On his masterfully-executed 2023 album Hope, lyricist Nathan Feuerstein, known by his initials NF (stylized as ИF) released a track entitled “Happy.” The second verse and chorus are as follows:
[Verse 2]
Yeah, been this way so long
It feels like somethin’s off when I’m not depressed
I got some issues that I won’t address
I got some baggage I ain’t opened yet
I got some demons I should put to rest
I got some traumas that I can’t forget
I got some phone calls I been avoidin’
Some family members I don’t really connect with
Some things I said, I wish I would’a not let slip
Some hurtful words that never should’a left my lips
Some bridges burned, I’m not ready to rebuild yet
Some insecurities I haven’t dealt with, yes
I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a lonely soul
And the last to admit I need a hand to hold
Losin’ hope, headed down a dangerous road
Strange, I know, but I feel most at home when I’m
[Chorus]
Livin’ in my agony
Watchin’ my self-esteem
Go up in flames, acting like I don’t
Care what anyone else thinks
When I know truthfully
That that’s the furthest thing from how I
Feel, but I’m too proud to open up and ask ya
To pick me up and pull me out this hole I’m trapped in
The truth is I need help, but I just can’t imagine
Who I’d be if I was happy
NF’s lyrics remind me of my cognitive and emotive state from two decades past. When not depressed, it seemed as though something was off. Likewise, when not embroiled in chaos, I was uncomfortable.
It wasn’t as though I was unaware of the notion that something was wrong with me, as NF’s lyrics suggest regarding the lyricist’s own experience. Deep within me, I was terrified by notions of an alternative route from the personal Hell in which I was trapped.
Fear, anger, sorrow, and disgust I knew well, though happiness was a foreign concept to me. In essence, I was frightened of being happy. It appears as though NF understands that condition, as well.
The American Psychological Association (APA) defines fear as “a basic, intense emotion aroused by the detection of imminent threat, involving an immediate alarm reaction that mobilizes the organism by triggering a set of physiological changes.” Also, fear is a core human emotion.
Additionally, the APA defines happiness as “an emotion of joy, gladness, satisfaction, and well-being.” Like fear, joy is a core human emotion. However, I conceptualize happiness as more of an experience than merely a feeling. Clarifying this matter, I stated in a blogpost entitled Happiness Is a Trap:
By “happiness,” I’m referring to the positive or pleasant state of intense joy or a pleasurable experience. This is different than contentment which is simply the experience of satisfaction with one’s possessions, status, or situation.
For instance, one may experience pleasure through sexual intercourse and joy when the product of sexual activity results in the birth of a newborn child. These pleasurable and joyous states are transient, though people tend to seek them as though these elements are destinations (e.g., the pursuit of happiness).
On the other hand, one may be content in life with not having too many or too few possessions, having attained a reasonable degree of success, or merely by not enduring unexpected and prolonged suffering (i.e., not being joyful, fearful, angry, sorrowful, or disgusted though pleased with neutrality).
Through my practice of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I encourage clients to consider that this psychotherapeutic modality is designed to help people get better and not merely feel better. Feeling happy may be nice though getting keys to free oneself from a personal Hell is arguably better.
I clarify this matter, because it isn’t uncommon for people to discuss happiness as a destination for the work we do together. Meanwhile, they return to agony when happiness fades. In a blog entry entitled Happiness Is a By-Product, I advocated well-being rather than happiness by stating:
As happiness is a fleeting by-product of pursuing one’s aims, I’ve witnessed people disturb themselves into dreadful moods by chasing after this ephemeral ambition. However, if one is open to a good enough standard, sustainable psychological well-being can be attained regardless of whether or not one achieves happiness or can sustain “good vibes.”
I recall expressing this perspective with a now ex-girlfriend and a separate close friend many years ago. Both individuals, who didn’t know one another, told me they’d likely commit suicide if they shared my worldview. In essence, they’d choose proverbial Hell over being well.
Their responses were precisely the sort tied directly to irrational beliefs about happiness as some form of destination. Demandingness expressed by both individuals essentially maintains that one must be happy in life or else life isn’t worth living. To Hell with that!
Rigid assumptions of this kind are a choice, as is the suffering which follows from such attitudes. On the other hand, it’s one thing to disturb oneself with unhelpful demands about happiness and another matter altogether to fear the prospect of happiness – even in its fleeting form.
In “Happy,” NF gives a voice to my past experience of fright regarding happiness by stating, “I just can’t imagine who I’d be if I was happy.” Agony was the proverbial and unpleasant devil I knew, though happiness was the terrifying devil I didn’t know.
Fear of happiness can keep a person in perpetual torment when using low frustration tolerance and awfulizing beliefs such as, “I can’t stand the thought of trying to achieve happiness, because if I fail when striving to be happy it would be awful to have tried and been unsuccessful!”
Therefore, it makes sense that NF would confess to dodging issues, evading emotional baggage, allowing mental demons to fester, remembering trauma, and avoiding phone calls from those who love him. I’ve been there, too. It was Hell!
Likewise, I understand how the lyricist expresses being unable to otherwise connect with family members, allowing slippage of problems while unintentionally letting various unflattering expressions to have slipped, burning metaphorical bridges without repairing damage, and foregoing the process of dealing with insecurity.
NF’s words are especially meaningful to me, as the lyricist apparently experiences his own mental, emotional, and behavioral health issues in real life, as do I. According to one source:
Feuerstein was diagnosed with OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) after the Perception tour in 2018. After the tour, he revealed that he was not well mentally and admitted himself into therapy where he was diagnosed. Feuerstein also has a history with depression and anxiety. Feuerstein has been very open about his mental health and translates his battles into his music.
Talking about mental health and personal struggles is what makes his music appealing to his fan base. With his most recent album, Hope, Feuerstein claimed that his OCD had made it harder to produce an album, with Hope taking over a year and a half to create. He became fixated on the music, which made it harder to make a song that he enjoyed. As a result, Feuerstein has consulted a therapist specializing in OCD.
I applaud NF’s openness and apparent decision to seek treatment and management of his symptoms. Hope is what led to me consider NF a lyricist rather than merely a rapper. In any case, I’m glad the album exists and that “Happy” reminds me of how far I’ve come in my life of contentment.
Fear of happiness can essentially cause one to suffer in Hell of one’s own creation. However, things don’t have to be that way. There’s no logical reason why you should, must, or ought to be miserable if a healthy model such as REBT exists in order to help you get better.
This is a hopeful message, because there’s an alternative to despair which is in essence the message inscribed on the gate of your personal Hell. If you’d like to know more about the keys to freeing yourself from such agony and the process of getting better, I’m here to help.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost old school hip hop REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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