Throughout the literature in support of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), happiness is referenced as a goal for this psychotherapeutic modality. For instance, the late psychologist who developed REBT, Albert Ellis, stated in his book How to Make Yourself Happy and Remarkably Less Disturbable:
Why is this book rare among the tens of thousands of self-help books, pamphlets, and articles that have been published for many years? After all, most self-help books help you feel better, and that is what you want. This book goes beyond that. It helps you get better – to function more effectively and happily. And it helps you stay better – to refuse to upset yourself in the future.
I think happiness is a nice endeavor. Nevertheless, I maintain that it’s impractical for people to aspire to happiness. This is because I’ve encountered many people who unhelpfully demand that they should, must, or ought to be happy.
What inevitably happens when these individuals aren’t able to achieve happiness – or at least retain a particular level of joy? They disturb themselves into an unpleasant emotion such as sorrow or anger, because happiness serves more as a demand than a mere desire.
Addressing this matter in a blogpost entitled Happiness Is a Trap, I clarified:
By “happiness,” I’m referring to the positive or pleasant state of intense joy or a pleasurable experience. This is different than contentment which is simply the experience of satisfaction with one’s possessions, status, or situation.
Thus, and contradictory to Ellis’ aim, I promote contentment through use of REBT. As a baseline objective, this is a reasonable and attainable aim. Nevertheless, if people are able to achieve lasting happiness from REBT, I remain content in knowing they got better overall.
When thinking of an okay objective rather than joyful or pleasurable aspirations, I’m reminded of two hip hop songs from different artists. The first is by rapper Z-Ro and is entitled “I’m OK.” Lyrics include:
I know they dragged my name through the mud
But if you my people, why you keep bringin’ it up?
I’m okay
I’m okay
I know they hatin’, I know they want me to die
My mind on my money, do it look like I’ma cry?
I’m okay
I’m okay
Z-Ro references that although he experiences problems, he remains content in life. He could’ve chosen to express that he was great, wonderful, or elated. However, Z-Ro states that he’s achieved contentment in spite of the issues he’s faced.
The second song that comes to mind is by rapper King Iso, featuring King Kash, and is entitled “I’m Okay.” Whereas Z-Ro expressed contentment, King Iso’s track regards use of deceit to make people think he’s okay when he actually isn’t. Lyrics include:
[Chorus]
I’m okay
I’m okaayy (repeat 4x)
The biggest lie I’ve ever told (I’m okay) (repeat 4x)
[Verse 1: King Iso]
Yeah, tried to tell them that I’m good like Meagan G
But I ain’t keep it a thousand while I’m making G’s
There’s a term that body language only way to speak
I wear my heart on my sleeve like my favorite links
Cops still probably want me in, so I evade police
Since a baby, only embrace with baby teeth
Fans asking, “What’s wrong?” out on daily feeds
Just want to smile but my eyes say, “Pray for me.”
Get offline, feeling dead, see my baby sleep
Breaking down while I’m breaking down this eighth of weed
King Iso addresses a socially acceptable response to the ritualistically-asked question, “How are you?” Generally, whether a person is doing well or not, people respond with, “I’m fine,” or, “I’m okay.” Rather than actually being content, King Iso suffers while assuring people he’s content.
Although I disagree with Ellis regarding the goal of REBT as a means of functioning more effectively and happily, I agree with the late psychologist about getting better (primarily) and staying better (secondarily). In King Iso’s case, I’d invite the rapper to consider actual contentment.
Addressing the distinction between joy and happiness, and contentment, one REBT source posits:
Once you are steadily working at changing what can be changed you may feel joy, happiness, and contentment under some conditions. You will feel joy and happiness when you finally change what can be changed. You may also feel joy and happiness as you adopt a long term positive mission in life and steadily work at it. Contentment may come as you accept what cannot be changed and choose to be happy despite not having all that you want.
Similar to my approach regarding REBT, the source offers that contentment is a baseline standard. If from that point a person achieves happiness as a by-product of rational living, wonderful!
In any case, my psychotherapeutic objective is to help people transition from a King Iso level of suffering to a Z-Ro okay standard of living. This is accomplished through tolerance and acceptance regarding matters with which one is displeased.
This pragmatic approach to behavioral health care may not sound appealing to an individual who rigidly demands happiness. Therefore, a person who rejects a good enough standard of living may want to look elsewhere for treatment and management of problems.
However, if you’re looking for a psychotherapist who can help you to stop disturbing yourself so that you can be okay, I may be the person for whom you’re searching. If so, I look forward to hearing from you. Let’s see if together we can explore contentment. Okay?
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost old school hip hop REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
AEI. (n.d.). About Albert Ellis, Ph.D. Albert Ellis Institute. Retrieved from https://albertellis.org/about-albert-ellis-phd/
Apple Music. (n.d.). King Kash. Apple Inc. Retrieved from https://music.apple.com/us/artist/king-kash/575207475
Cookie_studio. (n.d.). Young confident woman smiling, showing okay gesture, saying yes or alright and standing on white wall [Image]. Freepik. Retrieved from https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/young-confident-woman-smiling-showing-okay-gesture-saying-yes-alright-standing-white-wall_21000090.htm#fromView=search&page=1&position=26&uuid=b6cc92c6-4cf3-4353-af6c-fb5a25e5fb82
Ellis, A. (2003). How to make yourself happy and remarkably less disturbable. Impact Publishers. Retrieved from https://archive.org/details/howtomakeyoursel00elli
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