When subject to pretrial detention in the Naval Consolidated Brig, Miramar in San Diego, California from June 13, 2002 to June 18, 2002, and then again from September 30, 2002 to October 23, 2002, I had a lot of time to think. That’s when I drew the above picture.
Admittedly, I disturbed myself quite a bit with core irrational beliefs about my circumstance. In particular, and perhaps most self-distressing, I suffered from what I told myself about how a prediction made by my mother in childhood became true. Perhaps some context is needed.
During a number of traumatic episodes when I was young, my mom would batter me while yelling and screaming. I draw a distinction between the latter two, because when she yelled I could understand a communicated message though not so when my mom screamed.
As an example, my mom once beat me to the floor of my room, when I was six or seven-years-old, while screaming. The scenario unfolded something like, “[closed fist strikes to the abdomen] Arrrggghhhh!!! Mwwrraarrr!! [kicks to the body as I assumed a fetal position on the floor]”
Generally, once I succumbed to her physically assaultive behavior by lying motionless in a fetal position, my mother would eventually tire and storm out of the room. However, not always was that the case. Sometimes, my mom had extra stamina and beat me until she simply lost interest.
For instance, another episode that occurred at around the same age resulted in my mom whipping me with a belt while yelling, “[physical strikes] You’re gonna grow up to be just like your uncle [____]! You’re gonna go to prison just like him! I hate you! [additional physical strikes]”
The screaming, I could endure without much afterthought. Unintelligible noises weren’t something about which I self-disturbed all that much. However, I tormented myself with beliefs about ending up in an incarcerated status. Maybe further context is warranted at this point.
Nine-years-old was the age at which I genuinely contemplated suicide. Throughout my elementary school years, my mother repeatedly told me that she lamented not having aborted me, claimed that she wished that I was dead, and said that I’d ultimately end up in prison.
The fallible human being she so evidently was, my mom sat me down in childhood and explained that cutting underneath my arms the long way with a razorblade or kitchen would be most effective if done while lying in a bathtub of warm water – to accelerate blood flow.
I so frequently heard about how much I was hated that I began to wonder why she didn’t do me the favor of bringing death upon me. Yet, I figured that if it was her who gave me life, so I wasn’t going to kill myself. My mom would need to be the one to do it out of spite for life itself.
Nevertheless, I dreaded the possibility of ending up like my uncle. Death was preferable to a life spent in incarceration. Therefore, when I was repeatedly told my mom’s prediction about my future in prison, I agonized when using unfavorable beliefs about such potential.
Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and one Believes some unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s one’s unfavorable assumption and not the occurrence itself that causes an unpleasant Consequence.
For example, my mom battered me while yelling about prison (Action) and I unhelpfully Believed, “I must never go to prison, because I couldn’t stand being locked up or proving my mom right. It’d be awful if her prediction came true, because it’d mean that I’m worthless.”
With those unhelpful Beliefs, I experienced Consequences related to cognitions (e.g., “suicide is an option”), emotions (e.g., sorrow), sensations (e.g., heaviness throughout my body), and behaviors (e.g., crying and staying in a fetal position on the floor after my mom left the room).
Although it may be uncomfortable for you, I’ve invited you into my world so that you can understand how a nine-year-old boy justified that suicide was a viable option. While you’re in my world, I encourage you to take a psychoeducational lesson on self-disturbance with you.
Thankfully, my mom sent me to live with my dad from half of fifth to half of my seventh grade year. Not long after my return to her care, I let my mom into my world by threatening to remove her head from her shoulders if she continued her abusive behavior.
Within a relatively short period of time thereafter, and surprisingly not concerning the threat of decapitation, I was placed into a children’s home. I’d never again reside in the care of my mom. Some stories have happy endings. Yet, my story isn’t quite finished. Come into my world.
A family with whom I attended church services took me into their home from ninth grade to halfway through my senior year. During that time, I sought out gangbanging friends and it isn’t implausible that I wanted death to come into my world before ever ending up incarcerated.
I know; there’s an obvious paradox at hand. In my illogical and unreasonable adolescent mind, I dreaded incarceration status while living a lifestyle that served as a fast track to juvenile detention facilities, jail, or prison. Thus, I maintained the irrationality of a fuckwit.
I eventually turned my life around by joining the United States (U.S.) Marine Corps. My primary job was military police. Imagine that, considering my high school companions. Still, after returning from a lengthy period of service outside of the U.S., traumatic experience impacted me.
As mentioned in the first paragraph of this post, I endured significant administrative and punitive problems in 2002. That’s when I was placed in the Miramar brig for pretrial detention status. Similar to childhood, I self-disturbed.
I violated orders of my commanding officer and I was placed in the brig (Action). Then, I unfavorably Believed, “I’m a piece of shit and it’s awful that mom was right! I can’t stand that forever more I’ll have been incarcerated at least once. In fact, I shouldn’t even be here!”
That last self-disturbing belief related to life itself. It was then that the Ganksta N-I-P (“NIP”) song “Come Into My World,” from his 1993 album Psychic Thoughts, played repeatedly in my mind. I used to frequently listen to it with homies from the blocc when in high school.
As a side note, the track features a smooth Bootsy Collins sample from “May the Force be With You.” Unlike the Collins song, the NIP track has a more sinister tone. Lyrics state, “Come into my world, won’t you come into my world?” and, “Come into my world, death!”
Just like when I was in elementary school, suicide once again was considered a viable option. Back then, I knew nothing of REBT. To hazard a guess, the main reason I didn’t end my own life had a lot to do with my late stepmom who unwaveringly supported me at the time.
She even somehow managed to pull some strings in the government so that I could speak with her via telephone when in the brig and when incoming calls from family members weren’t allowed. She was an invaluable source of strength for the majority of my life and I loved her.
Now, you’ve come into my world for a brief moment. You’ve seen how it was that I self-disturbed in both child- and adulthood. While I’d like to say that I stopped upsetting myself once out of an incarcerated state and after I left the Marines, that wouldn’t be an honest statement.
Rather, it wasn’t until I understood, believed in, and routinely practiced the ABC model and unconditional acceptance that I stopped welcoming death into my world. Currently, it’s as stated by Method Man from the song “Say,” “And when death call[s], I’m good. I got caller ID.”
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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