Because I’m not frontin’ like so many of my professional colleagues in the field of mental, emotional, and behavioral health, I share content within my blog at which some of my peers may baulk. It’s difficult for me to imagine caring about their opinions any less than I actually do.
As a psychotherapist who uses psychoeducational lessons about rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT), it’s important to me not to present a plastic façade in relation to myself, other people, or life in general. This appears to be an uncommon approach in my field.
In any case, I post personal anecdotes while comparing and contrasting divergent perspectives from my past to the present point at which I find myself in life. The objective of this method of wellness is to demonstrate how individual change is possible when devoting oneself to REBT.
For instance, I shared in a post entitled Disturbed, “I was fully disturbed to the point whereby I would’ve decapitated my mom right where she kneeled while repeatedly punching my beloved sister.” I was in seventh grade when the culmination of childhood trauma led to that moment.
Thus, I was seconds away from removing my mom’s head from her shoulders as she physically assaulted my sibling. Not long after that incident, I was placed in a children’s home for reasons of economic instability.
In actuality, I think my mom was afraid that her tyrannical behavior wasn’t effective any longer. I’d found my voice and thrown caution to the wind. As such, I was prepared to fight back against the woman who brought me into this world while not fearing actions taken to remove her from it.
It was in 1991, when placed in a children’s home, that I began the informal practice of life coaching. Providing mental and emotional support for other abused children and even some adults who worked within the residential setting, I knew nothing about REBT.
Had I learned about the ABC model and unconditional acceptance, I suspect my life would’ve been significantly improved. However, the suffering I experienced in association with a then-undiagnosed posttraumatic stress disorder condition was tolerable even if undesirable.
If memory serves, the last time I saw my late mom was in 1995. At the time, she didn’t recognize me. Instead, she asked my sister who the “cute boy” was that was pumping gas into my sister’s car. “That’s your son, mom,” my sister replied.
Without knowledge of REBT, I self-disturbed using irrational beliefs about the trauma I endured in childhood. The consequence of my unfavorable assumptions was that I hated my mom. Even if not by way of my own hand, I wanted my mom to die for what she’d done to me in childhood.
I understand this is difficult for many people to understand, though it was as Project Pat said on the track “Don’t Turn Around,” “For this motherfucker’s death, dawg, I was fiendin’.” I sincerely wanted my mom to die.
Unfortunately, I harbored hatred for my mom well into early adulthood. Therefore, when one of my favorite lyricists, Eminem, released his album The Eminem Show (2002) that featured the song “Cleanin’ Out My Closet,” I was ecstatic. Regarding the track, one source states:
In the song’s first verse, Eminem criticizes his mother. The second verse then moves on to how his father abandoned him and his mother did drugs. At the start of the third verse, Eminem states that his comments regarding his mother are not made for the sake of public attention.
Using a victimhood mentality while remaining ignorant about the ABC model, I found Eminem’s song to be a cathartic expression regarding what I thought and how I felt about my own mom. Yet, feeling better about my upbringing did little to help me get better overall.
It wasn’t until I attended graduate school for counseling (2009-2011) that I learned about REBT and how to improve my level of functioning and quality of life. For the two years that I studied this psychotherapeutic modality, I was able to unlearn the poor attitude I had regarding my mom.
Then, when attending graduate school for social work (2012-2014), Eminem released his album The Marshall Mathers LP 2 (2013)—the last anthology from the lyricist that I’ve been able to enjoy. Noteworthy, he displayed remarkable intellectual and emotional insight on the project.
In specific, Eminem’s song “Headlights,” which features the vocals of Nate Ruess, quickly became one of my most cherished songs by the lyricist. I won’t lie; I shed bittersweet tears on more than one occasion when listening to the track.
According to one source, “In the song, Eminem apologizes to his mother, Debbie Mathers, for criticizing her in his earlier songs and for showing scorn and resentment towards her in the past.” Just as I’d found peace through the practice of REBT, Eminem apparently also found harmony.
For the introduction to the song, Ruess sings:
Mom, I know I let you down
And though you say the days are happy
Why is the power off and I’m fucked up?
And, mom, I know he’s not around
But don’t you place the blame on me
As you pour yourself another drink, yeah
The phrase “I know I let you down” eloquently describes my frame of mind toward my mom as a child. When frequently being told that she regretted having me, that I should’ve been aborted, and that no one would ever love me, I unhelpfully believed that I was a letdown to my mom.
However, I was unaware of the belief-consequence (B-C) connection at that time in my life and how my unaccommodating beliefs about my mom’s unkind words – and not her actual statements – were the source of my misery. Now, I know better and have since gotten better.
In his first verse of the song, Eminem describes being kicked out of his home after repeated episodes of conflict with his mom. This was a stark reminder to me about the events which led to my placement in a children’s home.
The lyricist then expresses, “And that’s when I realized you were sick, and it wasn’t fixable or changeable. And to this day, we remain estranged, and I hate it though.” During my time in graduate school for counseling, I realized that my mom wasn’t evil. She was merely ill.
Fundamentally, my mom was a fallible human being and so was I. With every finger I could unproductively point at her, there were three fingers pointing back at me. I mean, what measure of health is it for one’s child to have come moments away from beheading his mom?
I was ill, just as my mom was. That illness has since been remedied. For the chorus of “Headlights,” Ruess sings, “I guess we are who we are. Headlights shining in the dark night I drive on. Maybe we took this too far.” For years, my tears welled up when hearing the chorus.
I hadn’t processed the issues of my childhood and my beliefs about traumatic events resulted in a deeply sorrowful condition. Once I began practicing REBT, I still experienced sadness when listening to “Headlights,” though my consequential experience wasn’t akin to depression.
This is because I understand the difference between unhealthy and healthy negative emotions, and what causes this emotive experience. Rather than awfulizing or using demandingness narratives regarding past events, I practice unconditional self-, other-, and life-acceptance.
I was who I was—a fallible human being. My mom who she was—a flawed individual. And life was what it was—an imperfect experience. Unconditional acceptance of this sort serves as “headlights shining in the dark night I drive on.” I can see things much clearer than I once did.
It’s natural to experience sorrow after having endured psychological and physiological abuse in childhood. However, ruminating over undesirable events of yesteryear while employing use of unfavorable beliefs can compound one’s own suffering, which is precisely what I did.
Perhaps my mom and I took things too far—she with her egregiously abusive behavior and me with my unhealthily reactive actions. Our unhelpful reactions had consequences which apparently is a B-C connection Eminem understands, as he states in his second verse:
‘Cause to this day we remain estranged and I hate it though
‘Cause you ain’t even get to witness your grandbabies grow
But I’m sorry, mama, for “Cleanin’ Out My Closet”
At the time, I was angry, rightfully? Maybe so
Never meant that far to take it, though
‘Cause now I know it’s not your fault, and I’m not makin’ jokes
That song, I no longer play at shows
And I cringe every time it’s on the radio
I’m not one to judge whether or not Eminem’s anger toward his mom was rightful or wrongful. Instead, I’ll offer that the vitriol I experienced in regard to my mom wasn’t justified. After all, I understand the B-C connection and how I was angered in response to my beliefs about my mom.
Helpfully, the lyricist admits “now I know it’s not your fault,” as Eminem ostensibly avoids blaming his mom for his own reactions to her behavior. This is in accordance with the concept in REBT of not blaming others for our own unpleasant consequences.
Wonderfully, Eminem states in his second verse, “I’m way too old to cry, this shit is painful, though. But, ma, I forgive you.” I, too, reached an age – even before learning about REBT – when crying over matters of the past was understood to be a fruitless endeavor.
Still, unlike Eminem’s assertion, I recognize that the past isn’t painful. Beliefs about the past can cause hurt, though the past is undeniably behind me and remains unalterable. What I appreciate about the lyricist’s admission is that he forgave his mom.
Something that my late stepmom once told me was, “Baby, forgiveness isn’t for other people; it’s for you.” She clarified her statement by offering something akin to one of the Internet quotes often attributed to the Buddha:
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
Forgiving my mom was about unconditionally accepting: myself as an incredibly flawed individual, my mom as a doubtlessly fallible human being, and life as an imperfectly disappointing experience at times. Letting go of the proverbial hot coal is what forgiveness is all about.
In true existentialist fashion, Eminem concludes his second verse by stating:
So, mom, please accept this as a tribute
I wrote this on the jet, I guess I had to
Get this off my chest; I hope I get the chance to
Lay it ‘fore I’m dead, the stewardess said to fasten
My seatbelt, I guess we’re crashin’
So, if I’m not dreamin’, I hope you get this message that
I will always love you from afar, ‘cause you’re my mom
Eminem’s use of “had to” represents a preferential should statement. In essence, he’s saying, “Preferentially, I should get this off my chest before I inevitably die.” The lyricist then goes on to describe the potential of death stemming from an airplane crash.
When working with clients, I use an existentialist lens through which people are encouraged to unconditionally accept death as much as they do in regard to life. After all, each and every one of us will surely die. This includes you and me, and everyone we’ve ever known.
Given this perspective, life is little more than “headlights shining in the dark night I drive on,” as expressed by Ruess. We’re here for a moment, with piercing light in the midst of darkness that is an unescapable death, and what we choose to do with our time can make a world of difference.
Presumably, Eminem understands this lesson. Thankfully, The Marshall Mathers LP 2 was released in 2013, a little over a decade before the lyricist’s mom reportedly died on December 2, 2024. According to one source:
While Eminem conceded that he loved his mother and felt compassion for her and their public sparring came to an end, Debbie’s death puts an end to a bitter feud that was never able to be resolved.
On September 24, 2021, I received notice from an estranged uncle that my mom was “on her deathbed.” Similar to Eminem, I maintained rational compassion for my mom at the time of her death; though we never mended a bond that perhaps wasn’t truly attached in the first place.
On the album version of “Headlights,” Ruess beautifully sings:
I want a new life (Start over)
One without a cause (Clean slate)
So I’m coming home tonight (Yeah)
Well, no matter what the cost
And if the plane goes down
Or if the crew can’t wake me up
Well, just know that I’m alright
I was not afraid to die
Oh, even if there’s songs to sing
Well, my children will carry me
Just know that I’m alright
I was not afraid to die
Because I put my faith in my little girls
So I’ll never say goodbye cruel world
Just know that I’m alright
I am not afraid to die
I guess we are who we are
Headlights shining in the dark night, I drive on
Maybe we took this too far
I want a new life
Regarding all the hip hop tracks of which I can currently recollect there’s not a more exquisitely melancholic ending to a rap song than this version of “Headlights.” Then again, this is my subjective opinion.
All the same, and unlike what Ruess expressed on the track, I don’t want a new life. This is because, as Ruess adequately stated in “Headlights,” “Just know that I’m alright. I am not afraid to die.”
Life has had its ups and downs, most of which I wouldn’t care to again experience if given the opportunity—and this includes even the joyous and pleasurable moments. Currently, I value a “good enough” standard of rational living. As such, desire for a new life isn’t within me.
Ultimately, I hope that Eminem is able to achieve and/or maintain peace during this moment in his life. May he experience a good enough method of rational living that I discovered through frequent practice of REBT.
Perhaps you’ve endured a less than desirable childhood, as well. Maybe you’re at odds with a loved one, because of your beliefs about matters within the past. You don’t have to suffer in such a manner.
Would you like to know more about using the remaining moments of your headlights functioning within the dark before you depart existence in your current form? As long as you’re alive and able to read this blogpost, it isn’t too late.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
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