In both instances of graduate school (counseling and social work), I was fascinated to learn about how feminist rhetoric influenced my perspective and that of my peers. Admittedly, for a relatively brief period of time, I identified as a feminist.
As I matured and realized that the power and control narrative was an ideological perspective I no longer supported, I abandoned feminism altogether. In part, I emphatically disagreed with the radical feminist viewpoint of males wielding power and control over females, rending girls and women powerless.
As well, I didn’t villainize masculinity. Understandably, many of my feminist educational peers remained captivated by irrational conclusions based on the premises of female issues stemming from so-called daddy issues. To better understand what I mean, consider the following narrative:
I have seen many of my friends with daddy issues going through a lot of painful experiences, but not recognizing that daddy issues were the root cause of them. I’ve seen women being constantly worried, possessive, and suspicious about the integrity of their relationships. A need for constant reassurance that kills any kind of love.
I’ve seen them seeking a partner who can deliver on what they have missed as a child. And obsessively compare themselves to previous women in the lives of their partners. I have seen many of them use sex as a way to build self-esteem or to feel accomplished with little to no emotional connection with the person they had it with. The description of emotional hell.
This disempowering narrative deprives women of personal agency as well as personal responsibility and accountability (collectively “ownership”). I consider such rhetoric irrational, as it doesn’t comport with logic and reason. For clarity, consider the following syllogism:
Form (composition) –
If p, then q; and if p, then r; therefore if p is true, then q and r are true.
Example –
If a female lacks a secure paternal bond, then a woman will develop daddy issues which will surely impact future intimate partner relationships.
And if a female lacks a secure paternal bond, then her daddy issues will inevitably absolve the woman from personal ownership of future behavior in romantic relationships.
Therefore, if it’s true that a female lacks a secure paternal bond, then it’s also true that a woman will develop daddy issues which will surely impact future intimate partner relationships and her daddy issues will inevitably absolve the woman from personal ownership of future behavior in romantic relationships.
While the logic of the syllogism follows a proper form, it isn’t reasonable. This is because there are variables for which the aforementioned female’s behavior remains unaccounted.
For instance, suppose the woman is physically abusive toward her intimate partners and this behavior better explains why her romantic relationships predictably dissolve – more so than does the fact that she lacked a secure paternal bond. Are “daddy issues” to blame in this case? No.
Furthermore, and for the feminists in the audience, males arguably aren’t solely responsible for intimate partner violence (IPV) referenced herein. For instance, one source reports:
Almost 24% of all relationships had some violence, and half (49.7%) of those were reciprocally violent. In nonreciprocally violent relationships, women were the perpetrators in more than 70% of the cases.
In addition, a separate source states:
Empirical studies to date suggest that for the most part, men identify and report similar acts of violence used against them as do women, and that much of the language used to describe acts of physical, psychological, sexual violence and coercive control resonates across genders and is consistent with the [World Health Organization] definition of IPV.
Therefore, while the aforementioned syllogism is logically sound it’s also unreasonable, because it ignores confounding variables such as IPV. As such, it arrives at an irrational conclusion based on the premises of female issues stemming from so-called daddy issues.
Unsurprisingly, many of my former educational peers have gone on to become psychotherapists who presumably promulgate irrational feminist assumptions in their practice. Contemplating this matter further, I’m reminded of the song “Antebellum” by Ransom and MadeinTYO, featuring lyricist Che Noir.
On the track, Che Noir states:
This shot be deeper than people like to admit sometimes
Just tryin’ to unlearn certain things
Yeah, uh, I was taught that a man protects and provides
Dealin’ with men who lack drive but still expect me to ride
A black woman in this world left with pain and abuse
They come home and still gotta cater to you?
I’m a woman that use words
I don’t got to punch or slap to diss you
Only repeatin’ what I learned is my reactions to you
You not the only one fightin’ wars that attack ya mental
Try the therapists, but they only blame it on daddy issues
Speakin’ of that, look at this load I was handed
Said I need to learn to submit, but nigga, show me companion
Single mother household is a famine
Independent and stubborn, ‘cause we was fillin’ all the roles y’all abandoned
We both fightin’ for peace to be understood
And healin’ from time spent with people that wasn’t good
A woman’s job is to nurture our sons who stood
The dangers of the ghetto can’t compare to a mother’s hug
Yeah
Che Noir expresses her intention to unlearn lessons taught in life. In specific she was taught that men were to protect and provide for women, though her expressed experience in later years didn’t reflect the lessons she learned.
When seeking behavioral health care services, the lyricist states that therapists blamed her problems on “daddy issues.” I suspect such deflection of personal agency and ownership is something a number of my behavioral health colleagues unhelpfully pass on to clients.
As Che Noir continues her verse from that point of deflection, she borders on the edge of a victimhood narrative by describing the “load” of problems she was “handed.” She then laments single motherhood, independence of male influence, and nurturing boys in the absence of fatherhood as contributing factors.
Understandably, one may irrationally conclude that so-called daddy issues solely stem from these influences. However, I argue that confounding variables may also account for the challenges expressed by Che Noir in “Antebellum.”
While it may be convenient to simply blame men for the problems females experience, I recognize that irrational feminist arguments are lacking in meaningful consideration of contributing factors regarding complex systems.
Ultimately, simplistic arguments of this sort are disempowering as well as lacking in logic and reason. Examining this matter herein, I’ve used the technique of disputation associated with the ABC model in Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT).
This helpful technique allows one the ability to question ideological narratives in order to empower a person by reducing self-disturbance stemming from irrational beliefs such as “daddy issues” being the cause of an individual’s suffering.
Even if it’s true that your dad went out for a pack of cigarettes many years ago and never returned home, effectively abandoning you, so-called daddy issues aren’t an excuse for your current emotions and behavior. Rather, what you believe about the event causes you distress.
If you’ve caused yourself unnecessary agony with unproductive beliefs about “daddy issues,” REBT may be worth trying so that you can free yourself from anguish of your own making. If you’d like to know more about this helpful psychotherapeutic modality, I’m here to assist.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost old school hip hop REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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