Photo credit (edited), photo credit (edited), fair use
Although I’ve seen this exact discussion on Reddit in the past, I recently saw the photo on the left, in the image above, in the meirl (me in real life) subreddit discussion thread. The behavior addressed by the Redditor relates to ghosting, as one source describes this phenomenon thusly:
Ghosting, simmering and icing are colloquial terms that describe the practice of suddenly ending all communication and avoiding contact with another person without any apparent warning or explanation and ignoring any subsequent attempts to communicate.
Have you been ghosted before? I have. Prior to knowing anything about Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I disturbed myself quite a bit with unfavorable beliefs about the matter. To understand what I mean, I invite you to consider the function of the ABC model.
REBT theory maintains that when an undesirable Action occurs and a person uses an irrational Belief about the situation, it’s one’s unhelpful attitude and not the unexpected circumstance that causes unpleasant cognitive, emotional, sensational, and behavioral reactions as Consequences.
From a psychological standpoint, people disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.
For example, when a friend once ghosted me (Action) and I Believed, “This shouldn’t happen and I can’t stand when people abruptly stop communicating with me,” it was my unfavorable belief (B-C) and not the ghosting behavior (A-C) that caused sorrow (Consequence).
Thus, an REBT view of ghosting is in contrast to what one source states, “Ghosting is inherently ambiguous because there is a lack of explanation for why the relationship ended. For the person who has been ghosted, it can lead to significant feelings of rejection, guilt, grief, and shame.”
Rather than remaining self-disturbed, an individual is invited to try Disputation which may lead to an Effective new belief that’s used in place of an unproductive self-narrative. With the ABC model, a person learns to stop needless suffering which is caused by unhelpful assumptions.
Admittedly, not only have I been ghosted, I’ve ghosted other people. Have you? Not always is this an inappropriate step to take. According to one source:
Sometimes disappearing is necessary. If the person starts to make you feel at all uncomfortable, you will have to weigh your decision to vanish. Perhaps, the person shows anger that feels dangerous and unsafe.
Or the person does not appear to have boundaries such as contacting someone else you dated, looking for information. Or the person may start showing dark traits of manipulation, lying, and other forms of deceit.
Rather than assuming a victimhood narrative, I encourage people to take personal responsibility and accountability for their reactions to beliefs about having been ghosted. For instance, one Redditor in the meirl subreddit advocated a helpful technique in regard to ghosting by stating:
Done this with platonic friends too. Spent years talking to someone daily. She never initiated. Finally thought “hmmm. What happens if I stop?” Never heard from her again. It’s been seven years.
I view this helpful technique as a function of the scientific method. Regarding this approach to life, one source states:
The overall process involves making conjectures (hypotheses), predicting their logical consequences, then carrying out experiments based on those predictions to determine whether the original conjecture was correct. However, there are difficulties in a formulaic statement of method.
Though the scientific method is often presented as a fixed sequence of steps, these actions are more accurately general principles. Not all steps take place in every scientific inquiry (nor to the same degree), and they are not always done in the same order.
Rather than continuing unproductive ghosting behavior as I used to, I now productively conduct behavioral experiments when I find that I’m the main contributor to relationships of various sorts (e.g., friendships) or when I’m the main person initiating contact. Here’s how it works.
Almost every Marine with whom I once served apparently contacted me only in response to my attempts to initiate contact with them (Action). This realization was the first step of observation in the scientific method.
I then gathered evidence in order further explore this matter. For instance, I looked at past emails, texts, and other sources to determine who it was that usually initiated contact. This was the second step in the method.
Rather than using an irrational Belief, I Effectively considered, “What would happen if I stopped initiating contact for three months? I suspect that I won’t hear from my friends.” This curious approach to life served as a hypothesis which was the third step in the scientific method.
For the fourth step, testing with experiment, I simply stopped initiating contact with my Marine friends. At the end of three months, I analyzed the data. This fifth step of the method was fairly straight forward, as I hadn’t received contact from any of the Marines that I was assessing.
The final step of the scientific method is reporting conclusions. This is done so that experiments may be replicated and analyzed accordingly. However, I chose not to report to my Marine friends what I discovered. Instead, I extended the experiment.
Typically, on Veteran’s Day—the only holiday that I recognize—I’m the individual who initiates contact with former military personnel with whom I maintain association. Rather than doing so on the holiday following my initial experiment, I forewent initiating contact.
My new working hypothesis was that I wouldn’t hear from my friends unless I first contacted them. As suspected, there was radio silence—absence of communication from a person or group from whom communication might have been expected.
Regarding this matter, I wasn’t self-disturbed. Instead, I productively concluded that I’d been ghosted only until I initiated contact. Usually, brief contact was allowed with the people who I thought were my friends—Marines for whom I once pledged to die or kill for.
Prior to learning about REBT, my unfavorable belief about ghosting of this sort was similar to what lyricist Scarface said on his song “Street Life” when stating, “I thought I had friends, but I ain’t got no fuckin’ friends.” 2Pac featured this sample on his track “Fuck All Y’all,” as well.
The distorted inference of that statement is that one should, must, or ought to have friends. Why should, must, or ought this to be the case? People are self-determined and autonomous actors, and they’re free to maintain contact with me or ghost me if they choose.
Therefore, when I helpfully used the scientific method to reveal who among my friends was little more than fallible human beings with whom I wasn’t entitled contact, I then productively removed these people from my life. And that healthy measure has remained in effects ever since.
Moreover, I then notified everyone within my inner circle about my three-month scientific method results. As such, I practice evidence-based rational living which guides how I approach ghosting in my personal life. As well, people in my life are well-informed of my expectations.
For instance, regarding ghosting behavior, I’ve included specific verbiage in the informed consent documentation for the clients with whom I work in my professional life. This, too, is a rational approach to life. There aren’t hidden expectations which people are expected to honor.
Noteworthy, REBT is a scientific approach to mental, emotional, and behavioral health. The scientific method related to ghosting described herein is an example of a means for living in an un-disturbed way. What do you think about this avenue to well-being?
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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