I recently listened to what I consider to be a fantastic set by DJ Yamatomaya in which she opened with the Tomas Heredia track “Desire.” Lyrics include, “I want you!”
To desire is to long or hope for someone or something. Typically, it relates to a conscious impulse toward something that promises enjoyment or satisfaction in its attainment.
As exemplified in Heredia’s song, a presumably female individual expresses that she wants someone. When practicing rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT), I recognize how one’s desire for someone or something may play a role in self-disturbance.
Preemptively, it’s worth reflecting upon what I stated in a blogpost entitled Desire and Disturbance (2022):
From the REBT perspective I use, there is nothing inherently unhelpful or unhealthy about desire. It’s when the desire is paired with demands of ourselves, others, and the world that self-disturbance may occur.
Highlighting this desire-demand distinction, a person voices desire when merely communicating, “I want you.” However, if this same individual rigidly demands, “I must have you,” then the latter statement may represent an expression of the self-disturbing variety.
Suppose that with a stated desire the person doesn’t receive that for which she longs. What emotional and behavioral response is likely to follow? Perhaps she will experience disappointment accompanied by sorrow, frowning, and sulking for a brief period of time.
Although not entirely useful, this consequential response stemming from non-fulfilment of a hopeful belief is understandable. Perhaps you, too, have desired someone or something and reacted in a similar fashion when your anticipated source of satisfaction wasn’t realized.
Now consider what outcome accompanies an inflexible demand for someone or something. Perhaps the individual who uses demandingness would experience passive-aggression accompanied by anger, a grimacing facial expression, and an attempt to provoke a physical confrontation.
Have you ever observed an adult who didn’t receive what was demanded and the individual went on an unhealthy tirade in response to self-disturbed beliefs? I’ve witnessed this experience too many times than I care to recall.
In a blog entry entitled Desire Much, but Need Very Little (2024), I remarked about the desire-demand distinction:
Imagine that I inflexibly believed, “I must be of help to my clients, because if I’m ineffective at increasing their level of functioning and quality of life, I don’t think that I could stand to continue on as a psychotherapist!” Would this rigid need-based declaration serve me well? No.
If I transitioned from merely desiring to outright demanding that I need to be of use to other people, or that I must be an exceptional therapist, then I’d likely under-serve my own interests and goals as well as perform poorly in regard to the people with whom I practice REBT.
When further contemplating this matter, I’m reminded of something the late psychologist Albert Ellis, who developed REBT, stated in his book Anger: How to live with and without it (page 39):
Years ago I referred in my writings, talks, and in my work with clients to the demandingness or commandingness of humans who feel disturbed. I indicated that if you desire, wish, or prefer to do well in life or to have others approve of you, such desiring alone rarely gets you into any kind of emotional difficulty.
Given Ellis’ perspective, desire alone isn’t significant enough as to lead one to the experience of suffering. I contend that even Buddhist practitioners may acknowledge that not all desire results in pain and misery.
For instance, Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön states in her book When Things Fall Apart: Heart advice for difficult times (page 52):
It’s also pretty obvious that people need help and that there’s no way to benefit anybody unless we start with ourselves. Our motivation for practicing begins to change, and we desire to become tamed and reasonable for the sake of other people.
I desire to try to help other people. In fact, I’ve dedicated my life to this pursuit since informally functioning as a life coach since 1991, and a psychotherapist since 2011. Nevertheless, I don’t illogically or unreasonably demand that I must help other people.
This is the key to not disturbing myself when desiring to try to help others. In consideration of the desire-demand distinction discussed herein, I want you to stop upsetting yourself with irrational beliefs. However, you are free to do as you please, and I don’t demand otherwise.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost electronic dance music (EDM)-influenced REBT psychotherapist—promoting content related to EDM, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
AEI. (n.d.). About Albert Ellis, Ph.D. Albert Ellis Institute. Retrieved from https://albertellis.org/about-albert-ellis-phd/
Anjunabeats. (2023, December 6). Tomas Heredia – Desire [Video]. YouTube. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/cVJPqZTtfH4?si=HMis3RVuAwHPLteS
Chödrön, P. (1997). When things fall apart: Heart advice for difficult times. Shambhala Publications, Inc. Retrieved from https://www.pdfdrive.com/when-things-fall-apart-heart-advice-for-difficult-times-d188151265.html
Ellis, A. and Lange, A. (2017). Anger: how to live with and without it. Citadel Press. Retrieved from https://archive.org/details/angerhowtolivewi00albe
Freepik. (n.d.). Renaissance portrait of woman as sun goddess [Image]. Retrieved from https://www.freepik.com/free-ai-image/renaissance-portrait-woman-as-sun-goddess_152518767.htm#fromView=search&page=2&position=11&uuid=34850d86-57b2-4e73-8dfa-c39a9348daf8
Heredia, T. (n.d.). Tomas Heredia [Official website]. Retrieved from http://tomasheredia.com/
Hollings, D. (2022, October 31). Demandingness. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/demandingness
Hollings, D. (2022, May 28). Desire and disturbance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/desire-and-disturbance
Hollings, D. (2024, January 10). Desire much, but need very little. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/desire-much-but-need-very-little
Hollings, D. (2022, March 15). Disclaimer. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/disclaimer
Hollings, D. (2023, September 8). Fair use. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/fair-use
Hollings, D. (2024, April 2). Four major irrational beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/four-major-irrational-beliefs
Hollings, D. (2023, October 12). Get better. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/get-better
Hollings, D. (n.d.). Hollings Therapy, LLC [Official website]. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/
Hollings, D. (2024, January 2). Interests and goals. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/interests-and-goals
Hollings, D. (2023, September 19). Life coaching. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/life-coaching
Hollings, D. (2023, January 8). Logic and reason. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/logic-and-reason
Hollings, D. (2022, December 2). Low frustration tolerance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/low-frustration-tolerance
Hollings, D. (2023, September 3). On feelings. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/on-feelings
Hollings, D. (2024, May 5). Psychotherapist. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychotherapist
Hollings, D. (2022, March 24). Rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT). Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-emotive-behavior-therapy-rebt
Hollings, D. (2024, January 4). Rigid vs. rigorous. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rigid-vs-rigorous
Hollings, D. (2022, November 1). Self-disturbance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-disturbance
Hollings, D. (2022, October 7). Should, must, and ought. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/should-must-and-ought
Hollings, D. (2023, September 6). The absence of suffering. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-absence-of-suffering
Wikipedia. (n.d.). Pema Chödrön. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pema_Ch%C3%B6dr%C3%B6n
Yamatomaya. (n.d.). Yamatomaya [Official website]. Retrieved from https://www.yamatomaya.com/
Yamatomaya. (2024, September 24). Yamatomaya #5 progressive house melodic techno mix × fire works drone show SEP Ⅱ ‘24(4K) [Video]. YouTube. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/A2HxhvliINA?si=WxW-re9ArfYrw7ws
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