A couple decades ago, before I knew anything about Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I experienced significant impairment with occupational and social functioning. Staying gainfully employed, and making and maintaining friendships was difficult for me.
I could excuse my behavior by citing neurological and psychological disorders, with which I’ve received diagnoses, though I prefer to take personal responsibility and accountability for my behavioral health. After all, I’m not a victim to my disorders.
What I didn’t know many years ago was that I had an impaired ability to interact with others in a normal manner—conforming to a regular or accepted pattern of behavior. Although I understood I didn’t act like other people, I wasn’t insightful about my abnormal experience.
Perhaps personal anecdotes are needed in order to better demonstrate my former lack of self-awareness. Having served in the Marine Corps from 1996 to 2007, I was discharged unfavorably. The job following that period of service ended in termination.
In fact, the two jobs following that firing also resulted in termination. All the while, I unproductively believed that each of my employers was in the wrong and that I was in the right (whatever it means to be “right”). Ultimately, my false dichotomous view lacked insight.
Aside from occupational matters, my social functioning was impaired. For instance, I knew friend X since the late ‘90s and we’d been in one another’s lives through various difficult situations. If asked about the significance of our friendship back then, I would’ve rated it relatively high.
However, I wound up yelling at her during an argument that I can’t even recall at this moment. Apparently, I was so angry that I completely forgot the content of the disagreement. Unfortunately, she remembers. Moreover, I believe her accounting of the matter.
The things I reportedly stated to her sound accurate to my typical style of expression when upset. Although I subsequently tried to mend the relationship, friend X simply wasn’t willing to seek resolution and I don’t blame her for such a response. There were consequences to my actions.
Similarly, I met friend Y when I was on appellate leave from the Marine Corps and when working in the field of nuclear security. He and I got along well. While I don’t tend to befriend as many males as females, friend Y was more like a brother to me than a friend.
Nevertheless, I wound up yelling at him during an argument that I actually can remember. Though we managed to resolve the issue between us, things were never the same thereafter and we eventually lost touch with one another. Friend Y is dearly missed.
Following the experience of terminated employment and loss of friendships, I began graduate school for counseling. That’s when I learned about REBT. In specific, I realized that with each of the referenced occupational and social scenarios, I’d self-disturbed to a significant degree.
REBT theory uses the ABC model to illustrate how when Activating events (“Actions”) occur and people maintain irrational Beliefs about the events, these unhelpful assumptions – and not the actual occurrences – are what create unpleasant cognitive, emotive, bodily sensation, and behavioral Consequences.
In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people use: demandingness, awfulizing, low frustration tolerance, and global evaluations. Addressing these, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unhelpful assumptions in order to explore Effective new beliefs.
From a psychological standpoint, people disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.
As an example, when my head was repeatedly struck during Marine training exercises (Action), I developed traumatic brain injury [TBI] (Consequence). From an A-C perspective, repeated blows to the head can cause neurological impairment. This can impact impulsivity and reactivity.
However, from a B-C perspective, when I unhelpfully Believed, “I shouldn’t have been injured when in the Marine Corps and because it nonetheless happened, life is unfair,” then I disturbed myself into an angry disposition (Consequence). Essentially, I upset myself with beliefs about A-C injury.
Aside from challenge to unhelpful self-narratives, REBT uses the technique of unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance, unconditional other-acceptance, and unconditional life-acceptance.
Generally, I use psychoeducation with clients in regard to REBT and help manage expectations pertaining to treatment outcomes. For instance, it isn’t likely that when receiving news about TBI a person will become overjoyed as a result of beliefs about this impairing medical condition.
Therefore, I invite clients to consider annoyance, frustration, disappointment, or other healthy negative emotive experiences versus unhealthy emotional states such as rage, hostility, aggression, and so on and so forth. Thus, this is a pragmatic approach to rational living.
Thankfully, my former lack of insight regarding occupational and social impairment is essentially a nonissue at present. Although I don’t profess to have completely eradicated all unpleasant B-C connective experiences, I’ve come a long way from where I once was.
In any case, from time to time, I push myself to target improved outcomes. Rather than experiencing rage and yelling at people like I used to, I frequently move toward disappointment concerning undesirable events and my beliefs about these occurrences.
Nevertheless, I maintain that as an REBT practitioner I can challenge disappointment that may otherwise exist as an improved outcome for the clients with whom I work. Is it possible to move from disappointment to rational indifference—logical and reasonable lack of partiality?
Recently, I tested this hypothesis in relation to friend Z. Despite our age difference, it’s as though she and I grew up down the street from one another throughout my life, because we share many commonalities – especially in regard to specific personality traits.
While I yelled at her only once before ever learning about REBT, we haven’t had significant conflict in well over a decade. Of course, this doesn’t mean that our friendship is perfect. There is no perfection with fallible human beings. So we have a good enough relationship.
Whatever the case may be, for about the last year or so, friend Z has taken longer to reply to text messages and what once was a reliable bond has somewhat waned into the territory of an acquaintanceship. Rather than self-disturbing with unhelpful beliefs, I’ve used UA.
I unconditionally accept myself as a fallible person who sometimes desires more than others are willing or able to offer. Additionally, I unconditionally accept friend Z as a flawed individual who has her own issues and cannot always tend to our relationship in a manner that I desire.
Also, I unconditionally accept life as an imperfect experience in which people sometimes drift apart, come together, wander off, and merge once more. In fact, it isn’t uncommon for people to merely lose interest in a relationship and fall out of contact altogether.
Healthily, I’ve used UA to keep in mind that this, too, shall pass – this moment, friendships, and life itself. With this helpful REBT-influenced reminder, I’ve been disappointed by my beliefs about the situation involving friend Z. However, I’m not upset concerning the matter.
Still, I wanted to test my hypothesis regarding rational indifference. Could I challenge disappointment in a meaningful manner? Turns out, I could. First, attempts were made to regenerate the level of friendship friend Z and I once shared. That effort was ineffective.
Next, instead of initiating contact as I tend to do, I instead redirected my attention elsewhere. This wasn’t done out of spite, though to determine whether or not I could challenge disappointment and become comfortable with discomfort associated with reduced contact.
After all, it wasn’t a reduction in contact that caused discomfort. From a B-C perspective, it was my assumption about the situation that resulted in an outcome. Therefore, disappointment presented itself with the discomfort from the belief that friend Z was passing from one phase to another in my life.
Or, as she defined it, “friendships go through seasons.” After a period of time, friend Z and I communicated at the cadence of acquaintances and I was rationally indifferent regarding the experience. This is where a cautious consideration may be necessary for you, dear reader.
While I try to refrain from giving advice to people, I’ll allow you to determine whether or not what I have to say next may be applicable to your own life. Challenging disappointment that stems from a B-C connection may present an Action that correlates with another person’s B-C experience.
Friend Z and I recently spoke and her interpretation of my behavior was that of passive-aggressiveness. Whereas I was once overtly aggressive toward occupational and social entities, my actions after REBT practice were perceived in a manner that I’d not intended.
Challenging disappointment was a manner of hypothesis-testing. The goal was rational indifference. I achieved success. However, my success generated a new event that was interpreted by friend Z using a non-REBT frame. That outcome then presented a new Action for me.
It’s not uncommon for layering Actions, Beliefs, and Consequences to form a perplexing chain of events. Consequences of actions can lead to more consequences with which people maintain beliefs that cause additional consequences.
Doing the work of REBT led to such consequences for friend Z and me. This can happen in your life, as well. When working with clients, I caution people to understand that when one person practices REBT and others within one’s life do not, unpleasant consequences may result.
Challenging disappointment was indeed possible in my case. Nevertheless, my friendship with friend Z would’ve likely been better off had I left well enough alone. Alas, this matter wasn’t a failure.
I tested a hypothesis, analyzed the data, and I’ve reported the conclusion herein. Now, you may consider whether or not rational indifference is worth seeking in your life. As well, you may contemplate settling for disappointment. Also, you could disregard my result altogether.
I deem the product of the scientific method described herein a success. Science neither proves nor disproves ideas. Rather, it accepts or rejects data based on supporting or refuting evidence and revises conclusions based on additional evidence.
In this manner, my challenge of disappointment was a success, because I imperfectly assessed data, adjusted my behavior accordingly, and rejected the idea of rational indifference concerning friend Z. I can now revise my conclusion to further alter my behavior.
After all, I’ve come a long way in behavioral progress over the past couple decades. How much further can I go with continued development in relation to rational living? I don’t know, though I’m willing to explore this hypothesis and continue reporting my findings.
If you’re looking for a provider who works to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply helping you to feel better, I want to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
Photo credit (edited), fair use
References:
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