In a blogpost entitled People Who Live in Glass Houses, I identified an assortment of should-type beliefs associated with demandingness and in regard to Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). Herein, I’ll address one form of these self-disturbing demands.
Before expanding upon what a conditional should statement is and how it functions, it may be useful to first describe basic elements of REBT which serve as a type of self-help method for rational living. Essentially, there are two main techniques used in this version of cognitive behavior therapy.
REBT theory first uses the ABC model to illustrate how when Activating events (“Actions”) occur and people maintain irrational Beliefs about the events, these unhelpful assumptions – and not the actual occurrences – are what create unpleasant cognitive, emotive, bodily sensation, and behavioral Consequences.
In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people use: demandingness, awfulizing, low frustration tolerance, and global evaluations. Addressing these, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unhelpful attitudes in order to explore Effective new beliefs.
From a psychological standpoint, people disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.
As an example, if you ignore a tornado warning alert and drive into the direction of the storm (Action), your vehicle may sustain damage from aerial projectiles (Consequence). From an A-C perspective, debris traveling along high velocity winds can damage a car.
Still, if during the undesirable tornadic event you conditionally Believe, “Under no circumstances should this happen to me,” then you’ll likely disturb yourself into an angry or fearful disposition (Consequence). This B-C connection won’t serve you well as the weather doesn’t meet your demand.
Thus, I help people to stop upsetting themselves through use of B-C connections, though I can’t fully resolve their A-C connections. To accomplish my objective as a psychotherapist, I invite individuals to take personal responsibility and accountability for their reactions to events.
Secondly, REBT uses the technique of unconditional acceptance to relieve suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance, unconditional other-acceptance, and unconditional life-acceptance.
Additionally, foundational components incorporated into REBT relate to Stoicism—a philosophical practice valuing four virtues (wisdom, courage, temperance or moderation, and justice) as a means of achieving eudemonia—a life well-lived, as well as humanism—the process of healing oneself.
As well, REBT is influenced by existentialist principles—essentially positing that each of us will inevitably die and that we can search for purpose and meaning as a method of living a well-lived existence. Importantly, all of these techniques require frequent (and I mean daily) practice.
To better understand conditional should beliefs, in a blog entry entitled Shoulding at the Supermarket I provided commentary on what one prominent REBT practitioner offered when addressing this sort of assumption, while using an example of shopping at a supermarket:
Perhaps when searching for your preferred type of produce, you’ve used a conditional should statement. “If store employees want my loyalty as a customer, they should keep asparagus in stock,” you tell yourself. Concerning this type of conditional should statement, one source states:
[T]he person specifies the conditions that have to be met for an outcome to be achieved (e.g. ‘If I study hard, I should pass my exams’). There is, of course, an element of prediction about this ‘should’, but its defining characteristic is in the specification of the conditions that have to be met for something else to occur.
Thus, conditional should beliefs are often inflexible, irrational, and self-defeating assumptions which are worth challenging, because they cause self-disturbance when one’s conditions aren’t met. This is particularly relevant when considering the tool of unconditional acceptance.
A separate source states of conditional should beliefs:
This ‘should’ denotes that in order for one condition to exist another primary condition must be met. Examples include ‘I should eat healthily in order to become slimmer’ and ‘I must pass the interview in order to be accepted onto the course.’
Ultimately, some conditional shoulds are rational (e.g., I should drink water in order to live) while others are irrational (e.g., I should first be well-liked in order to accept myself). Hopefully, the information contained herein helps you determine if you want to continue using this sort of belief.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
Dryden, W. (2023, October). Fundamentals of rational emotive behaviour therapy: A training handbook, 3rd edition. Wiley. Retrieved from https://dokumen.pub/fundamentals-of-rational-emotive-behaviour-therapy-a-training-handbook-3nbsped-1394198515-9781394198511.html
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