I recall after on particularly unpleasant breakup in early adulthood, after which I abstained from sexual intercourse for a period of four years and eight months while emotionally concluding that I was done with intimate partner relationships, I was given advice from someone who was close to me.
My female friend told me, “Don’t let one ruin it for the rest.” Her invitation to consider remaining open to romantic relationships used what is known in Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) as a flexible recommendatory should statement.
Unlike rigid use of an absolutistic should narrative, which functions more as an irrational belief in the form of demandingness, my friend urged me to consider that although I experienced suffering in one moment my unpleasant experience wasn’t worth abandoning all future romantic possibilities.
Back then, I didn’t know about REBT and the ABC model. Therefore, I subscribed to the misconception of an Antecedent-Consequence (A-C) connection. I unhelpfully concluded that because of the breakup (Antecedent), I experienced sorrow (Consequence).
However, the ABC model illustrates that a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection is what causes self-disturbance. In this way, people upset themselves with unfavorable assumptions, beliefs, attitudes, or philosophies of life.
Thus, when an intimate partner relationship dissolved (Antecedent) and I unhelpfully concluded, “This is terrible and I can’t stand this experience” (Belief), my unproductive assumption and not the breakup itself is what caused sorrow and a decision to forego romantic relationships (Consequence).
In this example, I used the irrational attitudes of awfulizing (i.e., this is terrible) and low frustration tolerance (i.e., I can’t stand this experience). Not only did I exaggerate the severity of my experience, I unproductively concluded that it was intolerable and unacceptable.
Thereafter heeding my dear friend’s advice, I reengaged the practice of dating in order to find someone with whom I could pair bond after almost five years of sexual inactivity. Eventually, I found what I believed was an appropriate intimate partner.
Of course, I selected her based on an organically chemical-influenced process of irrationality that is quite common of romantic love. For context, irrationality concerns matters which don’t comport with logic and reason.
Although my body’s chemicals (i.e., serotonin, dopamine, etc.) influenced my actions for likely up to a year when interacting with the woman, it was irrationality that ultimately resulted in the poor behavior I exhibited during the almost five-year intimate partner relationship with her. Thus, I disturbed myself with a B-C connection.
Nevertheless, following the dissolution of that significant romantic relationship I unhelpfully concluded that an A-C connection caused the pain and suffering I experienced. With this unfavorable conclusion, I used the irrational belief of global ratings.
I unhelpfully rated myself as unlovable, the woman who left me as completely dreadful, and life itself as utterly worthless. Thus, I impulsively and irrationally decided not to love anyone in the romantic sense ever again.
Once more, someone close to me intervened on my behalf. My late stepmom told me, “Honey, don’t grow accustomed to living alone, because you’ll become a hermit.” Often associated with religious faith, a hermit is one that retires from society and lives in solitude.
Still unaware of REBT at that time, I continued to utilize each of the four irrational beliefs people use to disturb themselves – demandingness, awfulizing, low frustration tolerance, and global ratings. All the same, I valued my stepmom’s advice.
As time went on, I again started dating. Eventually, I established and maintained a number of non-concurrent and meaningful intimate partner relationships. As well, I made the permanent decision not to have children of my own.
Unlike the irrationality of self-disturbance used after breakups, my decision to undergo a vasectomy was based on logic and reason. Hearing of my decision to attain this medical procedure, my stepmom voiced her concerns.
She told me it was an “abomination” not to abide by the biblical instruction of Genesis 1:28 which instructs humans to “be fruitful and multiply.” Aside from castigation from my stepmom, my choice impacted future possibilities for romantic relationships.
A number of women with whom I pair-bonded ultimately decided that the option never to have children with me wasn’t aligned with their interests and goals. Having learned of and begun practicing REBT by the time I met them, I didn’t blame these women for choosing to end the relationship.
Following a breakup in February 2015, I finally decided to go my own way in life. Regarding this decision, I knew nothing about the movement of MGTOW (men going their own way).
Rather, I approached this matter from the perspective of me going my own way (MGMOW). Although I may be ideologically aligned with some elements regarding a cohort of men who’ve chosen to altogether abandon intimate partner relationships, I no longer tend toward group affiliation.
When my stepmom learned of my rational conclusion to actively pursue living alone for the rest of my days, she revisited the “hermit” discussion. I was advised that people who grow accustomed to living alone apparently favor the lifestyle more than pair bond relationships.
Despite serving as a cautionary advisement, I thought it sounded awesome! Who wouldn’t desire a reduction of problems associated with an already complicated existence?
Still, if there was to be any hope of me reversing the decision not to procreate, my stepmom urged that I would have to (i.e., should, must, or ought to) reconsider my MGMOW decision. Yet, I was resolute in my choice. Defending this position, I stated in a blogpost entitled Better Off Alone:
It is in fact an irrational and wacky position to maintain that because person Y doesn’t want person X to go his own way, person X should do as person Y commands. Instead of shoulding on people who have a relatively short time left on this earth, person Y can acknowledge that it is permissible for men to rationally go their own way if they so desire.
The hermit life is something to which I’ve grown accustomed, as my stepmom’s inclination was correct. Steadily approaching a full decade of having lived alone and practiced abstinence, I remain far more content in life than I ever was with an intimate partner. It’s awesome!
Regardless, I suppose it’s natural for an individual to wonder about how it is I identify with a MGMOW lifestyle while working with clients in my psychotherapy practice when many of these people are in committed romantic relationships. I addressed this subject in a blogpost entitled Alone by stating:
My ultimate objective isn’t to produce an experience whereby a client rationally concludes that going one’s own way is the healthiest option. Quite the contrary. If someone chooses to live as I do, I hope the person is prepared to truly be alone. This lifestyle isn’t for everyone.
For further rationale regarding a MGTOW (MGMOW) lifestyle, I invite you to read my blog entry entitled Ankle Bracelets. In any case, when reading Creative Marriage, I recently discovered what authors Albert Ellis, Ph.D. and Robert A. Harper, Ph.D. stated of the hermit life (page 21):
As both of the authors of this book frequently stress to their clients and patients: “Do your best, by all means, to understand the society in which you live, and to make suitable allowances for its flaws and idiocies in raising your children in it.
But let’s have no illusions: since you live in an imperfect culture, you are bound, to some degree, to have imperfect selves and imperfect offspring. No matter how sane and intelligent may be your own modes of child-raising, your children will suffer from other less sane and intelligent influences: from contacts with their friends, their teachers, books, movies, TV shows, etc. Tough!
But these are the facts and you must, to some degree, accept them—or else become a hermit. Make all the allowances you will for your culture; but you still can’t completely escape it. Sick people are in large degree—though not completely—a product of a sick society. Be forewarned.”
While I appreciate the contribution of REBT heavyweights who published their book in 1961, I respectfully disagree with their behavioral prescription. First, using a Stoic perspective, I agree that an individual living in a society may benefit from trying to understand humankind.
Albeit that I live in relative seclusion, I take careful measures to try to understand and live in accord with people in my particular area. Second, I concur with the notion that people are fallible human beings and that life itself is imperfect.
Still, I don’t foolishly believe that I have to have children or thus render myself a hermit. I’m already living the hermit life and I wish I’d chosen this path sooner. My initial (almost) five years of celibacy and current (almost) decade of abstinence is a wonderful option for me.
Finally, a MGMOW lifestyle isn’t an attempt to “completely escape” culture. What a silly notion! I live in Austin, Texas, not in a cabin located deep within the wilderness.
Noteworthy, one source states, “Although some MGTOW maintain platonic relationships with women and others have one-night stands or visit sex workers, many prefer to abstain from sex, a process referred to as ‘going monk”. Again, I don’t promote this lifestyle.
Although I’m not associated with MGTOW as a movement, I’ve been in “monk mode” for years. Despite the term “hermit” having roots in religiosity and the word “monk” relating to religious faith, MGMOW relates to rigorous rather than rigid or dogmatic practice.
At any rate, I wonder about the authors of Creative Marriage and their forewarning to people who choose to become hermits. It seems to me that shoulding on one’s readers may represent hypocritical behavior. Additionally, and perhaps a man of his time, one source states of Ellis:
Ellis wrote that he was addicted to frotteurism beginning at age 15; he “sought out crowded trains, standing room in the back of movie theaters, crowded elevators, and other places where I could rub my midsection against women’s backsides and hips and soon get delicious orgasms… Over the years, until I had ‘regular’ sex with consenting partners, I had hundreds of frotteur-incited sex adventures” (Ellis, 2004, p. 126-7).
Alas, each of us is a fallible entity. I’ll choose my rational form of imperfection over rubbing my penis against nonconsenting people. If it boils down to being in a dissatisfying intimate partner relationship, committing sexual assault, or subscribing to a MGMOW lifestyle, I’ll rationally choose the hermit life.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
AEI. (n.d.). About Albert Ellis, Ph.D. Albert Ellis Institute. Retrieved from https://albertellis.org/about-albert-ellis-phd/
APA PsychNet. (2004). Robert A. Harper (1915-2004). American Psychological Association. Retrieved from https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2F0003-066X.59.6.562
Bates, L. (2020, August 6). Men going their own way: the rise of a toxic male separatist movement. The Guardian. Retrieved from https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/aug/26/men-going-their-own-way-the-toxic-male-separatist-movement-that-is-now-mainstream
Ellis, A. (2004). Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy: It works for me – it can work for you. Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books.
Ellis, A. and Harper, R. A. (1961). Creative Marriage. The Institute For Rational Living, Inc. Retrieved from https://www.pdfdrive.com/creative-marriage-e184052310.html
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Hollings, D. (2023, September 19). Life coaching. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/life-coaching
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Hollings, D. (2024, July 10). Recommendatory should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/recommendatory-should-beliefs
Hollings, D. (2024, June 3). Rigid stimulus control. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rigid-stimulus-control
Hollings, D. (2024, January 4). Rigid vs. rigorous. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rigid-vs-rigorous
Hollings, D. (2022, November 1). Self-disturbance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-disturbance
Hollings, D. (2024, April 21). Stoicism. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/stoicism
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Hollings, D. (2022, November 9). The ABC model. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-abc-model
Hollings, D. (2023, September 6). The absence of suffering. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-absence-of-suffering
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Williamson, C. [@ChrisWillx]. Monk Mode has grown to huge popularity over the last few years as a self-improvement strategy, especially for men […] [Post]. X. Retrieved from https://x.com/ChrisWillx/status/1742960425229078672
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