Although it seems like a lifetime ago, I recall from childhood the experience of being down bad—at one of the lowest points in life, often accompanied by the emotions of fear, anger, sorrow, or disgust. Enduring such misery, I remember wanting to die at nine-years-old.
After my dad and mom divorced when I was three-years-old, my late mom was granted custody of my sisters and I. With her, we lived in a state of poverty as we moved to various rental properties once our relatively short-term leases were expired. This occurred almost annually.
In most of the houses, we shared accommodations with roaches and mice. Thus, it wasn’t uncommon to find roaches which infiltrated the tightest spaces, such as the dial face of plugin radios. Likewise, I often discovered mouse droppings in the drawers containing my clothes.
Recipients of government assistance, I was familiar with subsidies such as government cheese and powdered milk. As well, we received food stamps at a time when there were physical coupons distributed to low income families.
Similarly, my sisters and I qualified for free lunch in some school districts and only reduced cost lunches in other districts. We depended on those meals for sustenance, whereas other children talked about having so much available food that they casually wasted their school lunches.
Regarding other kids, it was difficult to achieve and maintain lasting friendships. Because my family moved on an average of about once per year, I was bullied by children and adults, as I eventually made friends, and then it was off to another school in the following year.
To augment our nutritional needs, we utilized various food pantries around town. Additionally, hand-me-downs were a main source of clothing, as religious organizations would at times donate clothing, shoes, and school supplies to families in need. We received lots of charity.
As though our socioeconomic conditions weren’t impactful enough, my mom continually expressed hatred of me and one of my sisters. Unfortunate traumatic experiences resulted from repeated physical assaults with no shortage of verbally berating episodes.
As a family, we were really down bad. Equally, I reached a number of the lowest points in life when in the care of my mom. When reflecting upon that period of existence, I’m reminded of rapper Dan Diego’s song “Down Bad,” featuring K Camp. Dan Diego twice states in the chorus:
I remember when I was really down bad
Mama takin’ care of both of us with food stamps
Back then, as a youngin’, had to be a man
Growed up, now I’m in popular demand
Viewing the track through the lens of rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT), I recognize that use of the phrase “had to” relates to a form of demandingness, which could be considered as an irrational belief depending on context. As is the case with many instances in life, context matters.
As an example, Dan Diego suggests that “back then, as a youngin’, had to be a man,” which could be a rigid or flexible expression. Suppose that the rapper inflexibly demands that he had to take the place of a role model, or else his family may not survive.
Use of demandingness in this regard would constitute a conditional should belief. This occurs with an if-then inference. If Dan Diego didn’t behave as a man instead of as a child, then his family wouldn’t survive. Therefore, he should’ve behaved as a man at a young age.
I presume that, as was the indoctrination I received from a young age, being a man means – aside from the biological implication – one who provides for and protects his family. Thus, behaving as a man when Dan Diego was merely a child would likely cause unpleasant consequences.
Here, the ABC model of REBT illustrates a belief-consequence (B-C) connection. If the rapper’s belief was flexible and he failed at being able to keep his family together, he would likely endure disappointment while not experiencing unhealthy negative emotions.
However, the rigidity of a B-C connection is what causes self-disturbance which results in unpleasant emotions, bodily sensations, and behavior. Therefore, in the case of Dan Diego, his conditional should belief (“had to”) would likely cause a self-disturbed outcome.
I, too, unhelpfully used B-C connections when I was “really down bad,” as expressed by Dan Diego. Throughout childhood, I developed a victimhood narrative whereby I convinced myself that most other people, and even life itself, were dedicated to harming me.
Even though my mom, sisters, and I maintained relatively stable housing, it was as though I rendered myself as psychologically homeless. With unfavorable B-C connections, nowhere seemed like home to me. It took many years following my youth to stop victimizing myself.
Even into adulthood, prior to learning about REBT, I remained mentally and emotionally homeless, so to speak. Forgive my use of hyperbole. What I’m implying is that it’s a “down bad” situation to literally live in a houseless condition on the streets.
In my circumstance, I was virtually homeless, because I alienated myself from so many people with an unproductive B-C connection. My experience included instances in which I was detained in correctional facilities. Behavioral outcomes were thus accompanied by other consequences.
Regarding this matter, Dan Diego states in his first verse, “Been to jail a couple times, I ain’t goin’ back. Flat-broke, I ain’t never goin’ back to that.” So, too, is the manner in which I currently live my life. Importantly, it doesn’t matter how I was raised, not at this point in life.
I have little excuse for behaving in unhealthy ways. Therefore, I take personal responsibility and accountability for the manner in which I currently live from day-to-day. This method of rational living begins with acknowledging that I was really down bad at various points in my life.
Next, I refrain from blaming my mom, other children and adults, or anyone else for the hardship I once experienced. What was once done is now done and I can never change what occurred. Therefore, I use unconditional acceptance toward myself, others, and life.
I’m a fallible human being, other people are also flawed, and life is an imperfect experience. After acknowledging my difficult past and absolving anyone from blame, I then take personal ownership for my experience in this moment and regarding the direction into which I’m headed.
For instance, I despised the presence of vermin in my home as a child. Since I can’t change the past, I focus on the here-and-now. I can take care of my home in such a fashion that I can prevent roaches and mice from cohabitating with me.
I was once dawn bad, though I don’t have to live in similar conditions at present. Do you see how this flexible form of a preferential versus conditional should belief doesn’t cause self-disturbance, though instead promotes the concept of resilience? I prefer not to be down bad.
In hip hop, being down bad is sometimes referred to as “the struggle,” which one source describes as “the difficulty and danger that is faced, every day, by those of lower socio-economic class living in areas such as housing projects and ghettos.” Do you know the struggle?
Aside from colloquial use of the phrase “the struggle,” to struggle is defined as the ability to proceed with difficulty or with great effort. Thus, being down bad or enduring the struggle doesn’t imply impossibility. Regarding this matter, K Camp states in his verse:
Single mama with two kids, I know that shit was hell
Seen some shit off in my lifetime, I will never tell
I know that struggle, motherfucker, and I know it well
I did some shit that really could’ve had me in that cell
I’m a rapper, I’m a dawg; you cannot tear me down
If you can’t float ‘round with them currents, nigga, you gon’ drown
K Camp discussing resilience which is inherent in the struggle, for those willing not to self-disturb with unhelpful beliefs about their circumstances. Merely being down bad in one moment of life doesn’t necessarily mean that one will remain confined to that situation.
Like K Camp, “I did some shit that really could’ve had me in that cell”—and in fact did some things that landed me in pretrial detention. However, I turned around my circumstances from childhood and those situations I faced in adulthood which resulted in an incarcerated status.
That’s the difference between being down bad and remaining down bad. Are you with me on that? Simply because you’ve endured the struggle doesn’t mean you have to continue struggling in a similar manner. Still, I offer a word of caution to those who endure hardship.
It’s tough to struggle. Similarly, it’s not necessarily easy to overcome hardship. When practicing REBT, I invite people to expect difficulty when challenging unaccommodating beliefs. Hardship is a difficult experience and lying to oneself about how overcoming it must be easy isn’t wise.
Perhaps you’re currently down bad in life. Maybe like Bobby Womack said in his song “Across 110th Street,” you’ve been down so long that getting up hasn’t crossed your mind. If so, I know what it’s like to struggle in such a manner.
Nevertheless, you don’t have to stay down in that way. It took me a relatively long time to discover REBT and turn my life around. No matter where in your timeline you currently are, you’ve discovered REBT within this blogpost. Now, what will you do with this information?
Will you remain psychologically or hyperbolically homeless? Will you endure repeated periods of incarceration which result from not challenging your B-C connections? Will you assume a victimhood narrative while blaming others? If not, what will you do not to remain down bad?
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
Photo credit (edited), fair use
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