t relax!” This is illogical and unreasonable (collectively “irrational”), because an inflexible condition of this sort being placed on one’s relaxation would result in constant fear.
When discussing with Blanca the potential of my inescapable death, I sometimes address the fact that she and I once signed contracts with the U.S. government in regard to “support[ing] and defend[ing] the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic.”
The oath meant that not only were Marines prepared to die when providing service to this nation; we were ready to kill in support and defense of the Constitution and its provisions. Further contemplating this matter and thinking of Lil Uzi Vert’s namesake, I submit the following photo:
After departing Rio, I was assigned to a diplomatic mission in Lima, Peru. In that role, I employed the use of Uzi submachine guns to satisfy a protective posture for the U.S. embassy. As such, I wasn’t afraid to die and I most certainly wasn’t fearful about killing.
When pointing out a similar level of preparedness to Blanca, using contemporary examples in regard to concealed carry, my friend has come closer to the practice of UA than she’s ever been. Bear in mind that this doesn’t mean that either or us is excited about dying or killing.
Rather, without use of unproductive conditions or absolutistic beliefs, we rationally maintain that everyone eventually dies. Since there’s no fixed expiration date regarding our existence, Blanca and I helpfully refrain from lying to – and thus disturbing – ourselves about death.
How about you? Do you allow your unfavorable beliefs to push you to the edge, as referenced in Lil Uzi Vert’s song? If so, it sounds like you may be living in fear.
You don’t have to dwell in that headspace. If you’d like to know more about stepping away from that proverbial ledge, I look forward to hearing from you.
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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