Photo credit, property of Warner Bros., fair use
The above photo features a scene from the 1984 film Once Upon a Time in America in which the character Noodles visits a train station to observe the character Deborah, whom he’d raped in a previous seen, as she ventures off in pursuit of a better life while sentimental music softly plays.
Having recently watched the film, it was that moment in the movie that spawned an idea for the current blogpost. Before I go any further, allow me to subvert your expectations. The title of this post is intentionally misleading. As you read further, you may understand what I mean.
In Once Upon a Time in America, Noodles demonstrates numerous traits in relation to antisocial personality disorder (ASPD). Regarding this condition, the American Psychological Association (APA) Dictionary of Psychology clarifies:
[T]he presence of a chronic and pervasive disposition to disregard and violate the rights of others. Manifestations include repeated violations of the law, exploitation of others, deceitfulness, impulsivity, aggressiveness, reckless disregard for the safety of self and others, and irresponsibility, accompanied by lack of guilt, remorse, and empathy.
The disorder has been known by various names, including dyssocial personality, psychopathic personality, and sociopathic personality. It is among the most heavily researched of the personality disorders and the most difficult to treat.
In addition the APA position of ASPD being “the most difficult to treat,” I’ve received focused training for working with personality disorders and have worked with people diagnosed with ASPD. Regarding what I learned from professional training and experience, I stated in a blogpost entitled Psychopathy:
[T]he manual I received during the training process addressed psychopathic traits inherent in a person with ASPD as follows:
An Antisocial Personality Disordered person is one who does not care what is right or wrong, has no regard for consequence, does not learn from experience, is indifferent to what happens to other people, and is willing to do anything in order to get what they want and will harm anyone who interferes with them.
To my surprise, the individual who conducted my formal training course warned the class that the distinction between treatment and management is that the former attempts to heal a condition while the latter merely decreases episodic events. He also issued a further cautionary advisement.
The trainer outright stated that people with ASPD “are untreatable.” He added, “There is no evidence that psychotherapy works with antisocial, and there’s a lot of evidence that they just use it to con you and it can actually make them better psychopaths.”
In the case of Noodles, he began robbing and battering people, as well as engaging in voyeuristic activities, as a child. He then graduated to murdering people, participating in an illegal alcohol distribution network, and raping two women during the course of the film.
Even among members of his own criminal enterprise, Noodles became an informant for law enforcement authorities by snitching on his best friend. All the while, sentimental music plays during inappropriate scenes, presumably in attempt to garner sympathy for Noodles.
To what I imagine is the average person, Noodles would be described as a “toxic person.” When Googling “what is a toxic person” for this blogpost, the artificial intelligence (AI) overview provided the following answer:
A “toxic person” is someone who consistently exhibits negative behaviors that harm or significantly drain the emotional well-being of those around them, often through manipulation, excessive criticism, lack of empathy, or controlling tendencies, leaving others feeling stressed, anxious, or diminished in a relationship; essentially, they bring negativity and conflict into your life.
The Google AI response is largely consistent with an ASPD description and is illustrated by Noodles’ character. Unhelpfully, WebMD describes a toxic person as “anyone whose behavior upsets you and adds negativity to your life.” That’s a relatively all-inclusive description.
PsychCentral does a slightly better job by stating, “A toxic person is someone who is subtly or outwardly manipulative, self-centered, needy, or controlling. Their behavior is typically unpleasant or malicious toward others.” Here, focus on behavior and not the person is notable.
Not one to be outdone, Psychology Today throws in almost everything with exception of the proverbial kitchen sink by describing a toxic person thusly:
Toxic people have harmful behaviors that can have lasting impacts on those around them. They are often self-centered, manipulative, abusive, and lacking in empathy. They may be referred to as narcissistic, selfish, or sociopathic.
They may mask their negative traits by being charming or friendly. Toxic people may be family members, friends, coworkers, employers, neighbors, or leaders of organizations. Some common behaviors of toxic people include constant criticism, gaslighting, passive-aggressive behavior, and a need for power and control.
If you call this behavior to their attention, they may criticize you for having an issue with their behavior. They will then falsely portray themselves as the victim and you as the perpetrator.
Who could top that overly saturated description that’s full of therapy speak and psychobabble terminology? There’s little wonder as to why so many people I’ve observed on social media platforms, Mockingbird media sites, and in my sessions are confused about this topic.
Each of the aforementioned sources of information essentially depicts anyone with whom you’re displeased as an ASPD candidate. Cue the sentimental music and prepare for a post-rape experience at a train station, à la Once Upon a Time in America.
Now, about those subverted expectations which I mentioned early on, as well as my intention to initially mislead you with a clickbait title. From the perspective of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), there’s no such thing as “toxic people.” They simply don’t exist.
Rather, each person is a fallible human being who remains capable of behaving well, poorly, and otherwise. Rather than a “toxic person,” Noodles represents an imperfect individual meeting the criteria for an ASPD diagnosis and who acted poorly—albeit a lifelong behavioral demonstration.
Given this outlook, “dealing with toxic people” is fairly straightforward. Because there is no such category of human being, one cannot deal with a figment of one’s imagination other than to merely conclude with logical and reasonable determination that all people are flawed.
Nevertheless, we aren’t toxic. As expressed by Healthline, “It’s common to refer to these people as being toxic. But it’s important to keep in mind that this term isn’t grounded in psychology and doesn’t have a simple definition.” (Well done, Healthline!)
Still, I suspect that mere subversion of your expectations in order to make a point isn’t a sufficient enough place at which to end this blogpost. Thus, I imagine you conceding that while people aren’t toxic, their behavior can be displeasing, and you want to know what to do about it.
REBT offers two main techniques to address this issue. The first is the ABC model. Using this tool, you learn that it isn’t the behavior of others (Action) that leads to your displeasing response. Rather, it’s your unhelpful Belief about such behavior that causes an unpleasant Consequence.
The second technique is unconditional other-acceptance. Using this tool, you learn to accept—without unhelpful absolutistic or conditional beliefs—that other people are as fallible as you. This includes the imperfection of traits regarding people with ASPD—people like Noodles.
With this understanding, you aren’t likely to develop a victimhood complex offered by many sources listed herein—a woe-is-me approach to living by which you take no personal ownership for how you respond to so-called toxic behavior from fallible individuals.
Rather than perceiving yourself as some helpless victim of other people who don’t treat you in a manner that you unproductively demand, you could practice REBT as a self-help means of improving your life – as offered in the text How to Keep People From Pushing Your Buttons.
In conclusion, there are no “toxic people.” There are simply imperfect people who sometimes behave poorly, or even often—as is the case with ASPD examples. Rather than assuming the role of victim, you can empower yourself through diligent practice of REBT.
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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