For many years, I experienced discomfort with goodbyes—concluding remarks or gestures at parting. Perhaps due to use of magical thinking, I thought that if I didn’t say “goodbye” I could somehow prevent the parting of ways from serving as a final opportunity to connect with others.
Reflecting upon this matter through the lens of rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT), I now recognize that I didn’t merely use wacky thinking for all those years; I also employed the use of unhelpful beliefs about the parting of ways in order to disturb myself into a fearful disposition.
When discussing this matter it may be useful to know about the two main techniques of REBT. These helpful tools are (1) the ABC model and (2) unconditional acceptance (UA). Allow me to briefly discuss these two methods.
First, REBT theory maintains that when an unexpected Activating event occurs and a person uses an irrational Belief about the situation, it’s one’s unhelpful attitude and not the undesirable circumstance that causes unpleasant emotional, bodily sensation, and behavioral Consequences.
To provide an example of personal self-disturbance in regard to goodbyes, humor me an anecdote. This event occurred 24 years ago when I was assigned to the Marine Security Guard detachment in Lima, Peru.
While serving my diplomatic security mission, I met a number of missionaries who were temporarily tasked with various religious objectives within Peru. One in particular, I’ll call her “person X,” became romantically involved with my Marine roommate.
I thought person X was the nicest person I’d met in Peru and I was quite fond of her. Of course, as is the case of an impermanent and uncertain existence, all moments shall inevitably pass. Thus, I found myself at a Peruvian airport parting ways with person X (Activating event).
Noteworthy, there was no Action-Consequence connection that played a role in the fear of never seeing person X again. Rather, there was a Belief-Consequence connection that caused my unpleasant emotional experience.
I was parting ways with person X (Action) and magically thought that by not saying “goodbye” I could somehow prevent the finality of the moment. That’s when I unfavorably Believed, perhaps on an unconscious level, “Goodbyes must never be final, because they’re awful experiences!”
Not always are self-disturbing assumptions immediately available or understood. Often, people think something like, “If I don’t say ‘goodbye,’ then I’ll be able to see this person again.” Here, the inferred meaning is as I expressed in regard to parting ways with person X.
Through use of my unfavorable Belief, I experienced fear (emotion) and prevented myself from telling person X goodbye (behavior). Those unpleasant Consequences kept me from properly sending person X off, as I hesitantly told her instead, “Until we meet again.”
It’s been 24 years since I essentially lied to person X, as I’ve not seen her since. Equally, it was over two decades ago that I lied to myself through use of magical thinking.
Looking back on that moment, I’m reminded of an electronic dance music (EDM) track that was released a year after parting ways with person X. According to one source:
“The Sound of Goodbye” is a song by Dutch disc jockey and producer Armin van Buuren under his alias Perpetuous Dreamer. It features uncredited vocals from Dutch singer Elles De Graf. The song was released on 31 August 2001 in the Netherlands.
Lyrics from the track state, “Sometimes, the sound of goodbye is louder than any drumbeat.” The inference is that an individual who uses this self-disturbing personal narrative likely believes that goodbyes are so awful that parting is unbearable. This is where the ABC model comes in handy.
Rather than remaining self-disturbed, an individual is invited to try Disputation which may lead to an Effective new belief that’s used in place of an unproductive self-narrative. With the ABC model, a person learns to stop needless suffering which is caused by unhelpful assumptions.
For the second method of addressing self-disturbance, REBT uses the technique of UA. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance, unconditional other-acceptance, and unconditional life-acceptance.
For instance, what would likely have occurred if I had told myself 24 years ago, “Although I don’t like parting ways with person X, all moments inevitably pass – pleasurable, neutral, and painful alike”? I probably would’ve been slightly sad about telling a friend goodbye.
However, I would’ve actually been able to say “goodbye,” because self-induced fear that stems from unfavorable beliefs would’ve been altogether alleviated. I think mild sorrow in regard to a goodbye is appropriate. Moreover, I maintain that it’s tolerable. What do you think?
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost EDM-influenced REBT psychotherapist—promoting content related to EDM, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
Ellesdegraaf.net. (n.d.). Elles de Graaf [Official website]. Retrieved from https://www.ellesdegraaf.net/
EuroTrance Club. (2016, May 16). Perpetuous Dreamer - Sound of Goodbye [Video]. YouTube. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/Oa0xNPVyHn8?si=Y9hCg3__RQsDXQq3
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Wikipedia. (n.d.). Armin van Buuren. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Armin_van_Buuren
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Wikipedia. (n.d.). The Sound of Goodbye (Perpetuous Dreamer song). Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Sound_of_Goodbye_(Perpetuous_Dreamer_song)
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