If memory serves me well, my sisters and I referred to ourselves as the “Three Bads” when we were children. I recall the name having something to do with the fact that when our mom was out of the home we would record ourselves using profane language on cassette tapes.
What did it mean to be a member of the Three Bads? Was I a bad child? What would it have meant to instead have been a good boy? Contemplating this matter, I consider duality.
The term duality may describe the quality or state of having two different or opposite parts or elements. Whereas my sisters and I attempted to behave in a “good” manner around our mom, when she was away we’d act “bad” in dualistic fashion, or so our personas would’ve suggested.
During that same point in my life, my mom referred to me as “momma’s little angel” when she was pleased with my behavior. When unappreciative of my actions, my mom would condemn my behavior by yelling as she physically struck me, “In the name of Jesus, I rebuke you, demon!”
Just as the Three Bads represented duality, I formed a dualistic identity in regard to behavior which was said to have denoted who I was. Depending on how I behaved, I was either a good or bad boy.
The problem with the distinction formed by my young mind is that I was never my behavior. What I do or do not do doesn’t imply who I am or am not. I was merely a little boy who sometimes behaved in a pleasing manner and sometimes in a displeasing manner.
At the root of “good” and “bad” was a child. From a Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) perspective, I was little more than a fallible human being. I was neither an angel nor a demon. I was a boy—human male under the age of majority.
I don’t blame my late mom, a mentally unwell person, for labeling me as she did. Likewise, I don’t look back at three children with underdeveloped brains and think, “How stupid were they for calling themselves ‘bad’?” Instead, I use unconditional acceptance regarding both matters.
When contemplating this topic, I consider a lesson of dualism in cosmology. More succinctly, I think of moral dualism which one source describes thusly:
Moral dualism is the belief of the great complement of, or conflict between, the benevolent and the malevolent. It simply implies that there are two moral opposites at work, independent of any interpretation of what might be “moral” and independent of how these may be represented.
As a young boy, I sometimes behaved in a subjectively “good” or “bad” manner. By now refraining from the attachment of descriptions regarding who I was, I acknowledge the duality of my behavior in childhood.
Whether or not such actions were complementary or conflictual is another matter altogether. Did my good behavior serve me well? I suppose if I conducted myself in a manner that allowed my mom not to be inconvenienced, I was well-served by my actions.
In essence, I wasn’t beaten when my behavior was perceived as angelic. Contrarily, my supposed demonic behavior didn’t serve me well when the inflexible demands of my mom weren’t honored.
The conflict between “good” and “bad” in this regard served as a lesson to be learned. If I wanted hugs and kisses from my mom, I should, must, or ought to have behaved in a manner that was pleasing to her.
Although I could tolerate being beaten to the ground, stomped on, kicked, and spat upon for displeasing behavior, I learned how to alter my actions when around my mom. A member of the Three Bads or not, I didn’t prefer child abuse to the expressed appreciation from my mom.
Therefore, whether or not my actions were complementary or conflictual would result in the duality of how I was treated by my mom. This was an invaluable lesson for me, because I learned how to reduce the frequency of mental, emotional, and physical abuse I endured.
Further contemplating this matter, I think of the song “Duality” by rapper Nuse Tyrant, produced by Clypto, and featuring a vocal sample from the late philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti. Regarding the latter, the philosopher states (in unsegmented form):
And in examining yourself, since there is no authority, you are looking at yourself as you are. But in our consciousness there is this duality – the good and the bad. So we are always looking with the eyes of the good and also with the eyes of the bad, so there is a conflict. I don’t know if you follow. Now we are trying to eliminate all conflict altogether. That is only possible when you observe without any choice – just to observe yourself. Therefore, in that way, you eliminate the conflict between the good and the bad. You understand? Do it, please, as we are talking about it. If you are serious, please do it together.
Krishnamurti advocated nonjudgmentally observing oneself beyond a perceivably inherent self-description of “good” and “bad.” In this way, it mattered very little how my mom referred to me or how my sisters and I referred to ourselves.
Perceivably each individual is capable on one’s own to consider oneself as good or bad. Krishnamurti invited his listeners to eliminate conflict associated with duality by essentially forming a third option – that of an unbiased observer.
In her book When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times, Tibetan Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön addresses a similar perspective by stating:
We are told from childhood that something is wrong with us, with the world, and with everything that comes along: it’s not perfect, it has rough edges, it has a bitter taste, it’s too loud, too soft, too sharp, too wishy-washy. We cultivate a sense of trying to make things better because something is bad here, something is a mistake here, something is a problem here. The main point of these methods is to dissolve the dualistic struggle, our habitual tendency to struggle against what’s happening to us or in us. These methods instruct us to move toward difficulties rather than backing away.
I agree with Chödrön, in that I was taught that something was wrong with me for how I behaved as a child. My imperfect mother behaved poorly; as did I, though neither of us were our behavior.
Additionally, I was taught that the world was imperfect, because it is. One finds it difficult to believe how anyone could seriously argue to the contrary.
REBT acknowledges inherent imperfection of the self, others, and life. Thus, unconditional self-, other-, and life-acceptance are techniques used to reduce self-disturbance and suffering when acknowledging truth: imperfection exists.
In any case, I appreciate Chödrön’s invitation to “move toward difficulties rather than backing away.” The REBT process of building high frustration tolerance rather than succumbing to low frustration tolerance is aligned with Chödrön’s perspective in this regard.
Admittedly, differentiating between “low” and “high” frustration tolerance is a matter of duality. Perhaps from a Krishnamurti or Chödrön perspective, one could merely sit with what simply is and without forming judgment concerning that which is unbiasedly observed.
It very well may be the case that these individuals would invite people to consider inaction rather than action – sit and observe while not altering any element about what is observable. I’m not opposed to this outlook. For those who are able to practice in such a manner, I applaud you.
Nevertheless, REBT theory encourages nonjudgment of oneself, others, and life for that imperfection that people can clearly observe. It’s the “action” versus “inaction” duality of distinctly different approaches addressed herein that perhaps creates conflict.
This is unsurprising, given that REBT is an active-directive approach to behavioral health. Therefore, and although I can appreciated what I interpret of the approaches offered by Krishnamurti and Chödrön, I opt for action and high frustration tolerance offered by REBT.
Ultimately, I was never truly a good or bad boy. Moreover, I don’t consider myself as a good or bad man. Addressing this matter, I stated in a blogpost entitled Good Man:
I don’t place a condition on myself as to whether or not I should, must, or ought to be a good man. Setting up the stipulation that I will only accept myself when dependent upon some arbitrary criteria could otherwise lead to self-disturbance.
Instead, I maintain that I’m a fallible human being who’s made many mistakes in the past, I currently have flaws, and I’ll continue being imperfect in the future. If one is to deem me morally, ethically, or philosophically unworthy of praise, I accept that.
I may’ve referred to myself as a member of the Three Bads when I was a child, though now I observe myself as is – without judgment or unnecessary condition. I’m fallible and I try to improve my life when, where, and how I can.
Perhaps you’ve been told about the dualistic nature of your behavior or your very essence. Do you find that labels such as “good” or “bad” serve your interests and goals in any meaningful way? If so, wonderful!
If not, would you like to know more about how to stop upsetting yourself with unhelpful beliefs related to duality? I practice REBT in my personal and professional life. Perhaps this active-directive approach to rational living may serve you as well as it does for me and the clients with whom I work.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost old school hip hop REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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Chödrön, P. (1997). When things fall apart: Heart advice for difficult times. Shambhala Publications, Inc. Retrieved from https://www.pdfdrive.com/when-things-fall-apart-heart-advice-for-difficult-times-d188151265.html
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