In 2007, when living in Bomb City, a friend of mine (“Tweety”) introduced me to the song “Far Behind” from the punk rock band Social Distortion and which was featured on their Greatest Hits album. That was the same year in which the photo above was captured.
In the picture are people who I once considered friends and acquaintances. Now, I have no contact with any of them. When reflecting upon this matter, I draw upon a Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) perspective while considering the lyrics of “Far Behind.”
First verse –
With friends like you, who needs enemies?
You ain’t right, you ain’t never gonna be
You’re out of the car, I’m afraid you’ve been declined
You shake my hand while you’re pissing on my leg
I’m cuttin’ you loose, I don’t need this misery
Your soul is toxic, you ain’t no friend of mine
I’ve been in many relationships of the friend variety and asked, “With friends like you, who needs enemies?” My distorted inference was that behavior of friends should, must, or ought to be distinguishable from enemies.
Perhaps you’re reading this and asking yourself, “What do you mean by ‘distorted inference,’ because friends really should behave different than how enemies act, right?” From an REBT outlook, I’d ask you to consider what type of should statement you’re utilizing.
Are you using a helpful and flexible recommendatory should belief, whereby friends behaving similarly to enemies doesn’t result in self-disturbance to the degree that you become angry? If so, there’s nothing inherently irrational about this type of belief that could lead to disappointment.
However, if you’ve used an unhelpful and inflexible absolutistic should belief, as was the case when Tweety and I parted ways, then you’ve likely disturbed yourself in a similar fashion to me by believing, “Friends absolutely shouldn’t behave like my enemies!” That belief caused anger.
Similar to the lyrics of “Far Behind,” I maintained, “You ain’t right, you ain’t never gonna be.” That, too, played a key role in my belief-consequence (B-C) connection of self-disturbance, as demonstrated by the ABC model of REBT.
REBT theory maintains that when an undesirable Action occurs and a person uses an irrational Belief about the situation, it’s one’s unhelpful attitude and not the undesirable circumstance that causes unpleasant cognitive, emotive, bodily sensation, and behavioral Consequences.
When unfavorably believing that Tweety wasn’t “right” and was “never gonna be,” it was as though I told myself that she—the entirety of her very being—was wrong, deficient, or worthless and would forever more remain that way. That belief is known as a global evaluation in REBT.
Also referred to as other-downing, I unproductively rated Tweety as an altogether worthless individual. Add that negatively-appraised belief to my absolutistic should form of demandingness and my B-C outcome was one of self-upset anger, disgust, and resentment.
Rather than remaining self-disturbed, REBT invites people to try Disputation which may lead to an Effective new belief that’s used in place of an unproductive self-narrative. With the ABC model, a person learns to stop needless suffering which is caused by unhelpful assumptions.
As an example of a plausible description without use of a self-upsetting schema, the Social Distortion song states, “You shake my hand while you’re pissing on my leg. I’m cuttin’ you loose, I don’t need this misery.”
When merely describing (representing what is observed) rather than prescribing (unhelpfully demanding) what simply is and not what one believes ought to be, you allow yourself an opportunity to portray an action without needlessly disturbing yourself with a belief.
Perhaps your friend metaphorically pisses on your leg (disrespects you, belittles you, etc.) and you productively conclude, “I’m cuttin’ you loose, I don’t need this misery;” then, congratulations! You’ve effectively used the REBT technique of unconditional other-acceptance.
This occurs when recognizing your own imperfection, acknowledging that other people are also fallible, and admitting truth about your inability to control – and high likelihood of not being able to influence – other people. Thus, leaving some people “far behind” may be necessary.
While I agree with the Social Disorder conclusion “you ain’t no friend of mine” when friends you’d flexibly prefer not to behave as enemies display actions which become indistinguishable from that of one’s foes, I disagree with the globally-evaluative line “your soul is toxic.”
Friends who act like enemies are merely fallible human beings who may toxically behave like your foes, though people aren’t their behavior. Thus, as far as I’m concerned, there are no “toxic” souls or people.
Second verse –
You talk real trash when I’m not around
To build yourself up, you gotta to tear me down
You’ll have to excuse me, I’ve got better things to do
You smile through your teeth, you talk out your neck
Every chance you get, you’re gonna stab my back
Your time’s run out, I’ve got nothing left for you
Unfortunately, the line “you talk real trash when I’m not around; to build yourself up, you gotta to tear me down” is applicable to my past behavior in regard to Tweety. When I self-disturbed with unproductive beliefs, it was me who behaved in a toxic manner.
I’m not ashamed to admit this, because I use the REBT technique of unconditional self-acceptance. This is accomplished by admitting that I’m a flawed individual who, even though I wish it wasn’t the case, remains capable of behaving poorly. Thus, I behaved toxically.
Still, I don’t maintain an unfavorable and conditional should belief about whom and what I am. As an example, I don’t believe, “Only if I behave perfectly will I accept myself.” I’ll never meet such a rigidly conditional expectation. So I admit my flaws and simply try to improve them.
All the same, I don’t blame Tweety if instead of using a B-C connection with which to self-disturb, she helpfully concluded as Social Distortion stated, “You’ll have to excuse me, I’ve got better things to do.” From this perspective, perhaps I’m the one who was left “far behind.”
Of course, life being the imperfect experience it is – one worthy of unconditional life-acceptance – I’m the individual who all these years later convinced myself that I concluded about Tweety, “Your time’s run out, I’ve got nothing left for you.” Either way, she’s “far behind.”
Chorus –
I’m leaving you far behind
I’m leaving you far behind
So I’ve wasted all of my time
I’m leaving you far behind
Regardless of whether or not Tweety left me far behind or vice versa, the fact remains that we’re no longer in contact. When an individual rationally concludes – in accordance with both logic and reason – that it’s time to leave a friendship, there’s no need to further waste time.
This is a lesson in existentialism, which I also use in my approach to REBT. Not intentionally oversimplifying the matter, each and every living being will inescapably die. Before that unknown time comes, you can assign purpose and meaning to your life.
To state things plainly, purpose is what you do and meaning is worth derived from what you do. If remaining in a friendship headed nowhere isn’t purposeful or meaningful, and you realize that you’re wasting your time trying to otherwise influence someone, why not leave them far behind?
There’s no need to self-disturb about this matter. After all, life is an impermanent and uncertain experience. Personally, the chorus of “Far Behind” is apropos to rational living. Of course, many people disagree with this perspective.
Even within my field of practice – mental, emotional, and behavioral health – I’ve heard of psychotherapists shaming people who choose not to irrationally collect other people anymore. I reject such behavior from my colleagues.
If you’re able to exert influence and mend a dying friendship, wonderful. I’m all for that. Tweety and I both tried to repair our ailing relationship. All the same, when it was time to walk away, we ended up “far behind” one another – no matter who initiated the walking behavior.
That was the healthiest option of the limited possibilities available at the time. As such, I’ve achieved a level of contentment by tolerating and accepting what simply is and by not unhelpfully demanding that it ought to be another way. I hope the same is true for Tweety.
Third verse –
So I’m pulling out the weeds, I’m taking stock
You can talk the talk, but can’t walk the walk
Your narcissistic ways have gotten the best of you
So I’m leaving you to sink, in all your glory
For you and me, it’s the end of the story
Get out of my way, I’ve got better things to do
Reflecting upon the third verse, I laugh to myself. This is because in 2007, I don’t recall the term “narcissistic” being used nearly as much as it is today. Virtually anyone’s ways are deemed “narcissistic” nowadays. Yet, I digress.
I appreciate the empowering lyrics of the third verse. They reflect the humanistic approach to well-being offered by REBT, which abandons a victimhood narrative while advocating use of personal responsibility and accountability (collectively “ownership”).
Is your friendship damaged beyond repair? Have you tried doing something to effect change? Were your efforts fruitless, even repeatedly? Are you a victim of circumstance? Are you prepared to take ownership of your life and leave someone far behind if necessary?
Although I can’t take full credit for the dissolution of my friendship with Tweety, I can verify that for the other people in the photo above there were mutual narratives of “get out of my way, I’ve got better things to do” for each of us. Alas, friends and acquaintances come and go.
Chorus x3 and outro –
With friends like you, who needs enemies?
You ain’t right, you ain’t never gonna be
Your soul is toxic, you ain’t no friend of mine
Ultimately, I’m grateful that Tweety introduced me to “Far Behind” and that I can now reflect upon this song from an REBT perspective. When friends behave like enemies or in a toxic fashion and you realize that the action is unlikely to change, what will you do?
Will you self-disturb using a B-C connection? I know I’ve done this before, and there’s no shame in that. Still, I wonder if self-upset serves your interests and goals. Is causing yourself to experience anger, disgust, and resentment helpful?
If not, is leaving someone far behind perhaps a better use of the relatively little time you have left in this life? Notice that nowhere stated herein have I advocated a “fun” or “easy” method of rational living. Letting go of a close friend can be difficult, though it isn’t truly awful.
Still, if you’re willing to self-advocate, stop playing the role of a victim, attempt to influence when and where you can, and empower yourself to leave people “far behind” if or when necessary, then perhaps you’re ready to practice REBT. Otherwise, waste all of your time.
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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