In a blogpost entitled No Time for That, I stated, “It was an ex-girlfriend from my time in high school who named me Tin Man. When she expressed a desire to one day marry me, I terminated our intimate partner relationship in a knee-jerk fashion.”
That wasn’t the first or last person who referred to me as heartless—lacking feeling or cruel. For many years during my youth and into early adulthood, I thought that I may actually have been affectionless. Worse than that, I believed I was irreparably broken.
At that time in my life, I knew nothing about Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT)—a psychotherapeutic modality that uses the ABC model to demonstrate how one’s self-narratives lead to unpleasant outcomes, and which uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to ease suffering.
REBT theory maintains that when an unexpected Action occurs and a person uses an irrational Belief about the situation, it’s one’s unhelpful attitude and not the undesirable circumstance that causes unpleasant cognitive, emotive, sensational, and behavioral effects as Consequences.
For instance, my ex-girlfriend told me that she wanted to marry me and I broke up with her (Action). At that point, she likely believed, “This is an awful situation and Deric is heartless! He’s like the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz [1939 musical fantasy film].”
There are two unfavorable Beliefs in that self-narrative. First, my ex presumably used awfulizing—an unproductive process by which an individual rates oneself, other people, life, and other events as wholly terrible, horrible, awful, and so on.
When using this unaccommodating Belief, a person over-evaluates an Action beyond its actual impact. Second, my ex assigned me a moniker which stemmed from a global evaluation—a complete under-appraisal of oneself, others, life, and other situations.
The Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection probably experienced by my ex-girlfriend were thoughts about how little I was worth (cognitive); the feeling of sorrow, anger, or disgust (emotive); a rapid heartrate (sensational); and labeling me a heartless character (behavioral).
Concurrent to my ex’s imagined B-C reaction, when I was initially referred to as Tin Man (Action) I Believed, “I mustn’t be as cruel as my mom was to me, so I can’t stand that I’m thought of as heatless!” There are two unfavorable Beliefs in that self-narrative.
First, I used demandingness—an absolutistic should, must, or ought-type of prescriptive self-account that leaves little-to-no opportunity for nuanced consideration. When using this form of Belief, an individual essentially assumes a godlike role by commanding what must be done.
Second, I used low frustration tolerance—an unhelpful Belief which suggests that one cannot tolerate or accept the Action taking place. The B-C reaction I then experienced were thoughts of becoming like my mom, sorrow, heaviness in my body, and avoidance. This went on for years.
Thankfully, I eventually stopped upsetting myself. When contemplating this matter, I’m reminded of an electronic dance music (EDM) set from DJ Evrika in which she played “Heartless (Fideles remix)” by WhoMadeWho and Kölsch, and which was remixed by Fideles. Lyrics include:
Was it worth it?
Did we kill it?
Must I blame you?
If you blame me
You’re so heartless
Heartless, heartless
You’re so […]
Is it over?
It feels much harder
Must I hurt you?
If you hurt me
You’re so heartless
Heartless, heartless
You’re so heartless
The track reminds me of the imagined perspectives of my high school ex-girlfriend and me in regard to my apparent heartlessness. Each of us likely used B-C connections to upset ourselves quite a bit.
Rather than remaining self-disturbed, an individual is invited to try Disputation which may lead to an Effective new belief that’s used in place of an unproductive self-narrative. With the ABC model, a person learns to stop needless suffering which is caused by unhelpful assumptions.
Helpfully, REBT also uses the technique of UA to relieve suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance, unconditional other-acceptance, and unconditional life-acceptance.
Many years following the receipt of my nickname and having had it reinforced by a number of people, I eventually learned of REBT and began practicing UA. Now, I understand that even if it were the case that I’m a callous individual, I still retain worth as a fallible human being.
Admittedly, I understand why some people may conclude that I’m insensitive. All the same, I mustn’t sit alone in the proverbial wilderness while self-disturbing with unhelpful beliefs about how I’m perceived. Besides, doing so didn’t serve me well before learning about REBT.
Unproductively, many people seek to un-earn unfavorable labels bestowed upon them by other people. I’ve observed individuals tying themselves into proverbial knots trying to please others. Personally, that’s a waste of what little time one has remaining in this finite existence.
Therefore, I opt for rational living as a method of trying to do as little harm in my remaining days as possible. This is something that I do imperfectly and with comprehension about how subjective the term “harm” is for people.
Thus, if choosing to end an intimate partner relationship rather than committing myself to a union that likely wouldn’t have served well my interests and goals is perceived as harmfully heartless, then so be it. I’m content with knowing that some people consider me unsympathetic.
How about you? Does the thought about being perceived in an unfavorable manner serve you well? Better yet, what beliefs about such an experience do you maintain? If your B-C connection is getting in the way of your well-being, I may be able to help.
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost EDM-influenced REBT psychotherapist—promoting content related to EDM, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
Photo credit, artist Yan Blanco, fair use
References:
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